I'm having one of my bad days again, and I'm sorry. I've locked myself in my room with the lights off and the blinds shut because this is where I feel comfortable. I'm sorry I didn't want to leave with you when you asked. I just don't feel like doing much of anything right now. 

My life is falling apart and coming together all at the same time. There are certain times when my smile no longer feels fake. When I'm laughing with the people I care about, I sometimes get a little high off the feeling. I'm doing things that I have always wanted. I am becoming the person who I was meant to be. But at the same time, I am still the broken, bitter, sad girl that I have always been. Sure, I feel happy from time to time, but after those few short moments, I always go back to being angry. I sometimes wish that I could just go back to being sad all the time, but instead I have reached a point to where I am either anger or nothing. I am always angry - mostly at myself. 

I wish I could just say what was on my mind. Let the words roll off my tongue as they please. Instead I am scared of the damage that my words may do. That I'll slip and you'll find out something that would hurt you, because heaven knows if you knew half the shit that went through my mind, you'd probably have me locked up and have pills shoved down my throat. That or you'd look at me like I needed fixing. Like you pity me. Like you're scared. Because that's the way you always look at me. That's the way you [i]all[/i] look at me, and you'd do it again. 

You see, I don't want to be saved. I never asked to be saved. But you all sit there and think to yourself 'I can fix her.' No you can't. I've been trying to fix myself for years now, ya know? And I've gotten no where. I'm only eighteen. I've felt this way since I was twelve. [I]Twelve.[/i] It may not seem like that bit of a deal, but when you think about it, I've been wasting away for a third of my life. 

[I]"You have your whole life ahead of you,"[/i] they say. 

I know this. But the future scares me. I know who I want to be. I know where I want to go and what I want to do. But what if I mess it up like I have everything else in life?

[I]"You're so brave."[/i] 

Why? Because I stood on the edge of the cliff to stare down at the ground beneath? That's not bravery. That's the death wish. That's me wishing I had the nerve to jump. 

[I]"There's no way that you feel the way that you say you do. There's nothing wrong with your life. There's nothing to be sad about."[/i]

You think I don't know this? You think that I don't know that I have people who care about me? You think that I don't know that I have a place to call home, a bed to sleep in, food to eat and clothes on my back? I am grateful for these things, but I am not happy just because I have them. 

[I]"I guess you don't care."[/i]

I do care. I've always cared - maybe a bit to much, actually. If the world stop turning tomorrow, I would still care. Even in my darkest of hours, I have never stopped caring. I've tried to turn off my emotions, but I can't stop caring for others. I can't stop trying to help. 

What I need you all to understand is that I'm trying. I am working to fix myself. Working to become a better person. I am trying to feel normal again. I am trying to live my life carefree and without regrets. I am trying to make you proud. 

I'm trying.