It was true, Ryan poured his heart into his lyrics because he couldn't do so much with spoken words. The split itself was no huge deal - although he had, admittedly, been a shit about it at the time - because he'd seen it coming, and he and Spencer were bound to reconnect anyway. Brendon wasn't a guarantee, and Ryan grieved that loss so much, though it made little sense, that he turned what he felt into song. Well - most of it. And sometimes he had to twist the story into other things he didn't completely relate to lest he be a broken record, but still, there were so many standalone lines that were meant only for Brendon that he almost figured he'd never hear out of disinterest or otherwise. Even the happy, beachy songs that set the tone for the album like Take A Vacation included lines that called him back to memory; [i]if this is settling down, then why aren't you here?[/i] All because initially it seemed like they were doing the wrong thing, making music without two key pieces to this puzzle of theirs.

[i]Maybe we will, maybe we won't[/i]; their endless dancing around each other that he instantly regretted not taking a brave step forward into. Almost the entirety of 'Die Tonight' was his - it could practically be Brendon's intellectual property. [i]But if I were to die tonight, would you cry or deny my place in your life?[/i] He'd never known where they stood, but when they tried to settle... [i]I'm aware that you're scared of my heart, but it's here.[/i] Maybe that would be a little embarrassing to know that Brendon had heard it. Especially now, seeing him again... it'd been practically an invitation, and it still rang true, telling him he'd be waiting. Unknowingly, he supposed he had been. [i]Every night is the same; go to sleep with our blame, and the shame is enough to separate us / but we can't help ourselves, we're in love, and it really hurts when it's wrong[/i]. The song spoke for itself. Perhaps sending Brendon the demos first so he could approve that much private thought about him being publicized was something Ryan should've considered - alas. A little too late now. And he wasn't freaking out, or anything, so maybe he hadn't heard or hadn't picked up on it.

The album wasn't the only thing he'd released, though, and Ryan was even more certain Brendon hadn't come across it. Lonely Moonlight was blanketed with metaphor and vagueness as per usual, and it was far too soft for anyone to even consider it might be about Brendon, his supposed arch-nemesis. In actuality: [i]someone I love loves someone else; another day I lost all by myself.[/i] Maybe he wasn't in love, but it felt like it. Maybe he wasn't alone but it felt like it. And... maybe he was dramatic. Brendon probably wasn't writing melancholic love songs alone in a hotel room in the dead of night. Ryan tended to invest more in these things. 'Where I Belong's [i]I know I should've never left, I'd gotten tired of being buried[/i] wasn't necessarily true anymore - he'd only felt 'buried' in those early times of Brendon taking his place, despite still being the main source of creative output. After the split the resentment over that had briefly returned, not just for Brendon but at everyone who'd played a role in turning over his lead as frontman. [i]Anyway.[/i] The point was, Ryan had definitely dwelled too much on everything, and it seemed like Brendon was getting along fine - but he was a much more talented actor than Ryan.

And he had a writing team thinking about things more objectively. Hurricane, though, rang with the sound of Brendon - Ryan had grown familiar with his style, and some of the lyrics hit too close to be anything but his, alluding to not just Ryan but the split itself. It was spiteful, sure, and overconfident and cocky and resentful, but some pieces became desperate. [i]You're behind my eyelids when I'm all alone.[/i].. [i]He didn't come and speak to me, or put my heart at ease.[/i].. [i]Fix me or conflict me, I'll take anything.[/i] It was a stretch, and at least one of those was about God considering the context, but still. There had to be some element of Ryan. And 'Trade Mistakes'... and 'The Calendar,' god. [i]And I meant everything I said that night.[/i] Ryan had practically memorized the entire album by the second day it came out, on the floor of his bedroom, replaying-replaying-replaying, analyzing every word and ignoring the hurt when he thought he'd detected something. What was worse, somehow, was that it seemed like Brendon was doing a better job moving on.

But. He couldn't bring all of that up now, interrogate Brendon about what his words meant. [i]A clean split?[/i] Ryan paused, reconsidering, then pursed his lips. His mind drifted to the same place as Brendon's unknowingly. [i]Here I am, composing a burlesque...[/i] He'd been mad about leaving all his lyrics behind the first night alone, but a couple days, give or take, and he'd grown accepting of the fact that that was all Panic's property, not his. He shrugged his shoulders helplessly. [i]Is that what we’re calling it now?[/i] Ryan tilted his head, good-natured. [b]"Compared to other bands, sure. Hey, no one went off on a drug binge, none of us have any sex scandals, everyone's excited to see each other... I'd say we're doing pretty good."[/b] Well. Ryan had come pretty fucking close to snapping for a minute there, but he'd had Jon. Still he considered it all good, every cited difference and every annoyed comment and argument they'd all had with each other towards the end now officially moot. It'd all been in the heat of the moment - or, at least, Ryan never meant any of the hurtful words that might have left his mouth. Brendon's dismissive shrug kept him from going back to that, though.

[i]Everything, anything, make me yours.[/i] The guy was a goddamn poet. It was just more fuel for that shared kiss, and maybe something Ryan would store in his brain for, like, ever. [i]Make me yours.[/i] He [i]wished.[/i] Wished he had the courage to ask without being afraid of the answer, wished he could prove that they could be something real without it failing, wished they'd worked out in the first place. He could feel Brendon's hesitation, though, and allowed him the pause, giving some space by leaning back somewhat. [i]That’s fine, but- I think, that, uh, we need some ground rules.[/i] Ryan stayed shut up, uncertain, and just watched him cautiously, still not quite moving to help or encourage the removal of his shirt. Honestly he wasn't too excited about the reveal, either. Self-conscious through and through. At least it gave them an excuse to not make constant eye contact during what seemed like it was going to be a serious, almost uncomfortable conversation.

[i]To stop us fucking shit up again.[/i] Ryan would be offended if he wasn't absolutely right. His brain had just blocked out that part, all the fucked up stuff. [i]Like- we can have our steamy second love affair but this time, [/i]only [i]for this tour. No longer.[/i] Ryan's mouth quirked slightly, and he wasn't going to [i]say[/i] anything, but that was hard to believe. Just for this tour... and then what? They'd think about each other until the next equivalent partner? Ryan was sure he wouldn't meet someone who affected him as much as Brendon. As much as he'd like to abide by these 'ground rules,' he'd wanted to win Brendon over since about ten minutes ago, wanted to try again officially. Brendon wasn't just a hook-up, even if that hook-up would last the length of a tour. He was a lot more. Figuring he could probably change his mind in time, Ryan slowly nodded after a moment, shrugging his shoulders free of fabric. [b]"Sure,"[/b] he murmured impassively, pulling his arms through the sleeves and dropping his shirt to the floor. [b]"Works for me."[/b] He tucked his fingers into Brendon's waistband, totally innocuous, and explored the expanse of his skin, thumbs finding his hipbones and hooking there. He lowered his voice, expectant. [b]"Any more of these ground rules?"[/b]