Ryan tried to imagine how it was for Brendon, sometimes, the struggle he was going through. He had to play an act virtually ninety percent of his day - prayer dominated a lot of their daily activities that Ryan would never even think to stop and give grace for, or whatever, for example. One day out of the week was entirely dedicated to the faith, actually, and sometimes it was more than that. And Ryan would never be able to give the mini-speeches of thanks to some unknown power that he heard Brendon give before meals sometimes... once he knew Brendon didn't completely believe anymore, it was hard to hear, and when he was visiting to bear witness to it he'd look up from his bowed head and folded hands to check whether he was reading off a script. No such thing. He had no reservations about it in the first place, but seeing that just made Ryan want to stick with him even more while he was forced to live this lie, unable to tell anyone else.

And it got even worse when he started, in Brendon's words, experimenting. Their kiss was brief, genuinely just experimental; and then they were so [i]awkward[/i] for a while. Ryan literally couldn't look him in the eye. He hadn't thought very hard about how he felt about boys in general before, just knew that maybe he wasn't so specific about his sexuality, that when he looked around the cafeteria at school during lunch there was a [i]very[/i] wide variety of people he'd get flustered by if he tried talking to them. When Brendon kissed him, though, suddenly it was all very real, and he knew his vague like for anyone in general was instantly narrowed down to Brendon and Brendon alone. Actually, he'd liked Brendon for some time, just hadn't confronted it. So for a few days after the kiss, he stuck to his own house, closed his window's blinds for once to shut out the light and Brendon potentially seeing in, hid from the world while he came to the conclusion that, yes, the experiment had proved fatal, he definitely liked his lifelong best friend whose whole god-fearing family would hate him if they knew, and oh fuck what about his own dad, et cetera. The usual gay freakout stuff.

He knew it could be worse. He could be Brendon. Who, by the way, he knew had already done a [i]lot[/i] more than just a little kiss; Ryan had had some tiny experiences, all meaningless and that made him feel nothing at all, so much so he didn't even count them, but Brendon had been through everything, even the drug stint he'd excitedly told Ryan about while Ryan internally panicked and wondered if the police were gonna show up in the middle of the night to drag his best friend away for selling, like, a goddamn gram. And he knew Brendon wasn't without shame at all - he never expressed it, of course, but Brendon had just as many doubts about God being [i]not[/i] not real as he did otherwise, so surely with all of the perceived sins he'd racked up he thought there was a chance for supreme punishment. Ryan didn't know how to convey to him that that wasn't going to come, that he wasn't bad, that he was the best thing in Ryan's life, so on- so he didn't, really, just let him come to terms with his fears himself. 

Ryan's anxiety passed fairly quickly. It took him no time at all to fall into romantic step with Brendon, and they were on the same page easily, sometimes mutually overcome with internalized guilt or shame but they could deal with that together anyway. Ryan was, oddly, the one more uncomfortable with showing it too much, or at least it seemed that way; they could be miles away from home, out in town, and he still wouldn't hold Brendon's hand in public. They could be in a completely empty corridor and he'd still turn all around to look for anyone listening when he called Brendon baby or vice versa. He started keeping his phone under even more lockdown than before - not that his dad even really interfered with his life at this point, but he was so paranoid that there was always a 'just in case' to argue. And, speaking of - he rarely let Brendon stay at his. They'd had this unspoken deal since [i]forever[/i] (since Brendon's mom picked up on the smell of alcohol that hung off of Ryan's and his father's clothes and saw their home for herself, that is) that Brendon's house was the main meetup point, and Ryan's was, like, emergencies only. But he got a lot stricter about visits once it seemed like Ryan's dad could have a lot more reason to wail on them for something. 

Anyway. He was nervous. But he liked Brendon so much that he put up with it all as best as he could, tried to just wait until they were both free from their homes, independent adults, then he could do what he wanted without worrying about either of them getting hurt in some way. Still, they weren't there yet, so he sidestepped Brendon at the door to maintain some semblance of secrecy and was met by pouting. He pouted right back, deliberately teasing Brendon's mastered puppy-dog look. [i]Hi.[/i] Yeah, yeah, get over it. Ryan tried for forgiveness by reaching out, lightly running a few fingertips over the back of Brendon's hand, the beginning of holding it - only to have it snatched away. [i]That’s too much homoerotic subtext for me. You’re in a [/i]Mormon[i] household.[/i] That was actually terrifying. Ryan nearly let panic get the best of him, but honestly, Brendon wasn't an idiot, he wouldn't say that if they weren't alone. Ryan relaxed somewhat. [b]"Drama queen."[/b]

He watched Brendon become animated, closing the door and running his hand through his hair, and had a mini-daydream about doing just that for him. [i]Relax, they’re all out. Lucky you.[/i] Again, what, his thoughts were occupied; then Ryan caught up to speed, nodding quickly, relieved. This happened once in a blue moon. He was still a little on edge, given the fact that, y'know, maybe someone was hidden around here or whatever, but - not enough, because when Brendon leaned up fairly desperately to kiss him on the side of his face, Ryan tightened his jaw to suppress a smile, faint rosy spots rising high on his cheeks. [b]"Quit,"[/b] he protested, entirely too weakly to mean it, while he turned determinedly to the stairs again. [i]Another hour and I would’ve died.[/i] Ryan entered his room still looking pleased about the kiss on his cheek, holding a hand against the side of his face sheepishly. Still not really listening. He muttered something like '[i]uh-huh[/i],' always on Brendon about his dramatics, and circled around the room absently, restless from lying around all day.

Brendon, on the other hand, instantly dropped into bed like his body was lead. Ryan took his hand from his face and smiled fondly at the sight before turning to close to the door, twisting the handle so it clicked silently into place, and returned to Brendon on his side, facing him. [i]Next time, you’re coming to church with me again.[/i] Ryan looked faux-thoughtful, as if this really took considering, and dropped into a crouch beside Brendon's bed, folding his arms over the side and resting his chin over his forearms where he could face Brendon directly. He let one arm reach out, thrown over Brendon's shoulder so he could run his fingers through his hair. [b]"Why? So you can make more nasty comments under your breath during a whole sermon? Honestly, I'll just go sit with another family."[/b] He was grinning, kidding, but really. This was an issue. [b]"One day you're gonna get caught making, like, a dick joke 'cause you have no volume control, and then we're both gonna get kicked out."[/b]

Evidently in a playful enough mood now to joke around, Ryan suddenly looked serious, hand resting on the side of Brendon's face to level with him. [b]"And you know what, babe, I'm so ready to take that step with you. I'll come this Sunday."[/b] He broke his facade and grinned, suddenly making way to join Brendon on the bed despite the limited space. He clambered in, all sharp edges trying unsuccessfully not to prod Brendon, and stayed sitting up to dig around for a remote. Once retrieved, he pointed the power button at Brendon, commanding. [b]"What's on our watch list?"[/b] If this was really a movie night. If not, their watch list was shit they'd definitely already seen, and the real activity was making out. Classy.