The first of the three and only songs Brendon had heard from Ryan and Jon’s new record (he knew there were other members but he had never cared enough to find out who the other guys were) was titled ‘the other girl’, and when Brendon first read the title, his stomach had turned over. Before he listened, he asked himself over and over, did he really want to know what, who this song would be about? Brendon was more than aware that Ryan tended to reliably change pronouns in songs so that real life situations seemed more like fiction. ‘The other girl’ could be Keltie- [i]it could be Brendon-[/i] or it could be some other girl Brendon didn’t know about, maybe Ryan had been with other people since then, but that was none of his business anymore. After he wrestled with himself to make a decision, he told himself to get over it- not everything is about you, Brendon- and pressed play, sitting back and gnawing on his lip, memories of arguing with Ryan over who should sing certain parts of the song flooding back to him once he heard Ryan’s voice. It was largely unchanged and Brendon thought it was charming, sweet, somewhat unassuming. Even though he knew Ryan was capable of more powerful vocals, he figured Ryan had stuck with what he was comfortable with. Brendon listened dutifully even when certain words cut into him in terrible, specific ways, just like he’d expected.

[i]Don't wait around for love, you're not what he's thinking of, when he's with the other girl.[/i] Brendon tortured himself over this line. It could be Ryan, singing to Brendon about himself, telling Brendon not to wait around because he loved Keltie- though, Keltie had been gone from Ryan’s life for a while, as far as Brendon knew. Another theory he played with was that [i]he[/i] was ‘the other girl’- Ryan was singing to Keltie, confessing that he’d picked out of the two of them, but still referring to him simply as an affair that went to far. Or maybe it was Ryan singing to himself, reflecting on his feelings when he’d discovered Brendon and Ian had something going on. It was a nightmare to listen to even though the song was objectively good- Ryan and Jon had, admittedly, done a good job there. Brendon, though, bitter about it at the time, had angrily and hastily scribbled down a song of his own, passionate and spiteful, mixing up their ‘affair’ as Ryan seemed to see it, and his distaste towards Jon and Ryan’s new band. [i]They know, I know, they don’t look like me, they don’t sound like me.[/i] He calmed himself down almost immediately afterwards, but the lyrics grew on him fast and it became a song. [i]Hurricane.[/i] It only just made it on their final album and Brendon wondered now whether Ryan had heard it.

The next of the three songs Brendon had heard was [i]dangerous blues,[/i] a song that compared love and drugs and almost linked them together. It was less of a love song and more of a lament about how said love could hurt. Brendon didn’t know what to think about this one, because they’d never been in [i]love,[/i] that was never a word either of them had dared to even think about, it was just mutually and silently agreed that whatever was going on between them was far from love. It was an excellent song, though, and it was Brendon’s favourite of the three, musically at least. The final was ‘lie to the truth’ and a standout lines from that less-than-a-love-song were [i]I know I broke your heart, mine is broken too; Now if we're even, then why are we both blue?[/i] and again, Brendon wondered whether what they had for a relatively brief period of time was more to Ryan than he had thought, meant more to Ryan that it did to Brendon. He found that hard to believe, but- they [i]were[/i] both blue, and Brendon only realised he’d been so sad about the split this whole time now that Ryan was standing before him, tall and gorgeous and astounding.

[i]I know I’ve finally had enough of you.[/i] After hearing that line, Brendon decided he couldn’t physically sit and listen through any more, it would be too painful and he wouldn’t be able to just enjoy the music, he’d have to dissect every line and try and link it back to their own messy relationship, or lack thereof. So, when he said he loved their new record, it wasn’t a complete lie- but the full truth was that Brendon found it agonising to listen to the three songs he’d heard and didn’t even attempt to get through any more. [i]Sure- but give it a night, you’ll be able to tell him yourself.[/i] Shit. Jon didn’t deflect and brush off compliments like Ryan could be relied on to do. He supposed he’d have to analyse every song thoroughly by tomorrow to be able to convince Jon that he’d been a fan from the start- Jon night have been easygoing and usually the epitome of relaxed, but he wasn’t stupid and he knew Brendon well enough to know when he was lying through his teeth. Brendon smiled, but it was strained, preoccupied, because he wasn’t looking forward to subjecting himself to forty five minutes of emotional turmoil.

[i]Yeah, I did too. Jokes on them - guess they weren't expecting us to have had a clean split.[/i] Brendon exhaled a sigh of relief that they were on the same page, but then he quirked an eyebrow hesitantly, considering his wording. [b]”A clean split?”[/b] He echoed, thinking sheepishly about how he’d lifted Ryan’s lyrics right from the demos of their planned album while they were all still a band and turned them on Ryan in order to mock him, and thinking about the bitterness and angst that was a common theme throughout the entire album. Maybe Ryan really was just oblivious, or maybe he hadn’t heard anything at all. Brendon couldn’t help but feel annoyed by that, hypocrite that he was. [b]”Is that what we’re calling it now?”[/b] Grinning, but completely serious, he shrugged a shoulder dismissively and then decided he wanted to stop dwelling on the nature and length of the split and now focus on that they were back together in the same place and they had a long time to catch up. Creative differences or not, Brendon was closer to those three guys than he was anyone else. Even Ryan. [i]Especially[/i] Ryan, in a figurative sense and now in a physical one, because they were suddenly pressed together, Ryan’s shape and feel so familiar, and he was breathing him in, everything was heated and confusing and Brendon’s only coherent thought was Ryan’s name for a long few moments until he grounded himself.

[i]Miming wasn't exactly what I had in mind. We've got plenty of time to make up for, may as well do everything.[/i] Breathless, but laughing anyway, Brendon’s mind filled up with a heady mix of visual and kinaesthetic memories as he pressed his palms against the line of Ryan’s jaw on either side. [b]”Everything, anything, make me yours,”[/b] He was saying, but it was half mumbled and he cut himself off when he leaned in for that sweet kiss, one that gave him time to set himself straight and think about the possible repercussions of his actions here. Spencer wouldn’t- oh, fuck, Spencer would not be happy, but that was admittedly at the bottom of the list of problems here, and Brendon managed to stop kissing Ryan long enough to pull back and think carefully about what could happen if they took this any further and didn’t excuse it as a mistake fuelled by post-show adrenaline. They had a chance to be friends, real friends, but- Brendon didn’t really want that. He didn’t know what he wanted, so it all befell on Ryan.

He distracted himself by working on Ryan’s buttons as he waited for a response. [i]Just you.[/i] That could be arranged, Brendon thought, blinking serenely as he tilted his head back to meet Ryan’s eyes. [i]I'm not saying boyfriends, I know, it doesn't work.[/i] He felt his heart sink and he couldn’t quite figure out why. [i]I just want you. Whatever you can offer. See, I'm not picky.[/i] Brendon laughed softly, but it died quickly and he looked stonily at his own hands as they slowed to stop with his self-given task of getting Ryan out of his shirt. [b]”That’s fine, but- I think, that, uh, we need some ground rules.”[/b] A pause, Brendon resumed his work at a more leisurely pace, reaching the bottom and punctuating his words by unfastening the last one. [b]”To stop us fucking shit up again. Like- we can have our steamy second love affair but this time, [i]only[/i] for this tour. No longer.”[/b] It felt so surreal, trying to be serious when they were both in such a state.