This wasn't just unexpected - it was like nothing he'd experienced before. Obviously Ryan had been through plenty of breakups, and he'd spent his time on either side of the deal. When he was breaking up with someone it was because he'd picked up on the toxicity befote it got out of control, or he just knew they weren't compatible already, or he'd realized that what was probably an impulsive hookup wasn't supposed to be a long-term relationship. When he was broken up with, usually he had something about himself to improve upon and generally he did, otherwise he was blind to some issues that the girl wasn't, fortunately enough. Or there were the occasions where things ended because they just weren't meant to be together longer than, maybe, a month or so, and both of them knew it. Brendon, though - he was the real deal. Ryan knew from the start that, if they weren't going to end up together forever, they were at least going to last for a long time. It was just... simple, so easy to see, for him. Apparently assuming that the feeling was mutual was the wrong thing to do.

And then there was the fact that none of those splits looked like this. Even in his last longest relationship the hurt wasn't so terrible; it was a painful conversation, first of all, because Ryan already had trouble talking about [i]anything[/i] too much with the wrong people so of course an hours-long talk about how 'this isn't working' and 'we need to go our separate ways' sucked big time. Then all of their mutual friends had to migrate to whoever they chose, because for whatever reason they couldn't stay friends themselves... and then the month-long recovery period, realizing that all the things he'd become used to doing with someone else he now unquestionably had to do alone, and the person he'd picked up the phone for automatically when he had anything on his mind was no longer readily available like that, and, obviously, the hurt. Even if he wasn't really fully invested emotionally in any of his past relationships compared to how he was with Brendon, they still took a toll, still made his heart ache every time. And, already, maybe a minute into him and Brendon only potentially being over, this was worse than any of that.
 
Brendon looked like he was going to cry himself. Ryan really, really wasn't ready to see that. As quickly as possible, Ryan started trying to turn back the clock, undo his proposition since it seemed to push Brendon over the edge - but that was a little unfair. Brendon wasn't the type to cut ties just because of one question. He must've been thinking about it for some time, but Ryan didn't even want to consider that, so he kept trying to backtrack anyway. [i]I know, Ry, I just-[/i] Quicker. With urgency, Ryan cut in, something like a panic alarm going off in his head. [i]I [/i]have [i]thought.[/i] Ryan pursed his lips in a furthered effort to control his expression, because hearing Brendon's voice tremble like that hurt about as much as hearing him say all of this. It was becoming even harder to ignore the shine in his eyes so telltale of incoming tears, and Ryan's hand cupping his jaw soothed over his skin before coming to rest again, trying to calm him down.

He looked down but Ryan kept his gaze fixedly on Brendon, just as uncomfortable yet oddly unable to look away like he might usually. He was transfixed - this seemed so unreal. Ryan let his hand drop the more Brendon shifted, where it became more difficult to stay connected to him, but not totally; instead he switched to holding loosely onto Brendon's waist again, ignoring the way he crossed his arms to fend off any sort of contact like that, because it seemed like if too much distance got between them then this would suddenly become real. Ryan wasn't ready for that. [i]I- Ryan, you know- You’re my first boyfriend. I’m the first guy you’ve ever dated.[/i] Okay, true, and Ryan was nodding slowly but incessantly, mind running fast and chaotic. He felt a little worse for Brendon in this situation. No experience before, and then something like what they had... he didn't blame him for having doubts, really. He just didn't want to accept that these were reasonable fears to have, that Brendon's reaction wasn't actually that unbelievable. 

[i]I fucking- What if you’ve just settled for the first one you liked?[/i] Ryan grinned for half a second, hysterical, like that was ridiculous, like it was a joke, then dropped it, expression hurt/confused again. Good question, but Ryan wasn't even considering it. There's no way Brendon was 'settling' - you [i]settled[/i] for someone typical, someone predictable and mediocre and boring. Brendon was anything but. [i]Neither of us have ever been in love- what if- what if you don’t love me? How would you even know?[/i] Ryan shook his head quickly this time, one hand moving up to clutch one of Brendon's crossed arms just below his shoulder, closing more space desperately. [b]"Brendon, Brendon- I [i]know,[/i] trust me,"[/b] he fretted, gaze moving fast over his face. He still didn't seem all that [i]sure[/i], Ryan just didn't know how to break the wall there. [b]"I love you. I'm [i]in[/i] love with you, actually. I have been for a year and a half. Consistently. With no doubts."[/b] For once his voice was more controlled than Brendon's tremorous one, trying to convey how sure he was, wipe away any of Brendon's concerns.

But. Brendon didn't just mean he was worried about how dedicated Ryan was. That, he wasn't so sure how to fix. Ryan paused, his hold on Brendon loosening, face dropping more - if it was possible. [b]"I used to get scared, too. But it never lasted. So... I'm sure. I mean- how long have you..."[/b] Ryan stopped again, stunted, and already his mind was coming up with crazy ideas, but he voiced it anyway. [b]"Did you... ever think of us in the long-term?"[/b] He definitely wasn't trying to sound so. Affected, whatever. But at this point he couldn't help but wonder what Brendon was expecting, when he was going to tell Ryan that he'd been thinking all of this behind the scenes, freaking out without communicating it.