[color=BFBFBF]Please. Come in. Have a seat. I have a lot to say.

[@Rosenrot]
[hider=Flesh & Steel]Great work. Interesting if not slightly shallow relationship between Viu, Drefen and Adelaide. This is of course a short story so fleshing out a complicated relationship between three individuals and how that relationship works against a fourth character can be tricky. I will say that their dissent for Siegfried seems, given the 'excerpt' I was given, unwarranted? From what I understand, he ruled them well, as well as any Dol'Vrah Warlord would. Left to deal with something unexpected and fared well even against that. Given their brutish traditions, and the belief that he had abandoned them, I can understand Adelaide's frustrations from their initial reunion but she was closest to him [i]and[/i] he had given his side of the story. Maybe the Dol'Vrah do not forgive? It would seem to align with the kind of people they are.

In addition, upon his return, he gave their people a way to defeat the 'metal men'. Saying nothing of the type of relationship Siegfried had with Adelaide, which seemed her particular cup of tea, [i]I[/i] for one don't believe he deserved to die.

Just my opinion though given what information I was.

That all being said, as well written and interesting as the story is, I feel that this piece falls furthest from the prompt. The 'metal men' are present as they are in every piece submitted. However, in the context of this story, they somehow find a back seat. They're pressing down on the Dol'Vrah, yes. They're presented as a threat... but that's really it. They remain mysterious. The solution to them never entirely explained and taken at face value. Finally, when the issue at hand is solved, the story shifts back to the real theme... Adelaide and Siegfried.

This in and of itself wouldn't be an issue if the 'metal' to the men in this story served a purpose. But it doesn't. If I were to replace them with any other oppressing force, the story would remain unchanged. If the first line of this story opened with a depiction of a mermaid's detached lower half rolling across the table, the story would still end with Siegfried being yanked to his doom and Viu waking up next to Drefen and Adelaide... and all three getting their drank on.[/hider]
[@BrokenPromise]
[hider=Evolution MKII] Very nice. I love the gradual reveal that Amy is in fact not human despite the range of emotions she exhibits. From the start, from her waking up in the box, I had an idea but It wasn't made clear until i read further.

Interesting relationship established here between the future and that future's future. Like a parallel or a kind of circle. A lot like how history manages to repeat itself despite the way the world continues to move forward... and yet backward at the same time? To improve but to want to remain the same.

In this way, the concept of your homunculus is very intriguing and I liked it.

A couple things. Amy's attitude despite being given her age is a little strange. I thought she was a child but she is in fact a young adult. That might just be a personal gripe however brought on by my real life experience. I understand that being what she is in this story, any age is irrelevant. However, she was given false memories of a 19 year old farm hand. Not a major issue in the slightest, just something that stuck out to me.

Secondly, the pacing seems off in just a few sections. It doesn't ruin the entirety of the story at all so it's more of a nit pick if anything. For example, the ending seems almost rushed?

Besides that, there's not much else that needs critiquing. Well written. Easy to read. Nice concept.

I would like to add that I'd be the first to plug into that virtual reality machine. Sign me up to be a slug please.
[/hider]
[@Calle]
[hider=The Sun Rises and the World Has Changed]
The length of this entry is staggering and almost entirely unnecessary. Not to mention it's left incomplete... a shame considering I quite enjoyed it.

I have a fondness for a couple things here, one of which is the banding together of a group of men and women who are all very different from each other and who utilize each other's strengths to overcome something greater than they. Unfortunately, we don't [i]really[/i] get to see that... and although I did enjoy the setup, that's really all this piece is: A setup to a greater story that has been left untold. Not to mention, there seems to be a lot of setting up and no pay off, the first example coming to mind being the first major offensive against the city.

I do like the originality of the concept here however, this being the only story to not involve robots or AI. Dwarves dressed in mysterious metal, commanding engines of the future that spit steam... and food, fall well within the prompt. I also appreciate the subtle world building. The introduction of magic in the form of Linda. The mention of other settlements. The brief history that is given throughout the piece.

The second thing I have a fondness for is... Bards. I have played one at length in a DnD campaign and I quite love the utility they bring to any party. High charisma and few witty remarks can get you out (or into ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)) any situation. So although Mikhal's skills are referenced numerous times, I was disappointed when we never actually get to see him use his silver tongue despite being put in situations where he could. When talking to the Irmo, nothing entirely clever was said to get him an audience with the king. Mikhal yelled at him and asked a rhetorical question or two and Irmo finally relented, it seems, out of annoyance rather than being 'seduced' into compliance. The same can be said for his audience with the King.

[color=ffffff]"Trevor and I were in the hills when we saw them. He estimates their numbers at four-thousand at least. And they have these big moving blocks of steel and we don’t know what they are, but he’s certain it’s an invasion. They have their visors down."[/color]

Compare that to:

[color=ffffff]"There is a sea of black marching against the city. Cloaked in impenetrable steel. Boxes, strange cubes, foreign machinations cutting through the hills and trampling any in their path. Thousands strong. A wave we cannot hope to keep at bay and one we must prepare for lest we're swept away."[/color]

It's just a slightly more colorful way to say the same. This also represents another instance of setup and no payoff.

Finally, there are a few sections in the story that we could have done without or significantly abbreviated... but only for the sake of the competition. The retrieval of the initial horse. The running into an old friend and tasking him with keeping family and friends safe. Although important in the overall story, the story that begins at the end of this, for what's been submitted these serve no real purpose. 

But that's secretly why I like this story... because I want it to continue. I want to see how all the other characters' threads weave into each other. How Trevor and Mikhal tugging on these threads leads to something else. I want to see how this odd band of heroes manage overcome this incredible force. I want to see the actual ending.

Stop teasing me.[/hider]
[@PlatinumSkink]
[hider=Mischief in the Machines]I will start this by saying, you got a close second from me.

Fairies pitted against Machine is a wonderful take on an age old theme that's been taken to it's extreme: Nature vs Man. Man in this instance is already gone but what they left behind is still plaguing the earth, thankfully we've got an army of fairies to clean up our mess.

The story manages to be fun and somehow carefree despite what's going on in their world. I'd lend that to the personalities you've successfully given to your main characters. It's a tricky thing at times to work with multiple characters and preserve their individuality but you've done a wonderful job here [i]and[/i] it's this individuality that becomes the hero in this story. There's a bright contrast between the machines who follow the same mundane patterns and those playful machinations of Rochus, Inga, Signy and Bui (I like the names by the way). They each have their own voice. Each want to tackle a problem in their own way. Each shine independently.

I also like the way you've maintained and even had them acknowledge the childlike nature they have. It's clear when they become frustrated or when they're trying to explain something they don't really understand.

Nice blend of fantasy and fairy lore. Human's can't see magic so neither should their creations. Iron is harmful. Dogs are a threat and once upon a time, children were kidnapped.

The only negative here being Bui's ability to create a soul... which seems like a Deus Ex Machina. Although I have to credit you with the way they delivered that specific payload. I like consistency and an ending that makes sense. Despite Bui's sudden ability to create an [i]entire[/i] soul, you maintained the machine's ability to 'backup' or learn and defend themselves against a new threat, cementing the fact that they had one use... until they discovered the ships. What followed was perfectly believable and left me with a satisfactory ending.[/hider]
[@Silver]
[hider=Batten Valley]Second person is seldom done and seldom done correctly so the read at the start was... odd. By the end however, I realized that was the only way you could have told this story as effectively as you did.

Masterful use of descriptors, all of them placed exactly where they needed to be. Insight given into the how and the why the reader and/or the character was feeling and thinking what they were. It made every interaction organic. Whether it was with the environment or with the other two characters in the story, nothing felt contrived or out of place. All of it a wonderfully sweet song... a misleading lullaby.

Little things were actually big things.

[quote][color=ffffff]"I like Mary. [b]She has a laugh like water falling over rocks...[/b]"[/color][/quote]
This my favorite line in all of the entries.

[color=ffffff][quote]"It feels wrong to pilfer your friend’s belongings."[/quote]
[quote]"You learned long ago that Clover was a useful and skilled survivalist. You push aside the open door, a reminder that Tom is not..."[/quote][/color]
I also realized that these short ramblings are... the little haiku of being human. That's the strength of this piece.

Because funnily enough, we're not.

Come back here Clover. You're not allowed to leave me. Don't make me strangle you because I will.[/hider]
[@Vocab]
[hider=The Program]Great work here. Everything written well. Also want to give you credit to your ability to rehash the same scene without making it seem boring or repetitive. That's not easy to do and oddly enough, I found myself anticipating my return to the terminal just to see what questions it would spit out and how the subjects would react. The various nuances between each character, their individual lives and learned skills affecting the way they reacted to outside stimuli was wonderfully done. Transitions between the facility and each article were easy to follow. Scenes of increased activity didn't feel convoluted.

Sections of this piece reminded me a lot of the [url=https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stanford_prison_experiment]Stanford Prison Experiment[/url].

Admittedly, at first, I thought each article had been written by someone [i]after[/i] they'd gone through the program. I chalked it up to brainwashing or having been swapped with a non-organic doppelganger made to look and act like their real-world counterpart. The names of the authors and the first few subjects were eerily similar until Stephen Adams came along to prove my point correct... until I realized I wasn't correct.

My main critique for the story, i feel, is strictly my own. I was left more confused than I had been when I started. That could be because of my own shortcomings when it comes to perceiving the deeper meaning behind the words presented to me. Could also be because by the time I got to your entry, my brain was turning into mush. That isn't to say that I didn't enjoyed every minute of the read. However at the end, like Stephen did at the start of his every 'first day' in the Program, I felt trapped and confused.

A smaller critique is that of it's relation to the prompt. The 'metal men' in your work have been reduced to guards. Although they add to the mystery of the facility as a whole, there is little else they bring to the story. Unless everyone in the program is actually an ASI? But then Stephen was a reporter wasn't he? I DON'T KNOW!

There's a lot here and I feel as though I need more to understand.

Last thing. The second article, written by Samuel Richards includes this line:

[quote][color=ffffff]"They believe that the system we create will rise up against up and destroy humanity through one mean or another, and simply be creating it in the first place we will have lost the [b]quote unquote[/b] war that follows."[/color][/quote]
I'm not exactly an English major but I believe that because this piece is 'written', the quoting here should have been done like so: [color=ffffff]'war'[/color].

Unless of course that's how he likes to write which would then prove my earlier point: that the all the writers were indeed in the program. This writing nuance is repeated in the third paragraph following the same article. AM I RIGHT?!

Oh my god. I need to move on.[/hider]
[@SleepingSilence]
[hider=Untitled]I wasn't going to critique your work on the grounds of submitting an incomplete entry that isn't participating. It seems unfair for both parties involved. However, going through what you submitted, I'm reminded of a previous issue I wanted to bring up to you in regards another piece you wrote. Given the number of contests that have taken place between then and now, it seems a good point to discuss as it is still relevant.

I feel as though you season your writing with commas like salt, sprinkling them in and letting them fall where they may. It makes for a confusing read and frankly, smothers my 'vision' of the scene you're trying to paint.

I had difficulty understanding exactly what was unfolding.

Your writing... refuses to let me use my lungs. Commas and periods and hyphens elicit breaks or a chance for a reader to pause and breath and consider what is being read. Breathe too much and you hyperventilate and get a little dizzy and need to take a break... from breathing. Hold your breath to long and you'll pass out. You have to manage it, especially when reading.

There is no regulation to be found here and it leaves me... exhausted. Breathless as if I've just run a mile.

[color=ffffff][quote]"Crossing the dump and reaching an enormous obsidian wall, a large gate with four levers, which required grabbing the handles, two pairs in a horizontal line beside each other on opposite sides of the door. Opening it by pushing them forward at the same time. His analysis was proven correct, as Rytok grabbed both handles on the west side."[/quote][/color]

Or:

[color=ffffff][quote]"Crossing the dump and reaching an enormous obsidian wall, Ohwo came upon a large gate with four levers; two pairs in a horizontal line beside each other on opposite sides of the door. Figuring he could open the gate by pushing them forward at the same time, his analysis was proven correct when Rytok grabbed both handles on the west side."[/quote][/color]

Added a few extra words, removed a comma and replaced another with a semicolon. Also removed an entire fragment with instruction on how to work a lever. It's not perfect and there are other changes that could be made to further improve the few lines, but it reads easier.

Your sliding in and out of tenses at will further disrupts what otherwise looks like a promising premise.

You have a wide range of vocabulary and the descriptive language needed to paint a beautiful picture. Interesting worlds to borrow from and the ability to laden work with emotion without shoving it in the reader's face. Work on sentence structure and you're golden.[/hider]

[center][hider=My Vote][hider=Goes][hider=To]

[color=ffffff]Batten Valley[/color] by [@Silver]
Honestly incredible work.
[sub][sub]Psst... vote for yourself. You deserve it. Mhm. No ulterior motives at all. >:3[/sub][/sub][/hider][/hider][/hider][/center][/color]