Brendon could see right through him. Ryan knew it. And yet he couldn't figure out how to make himself less transparent how to be less [i]obvious[/i] about everything. He'd thought that morning when they woke up together that he'd been clear enough about how he felt (although he hated how he felt, so maybe that came across, too), and now Brendon didn't have anything else to learn, but apparently such a long time of him sending the wrong signals, only entangling them further in a web of misdirected hatred and misguided antagonism, had made it impossible to turn back the clock and redeem himself. If he ever wanted his true thoughts and feelings to be anything but 'ammunition' then he had to completely, entirely change his and Brendon's relationship, one that he himself had forced to start out not just on a bad foot, but on a horrendous one. It wasn't really anyone's fault but his own, that in mind. Mostly Brendon had been defending himself all along.

[i]Hey, your loss. He looks great naked.[/i] Ryan hated how casual he was being. Here he was, genuinely fuming, and Brendon thought it was all a goddamn joke. Forget that morning - that had been some kind of fallacy. Something he made up, probably, something he was misremembering. Surely he hadn't felt that kind of softness towards Brendon of all people, not the Brendon he was standing before now, where all he wanted to do was find weak spots and attack (which didn't really make sense. He was mad out of jealousy - why try to convince himself he didn't like Brendon at all if that fancy was the driving force behind all of this?).  Anyway. He scowled even further, if it was possible, and rolled his eyes, not even bothering to let a picture enter his mind that would ruin his day even more. Silently, he begged Brendon to take him seriously, despite the fact that that would probably just spell a more intricate fight.

He supposed they weren't getting anywhere with him acting like a child, though. Ryan sucked it up, came out with some honesty for once (maybe not for the best - last time he was 100% honest about what was on his mind, it started this whole ordeal). Brendon looked almost confused but maybe like he believed him, until a cynical smile formed, and Ryan was instantly exasperated, turning his face to the ceiling while he anticipated this being stretched out even further. [i]Would you mind telling me why?[/i] Ryan gazed at him for a moment, thinking this through, trying to consider what the outcome would be of actually continuing his truthful streak, but. He was also kind of very fucking irritated by Brendon's tone, so. He let it be. Tabled the discussion for the time being. It's not like it really mattered, because Brendon clearly already knew that the reason he cared when Brendon kissed anyone who wasn't him was because he was jealous as all hell, and the reason he was so unbelievably jealous was because he had these indescribable [i]feelings[/i] that he didn't want to put a name to. Affection? Surely he couldn't be this pissed and irritated with someone he felt any kind of affection for. But there was no accurate word for them. 

Ryan humoured him being childish, kind of, and Brendon seemed unperturbed, just slowly smirking and almost-sighing, turning away to study himself in vain. Ryan glared back at him in the reflection, for once too busy being spiteful to even think about petty distractions fueled by lust. This time all he saw was his replacement - or maybe that's what he told himself, anyway. [i]Have you[/i] seen [i]me?[/i] Funny he should say that. Ryan laughed again, the short, cruel one, and raised his eyebrows, sickened. [b]"Yeah, getting sick of it, too."[/b] When he turned he thought he saw an edge of Brendon being unsettled, maybe by how Ryan himself looked in response to him, but. Probably his imagination. Not like anything took Brendon off guard. [i]Anyway, who said anything about putting out in the first place? You put those words in my mouth. You don’t know what we were going to do. Maybe I’m allowed to make out with people, and it not be a prelude to anything else.[/i] Ryan opened his mouth to argue without thinking, but he was pretty much right. Great. Ryan stopped, narrowed his eyes, tried a few different angles to this. Maybe 'sure, let me show you, I can make out without doing anything else.' But he didn't have anything solid. So... [b]"Shut up,"[/b] he said, with dwindling confidence.

[i]I think you’ll recall a few times that we have, Ryan. But, you know, you probably forget. All blends together for you.[/i] [b]"That's [i]different,[/i] it's not like we have anywhere [i]else[/i]-"[/b] Ryan paused, reconsidered what he'd said, the implications behind him. All blends together? Why would he forget? Did Brendon think he was taking this all for granted, that he didn't give a fuck about any of it? It must seem that way - Ryan could understand the misconception, honestly. It's not like he was always very kind, at all. And... he fet sort of bad about it. If Brendon was thinking that, then he had valid reasons to, and therefore Ryan wasn't doing his part to show that he did care, he did place value in this, in them. Whatever 'them' was, if it even... was. It killed him to think that, really, even when he was unendingly irritated with Brendon at the moment. He must've thought he was getting screwed around, used and thrown away. And it's not like Ryan gave him reason to believe otherwise. It made sense. [i]Fuck[/i]. Ryan's expression fell somewhat, giving in to the remorse that settled over his bones, that wouldn't leave. He forgot to find something else to say, too scared he'd reveal himself, too.

Too late to worry about that, though, because moments later Ryan was being typically possessive, accidentally going too far. He knew he was in trouble the instant Brendon's expression shifted, a warning. [i]There is no[/i] us. There could be. There was in Ryan's head. It's like- they were meant to, so... but that was too much. [i]There is [/i]me[i] and there is [/i]you [i]and sometimes, we fuck. And, yeah, it’s good. That doesn’t mean there is an us.[/i] Ryan felt something weak tug at his chest, and suddenly he wanted to sit down, to leave all of this alone before Brendon said more - or, God forbid, before Ryan said more and regretted his own callousness. It's not like Brendon was being cruel, compared to his own treatment in the past and present. [i]Nor does it mean that we are exclusive [/i]or[i] that I am here to relieve your permanent boner whenever you feel like it.[/i] Ryan's eyes followed his gesture then rolled dramatically, turning aside at Brendon's accusations and wishing he wouldn't make it sound so. Cheap. But then Ryan had never done anything differently himself. And here he was, finally considering his hypocrisy.

[i]I’m a human being, you know, and I know you’re capable of treating me like one.[/i] Ryan stilled, blinking slowly and looking back at Brendon again, meeting his gaze carefully. Did he really think...? Yeah, again. No reason to believe otherwise. This was on Ryan - he'd never done his part. And it's not like Brendon had to much. He wasn't the one who, 90% of the time, was the first to shun the other once they were out of their soft 'modes.' Ryan just got way too overly defensive, with little regard to Brendon's feelings except for when he thought too much about him. [i]You just- you just won’t.[/i] Brendon's gaze dropped and Ryan was stuck staring at the dejected line of his shoulders. [i]You fooled me in Seattle for just a second that you cared about me.[/i] It was too much, and Ryan spoke up instantly, his voice a completely different, more controlled tone. [b]"I do care about you,"[/b] he said, feeling the prickles of embarrassment naturally, reflex, but pushed on. He moved closer, not trying to touch yet, felt like Brendon would just flinch away.

[b]"I have a problem when you're with other guys because I care. I [i]want[/i] there to be..."[/b] Ryan froze up on the word 'us,' tried to navigate around it, desperately didn't want to be rejected if that sounded too much like a proposal. [b]"I don't want there to be anyone else. I [i]do[/i] care about you. This isn't just... fucking, okay? It's not that. I get freaked out and I make it seem like I think that, whatever, but I don't, that's not what this is to me."[/b] He stopped and let his voice soften a little, quelled his instinctively slightly aggressive approach to addressing this to revert back to honesty. He sucked his bottom lip between his teeth momentarily, considering, then dipped his head finally to speak where it was less difficult. [b]"When you let me stay, that night. That morning, even. That meant everything. I'm never going to- [i]not[/i] care."[/b] His voice had been gentle, but after another pause it picked up a roughness, suddenly with conviction again. [b]"So don't say I don't care about you, or any of this bullshit about it all blending together, because you're wrong."[/b]