Since they both were young, and inexperienced with relationships and romance, the fallouts they did go through tended to be brief, but poorly handled, problems more likely to be swept under the rug in an attempt to forget them rather than addressed and solved. Okay, so maybe Ryan technically had a [i]lot[/i] of experience; but it wasn’t all exactly helpful. A handful of girlfriends (some barely qualifying) in the space of a few short years, one after the other, meant he never made a meaningful connection with any of them- and they were less romantic, more motivated entirely by more careless motives, as a mutual means to an end, something to do for the sake of it. Brendon was not his first intimate relationship with a man (Ryan was a questioning musician, Brendon would’ve been seriously surprised otherwise), but he was his first [i]boyfriend.[/i] To Brendon, though, that didn’t matter- the idea had recently started to grow in his head that he was just another in a string of Ryan’s lovers, even if deep down he knew what they had [i]was[/i] special, Ryan hadn’t lied to him at the cabin and kept it up all this time.

If Brendon thought that through for a little longer, maybe even used his heart instead of his misguided rationale, he would come to that realisation; that it was unfair to judge Ryan just because his dating history was questionable, it was wrong to think that he had no special place in Ryan’s heart. But Brendon was scared- and in worrying he was doing the wrong thing, he set himself up to do something that would just make him miserable. See, Brendon’s dating history was more or less the opposite to Ryan’s, in that he didn’t really have one; he’d been on dates, had brief flings, but nothing long enough to call a relationship, and that was something when you looked at what qualified as a relationship for Ryan. Brendon was worried that he wasn’t in love, that he didn’t know what love even felt like, it was unbelievably unlikely- impossible, even- that the first man he’d ever properly had feelings for was ‘the one’, the person he was meant to spend the rest of his life with. Yeah, their time at the cabin had been incredible, a heady cocktail of gentleness, intensity, passion, connection; but was it love? Self-doubt was eating him alive, and with that came a fear to commit, because what if he was right, and in a few months he’d realise this wasn’t as real as he thought it was?

Brendon’s head was swimming with doubt and anxiety and dread, and it surged through him afresh when he saw Ryan standing in his living room, causing his body to freeze as he stopped on his way to meet his boyfriend at the door. Turned out he didn’t need to let him in- he’d forgotten to lock the door, but he played it off pretty well as intentional. The only thing that stopped him breaking down right there from all the chaos in his head was the familiar contact of Ryan’s hands against his waist. Brendon ignored everything he’d told himself he was going to do (for example, get it over with and break up with him as soon as possible) and held onto him with an underlying desperation, managing to control his emotion when he leaned it for a light kiss. Fuck, why did he do that? Kissing his boyfriend right before forcibly making him his ex was probably not the best way to go about this, and he knew that, but it was so [i]hard,[/i] he looked into his eyes and suddenly he was back at the lake, confessing and kissing in the rain. It was picturesque, but seemed to Brendon more like a passing fantasy than his reality. 

There was still space between them, and though his common sense told him to widen the gap, his heart and his body forced him forwards into the comforting embrace of Ryan’s arms, resting his face into his shoulder, close enough to his skin to hear his pulse and feeling the warmth of his body through his shirt. He closed his eyes and swallowed when Ryan pressed a kiss to the side of his head, and he let himself relax just a little when Ryan cradled his head and swayed them both slightly. Maybe they could stay like this forever- no space between them, linked together, their height difference working perfectly so that they just fit like puzzle pieces- then Brendon wouldn’t have to think about the future, he could dwell entirely in the present, with Ryan. That’s what he wanted. He didn’t want any talk of future and forever- Brendon was too impulsive for a predetermined life, too unpredictable to be confined by the idea of ‘forever’ with a single person, no matter how much that single person made his heart skip in his chest. [i]Well.[/i] Brendon felt his breath against his neck, turned his face further into his skin, crossing his wrists where his arms wrapped loosely around Ryan’s neck. 

[i]I just slept all day, so not much.[/i] Brendon wondered what Ryan was thinking. Was he happy? Was Brendon about to ruin his day, his week, his month, his year? Maybe he didn’t have to. Maybe Ryan could convince him he didn’t have to take such drastic measures. [i]And then I raced other cars to get to you.[/i] Brendon pulled back finally, opened his eyes, smiled up at him. [b]”Wow, you got out of bed to come see me? Don’t suppose you’d wanna get back in?”[/b] He teased, all the while asking himself what the hell he was doing, Brendon, are you stupid, you’re making this so much worse, so much harder than it has to be. He was still close, his hands resting against Ryan’s chest as Ryan carded his fingers through his hair. There was a silence- a comfortable one for Ryan, maybe, a suffocating one for Brendon. But he felt a little different. This was nice. This was wonderful. Was it worth giving up? Brendon gazed up at him, attentive.

[i]You know.[/i] Brendon was barely listening- he had stepped closer, pressed his lips comfortably against Ryan’s jaw, trying to distract himself from conscious thought and allowing himself a more physical, emotional experience before he made up his mind. [i]We wouldn't even have to meet up if we lived in the same place. And you definitely have a better apartment, so my vote's on that.[/i]  Ryan’s voice may have been light, breezy almost, but Brendon felt his blood run cold, his stomach drop. This is what he’d been afraid of- Ryan becoming too absorbed in the long term, wanting bigger steps when Brendon was afraid of even little ones. And that passing comment referred to a huge commitment, and the gravity of that was enough to send him over the edge of ‘maybe not’ into the world of ‘yes, I have to’. He said something else, then, something about blankets, but Brendon had tuned completely out. He felt like he was underwater, slow movements, muffled hearing, confused senses. Brendon breathed in, breathed out shakily, and stepped back out of his arms forcefully, dropping his hands rigidly to his sides.

[b]”Ryan,”[/b] He began, dropping his eyes to the floor, [b]”I- I can’t.”[/b] A pause, as he swallowed, willing his voice not to waver and crack. [b]”Can’t do- this. Us. It’s too much. Too soon. Too fast,”[/b] Brendon wondered if he was actually talking because the voice he heard coming out of his mouth wasn’t his own, it sounded distant, but distressed, shaking. [b]”I’m sorry. This is why I called you here.”[/b] An attempt at sounding decisive failed, and Brendon just felt ridiculous. He was hit with a sudden desire to be held, comforted, but it wasn’t like- fuck. Brendon couldn’t even meet his eyes.