As a matter of fact, Ryan wasn't the type to chase - that was just one of Brendon's preconceptions that'd been correct. If something was failing, he let it, and rarely was the first to admit to the failure. Why else would he have let him and Keltie go on so long the way they were? It was a character fault that came from a multitude of different reasons. Sometimes he just didn't want to be the one to blame, and letting something fall flat by itself rather than address it gave him a less active role (which totally made sense in his head). Other times he was afraid that even if he did try, his efforts would be for naught, nothing would get better and he'd be stuck worse off than before. Usually, though, he settled and watched things happen just because someone else tended to handle the chase. Sticking to the same example, Keltie had been the one in pursuit after he initially approached her - once he laid on the charm originally it was enough, apparently, and she was drawn to her new pet project naturally. As long as he wasn't making changes, she kept on coming.

Now, though. It was dramatic to say, he knew it, but Brendon made a lot of things different. There was the obvious: he'd made Ryan not hate him with the snap of a finger, had unexpectedly dug his way out of the cynical side of Ryan and instead made himself the forefront of Ryan's mind at a constant. He just had so many qualities Ryan had overlooked before while he was busy being angry about everything between them, everything Brendon had bested him at and replaced him doing, and now... the chase seemed worth it. Not that Ryan was all that exceptional at 'chasing.' For one, he was too scared of [i]looking[/i] like he wanted him, looking like anything had changed between them when literally everything had changed already, looking like he was the weak one. 'Weak.' Ryan still wasn't sure why wanting so desperately for them to become something more was a 'weak' wish to have, but it seemed like he was betraying his younger self, who'd been so angry that his place had been taken so expertly and with reason. Something like that. It was hard to 'chase' the way he wanted, to allow himself to wish, when all of that kept weighing him down.

He'd done such an awful job of it, in fact, that Brendon had been led to believe that Ryan didn't care about him at all. Even in the first place, their sexual relationship hadn't been his only drive, but somehow that belief had planted itself firmly in Brendon's head. Ryan couldn't blame him. The only way he could justify spending extended periods of time with him, close to him, was with that, where both of them were at least getting something. After all - as much as he liked Brendon now for all of these newly discovered traits and habits and general uniqueness, he couldn't guarantee he had anything in return for Brendon. So spending time together was sort of out of the question. So he thought. [i]Sorry, yeah, I didn’t realise you had feelings for me, I can’t believe I didn’t get that message through all the yelling, that’s insane.[/i] Ryan didn't remember saying that, but yeah, yeah, he really did, he had feelings for him, and they were so intense and unfamiliar that he didn't know what to do with them, so strong he wished he could find some fucking eraser to undo all the time before. 'All the yelling,' he sounded like a monster, and it wasn't even far off the mark.

'I do,' something sure and unquestionable and solid, was on the tip of his tongue, but Ryan just stared back, feeling terrified and looking only a fraction of it. He couldn't say anything to fix this now. Hell, he probably couldn't say anything that would ensure that the end of this conversation was on a good note or even a vaguely okay note - Brendon was, most likely, going to get off the bus or watch Ryan get off the bus, still fuming about it all. Or, y'know, Ian would come back and he'd have someplace to channel it. Ryan sort of felt sick thinking about the hopelessness of the situation. Maybe there really was no chase here at all. If this was so [i]hard[/i], so impossible to get through, then maybe they weren't meant to be anyway, and this was the line. He'd dug himself too deep of a grave, and now he couldn't climb out no matter how hard he'd try to fix it; there would always be the time where they screamed at each other, and, more importantly, the time where Ryan had usually been the one to pick the fight or dodge the moment of vulnerability. Really, he did [i]want[/i] to try, but when a future seemed so bleak, he probably shouldn't subject Brendon to it.

He wasn't expecting Brendon to believe him and go along happily and easily just because of a few apologetic words. He'd rather lay it all out here and now, actually, as much as it fucking sucked. Still. He couldn't have braced himself no matter what Brendon responded with. [i]Why do you have to be a dick to me in private to convince other people that you hate my guts? Everyone already [/i]knows [i]you do.[/i] Ryan was on edge again for a moment, thinking about how if everyone knew how much of a 180 he'd taken towards Brendon then they'd think the same vice versa and Brendon would most definitely be embarrassed to be associated with him in that way - hey, in that sense this was an inadvertent protective measure, wasn't it - but the fire died out fast, rethinking what note Brendon had ended that thought on. He sounded almost sad, his voice breaking on him, and Ryan felt this ache in his chest, wanted to hold him close like people who weren't them would have with one another. [b]"They think I do,"[/b] he corrected him in a small voice, lowering his head to level with Brendon when he looked down. And fuck them, too. After this conversation he was hating that dynamic more and more, cared less what other people thought, valued more that Brendon might be able to see the truth for himself.

The vulnerability faded quick, Ryan's mentioning Ian evidently enough to bring Brendon back. [i]What’re you sorry for? Being a dick to him, or being a dick to me because of him?[/i] [b]"I'm -"[/b] Ryan was, again, minutely frustrated, drawing a hand quickly over his face before he spoke. [b]"Both. Okay? Both."[/b] He was certainly not twelve, but he was acting like it, unable to even repeat his options. [i]And- are we done here, can I ask him back over.[/i] Ryan watched him, speechless, until he realized what Brendon was doing, wiping his face - namely, his eyes. Ryan's lips parted, his only possible deviation from his jaw actually dropping, and reached out to Brendon for half a second before drawing his hand back to himself, resting his fingers over his jaw in distress instead. He was pretty sure any attempts at comforting weren't welcome, anyway. [b]"I... I wish you wouldn't, Brendon. I know it's not fucking- fair of me, or whatever, we never made promises or anything, but."[/b] Ryan looked away, reserved, totally unused to these types of conversations. He honestly didn't know how to have them without circling subjects incoherently. [b]"But I do have feelings for you. I do, and I don't even know if it's [i]okay[/i] - I can't tell whether you hate me or not, either, I just assume you do."[/b]

After this, it made sense that he did, and Ryan wore that understanding on his face pretty clearly. He looked frustrated by it for a second before trying to finish his thought. [b]"So... you're the only one. For me. If you're going to be with him, I'm sorry, I can't just... I can't do it."[/b] Ryan paused, thought again about how stupidly difficult this was, the position he was putting Brendon in without really meaning to. He just knew he wouldn't be able to deal with it and storming out without explanation, or something, seemed like the worse option. [b]"Ask him back if you want, just tell me if I should get over you now, okay?"[/b] Ryan hadn't made eye contact longer than a few seconds for some time now and he was definitely looking away as he finished off, feeling stupid and exposed.