Brendon, especially now and a lot more than in his youth, came across as confident, self-assured, fully comfortable with himself and able to navigate most situations, be it coping with awkward interview questions (usually about him and Ryan) or commanding the attention of a crowd of thousands so that they hung onto his every word, with relative ease. It was true, at least, that he made it [i]look[/i] easy, but like many who had to frequent the stage and put themselves in the spotlight over and over again he suffered from anxiety and because of his naturally outgoing personality people often doubted whether that was true. Though Brendon was used to it, now, sometimes it felt like he was under a microscope as soon as he stepped into the spotlight, standing there where thousands were scrutinising him, not worshipping him as was probably more close a definition. It was a lot of pressure, and even though Brendon coped now better than ever (even with the large setback of Ryan no longer performing by his side), his nerves still often got the better of him. He was just now better at hiding it. Hand in hand with all of this came insecurity- Brendon craved attention and when somebody (Ryan) he loved didn’t shower him with constant praise, or somebody (Ryan) he prioritised was often busy with someone else, it did affect him. Again, though, he was good at hiding it.

He never said anything about Z because he knew Ryan well enough to script the two of them an entire conversation-borderline-argument about it (Brendon would complain that he felt left out, Ryan would counter with ‘we could still do this if you hadn’t kicked me out of the band in the first place’, et cetera) that just ended up with Brendon feeling worse and consequently making Ryan feel like shit, too, and he didn’t want that- so Brendon stuck with silence, quietly brewing in his own jealousy; not jealousy because of insecurity about their relationship (it was one of the only constants in Brendon’s life at this point), jealousy because Z was effectively filling his shoes, writing and playing music just for fun and not because of some label deadline or because it had been a while since he’d put something out and he needed to do something quick or the fans would lose interest. Though he had a strong work ethic and could quite easily cope with that kind of workload and schedule, he missed the times when writing was more relaxed and laid-back and they wrote songs just for themselves, for nobody else to hear. They still wrote eachother musical love-letters, still scribbled down lyrics on sticky notes and stuck them in the first place they knew that the other would look. They had less time for eachother mostly due to Brendon’s tight schedule and him being away a lot on tour, but he knew that even if they lived on other sides of the world nd could only communicate with their phones they wouldn’t lose any love for eachother.

They’d been married, now, for- Brendon couldn’t quite remember the exact amount unless he asked Ryan to make sure- a good few years, they’d been together for most of their lives, known eachother even longer, they should be past their honeymoon phase by now and everyone around them seemed to think the same, baffled that they were witnessing the same levels of adoration now as they did, say, five years back. Brendon couldn’t imagine anything else, couldn’t imagine being one of those couples that kissed just because it was muscle memory, held hands out of obligation, didn’t [i]hate[/i] eachother but didn’t exactly worship the ground that the other walked on. Even though they were both very generous with their compliments, neither of them ever got used to it. How could Brendon, when he was married to the most talented writer he knew, who came up with new and different praise every day even if it was just in the form of little notes and the odd text- each made Brendon’s day every time when they were apart, and when they were together, nothing ever really needed to be said because there was a surety and comfort that had settled in their bones that they were still ridiculously and wholly in love with eachother and that would remain the same for as long as they lived and onwards into forever.

A little dramatic, but such were the thoughts that sprang to mind when Ryan looked this handsome, that and other things for which his cursed his brain- noW wasn’t the [i]time,[/i] but it was Ryan’s fault for looking so damn good whenever they had to actually go somewhere and do something. To try and occupy himself when Ryan stepped back and out of their embrace, he fidgeted awkwardly- he wanted to get his hands all over him, possibly ruin that outfit but it would be worth it- no. Brendon cringed at himself for having the worst possible timing and kind of glanced off into the distance, disappointed with himself but also actively avoiding looking directly at Ryan, like [i]he[/i] was the sun for once. [i]Yeah, yeah, sure they do.[/i] Brendon nodded vigorously, still unsure as to how to occupy his hands, so he shoved them into his pockets. [b]”Really,”[/b] He persisted, and he knew that Ryan did actually look on Instagram sometimes, he just know about the almost cult following he’d assembled even since retreating almost fully from the public eye. Brendon let almost sorry for those fans, because Ryan really was now a recluse. He served them by putting Ryan on his snapchat and Instagram as much as was possible without Ryan calling him out or something. [b]”They’re obsessed with you. I think it even rivals my love for you, y’know?”[/b]

Ryan was walking back over and Brendon sighed with relief, smiling softly as his husband held him close. Could they not just stay like this? [i]So, any requests?[/i] Brendon’s expression was serene and adoring as he searched Ryan’s honey eyes and thought back to the last show, when Ryan had performed a very private love song for everyone else to hear, a window into their relationship, almost. [i]Maybe Z will let me throw in another impromptu love song. [/i]He hummed absently, only half-listening, mostly preoccupied by Ryan himself. [b]”I bet she just loved singing a duet with you about me.”/b] Honestly, it was if they enjoyed watching other people gag at their sickly sweetness. [i]Or maybe I’ll just surprise you.[/i] Brendon’s eyes were lidded, as Ryan had started to play with his hair, but still he managed a nod, opening them again to straighten up and move his hands to rest comfortably at Ryan’s waist. [b]”Surprise me,”[/b] He repeated, and he knew that Ryan would do so dutifully. [i]You could join me onstage, too. Little bit of a reunion.[/i] A gentle laugh, and Brendon moved his hands to smooth down Ryan’s chest. [b]”And steal your thunder? I can barely restrain myself right now, I really won’t be able to cope up there. You’re so gorgeous. Fuck [i]you[/i] for making me want you especially at a time where we have to be somewhere.”[/b]