[center][h2][b]”Cereal Killer” K. Runch Vs. "Crimson Blade" Howie Tzar: Who is the Iron Stomached Chef![/b][/h2][/center] Howie Tzar nodded, a wide grin slicing across his face like a jagged edge, entertained by his first challenger. [color=greenyellow]”Hyufoofoofoof! I should be honored to have a fellow chef as my first opponent, I believe. I hear your cereal is as tasty as it is nutritious!”[/color] Runch stood before the man now, one hand resting on the hilt of his spoonsaber. The two met eye to eye, nearly the exact same height. [color=turquoise]”The honor is mine, omnomnomnom! But yes, I am your first, and last, opponent!”[/color] Tzar licked his lips. [color=greenyellow]”Cheeky. We’ll see how long you last with the worst dishes I can possibly prepare!”[/color] Dramatically Tzar unfurled his arms, causing his tattered white marine coat to spread apart every which direction, billowing in the wind. This revealed his well sculpted, maintained physique, two long blades attached to his arms, and most peculiar of all, two small white feathered wings on his back, practically vestigial and completely useless. This action also revealed that his assistant cooks had setup two long tables for each of them to work on, alongside a very large pile of various foods between the tables for ease of access. A fully fledged cooking station sat in the middle of the two tables, with large barrels of water at the ends, fully stocked cutlery, and all manner of other assorted tools. [color=turquoise]”Omnomnom! I should warn you, if you plan to make me lose my lunch or gross me out, you won’t get very far! Nothing you could cook will harm my stomach.”[/color] The pirate captain pat his belly with gusto. Those looking on could easily see his behavior as boastful, but to those who knew the captain it was something much more. They knew he was actually behaving far more humble than he had any right to. Tzar squinted with one eye. [color=greenyellow]”We shall see about tha-OWOWOWOW GET OFF OF ME DAMMIT FRANKIE LET GO OF MY EAR AAAAAAGH!”[/COLOR] As the enemy chef dealt with his crazy bird, the two referees took their positions. A number of assistant cooks stood off to the side, ready to cart in more and more food and spices as it became necessary. “Aaaaaaand…. Start cooking!” The whistle blew, signalling both to start up. Runch began by grabbing an armful of various fruits, dumping them down onto a cutting board. Tzar whistled and pointed a command, and in response his pet bird swooped in to grab him a large ham. Runch had been startled by the falcon swooping in nearby, but otherwise kept calm enough to peel the skins from some oranges with great speed and precision. He wondered what the opponent planned to do with that ham? He didn’t have to wait long to find out. Tzar dashed some pepper and some honey glaze over the ham, then more pepper and more pepper and more pepper then a touch of chilli powder to top it off. The fumes coming from the hunk of meat were already causing the chef’s nose to drip! [color=greenyellow]”Now witness my style! Ballet Cooking, Red Hot Allegro!”[/color] Suddenly the two blades attached to Tzar’s arms heated up to red hot intensity. The very air around them wobbled in a haze! The man dipped down, then back up, swinging his leg around, then swiped furiously with his arm blades, slicing the ham into dozens of pieces, each one searing into a perfectly cooked masterpiece as the blade made contact. [color=greenyellow]”And Sauté!”[/color] The man jumped forward, right leg extended up high, left leg bent as far back as it could go. In this motion, he kicked the platter of seared ham straight at Runch’s face, splattering the captain, knocking him over, and sending his fruit high up into the air. It seemed as though the precious fruit would soon hit the ground and bruise, or splatter… Through some miraculous blind coordination, the spoonsaber shot up from the ground and, guided by its owner’s hand, zigged and zagged through to air to catch every piece of airborne fruit. Runch himself still remained on the ground, face covered in blazing hot ham, but he quickly jumped up to his feet, deposited the fruit into a mixed bowl, and chopped it all into tiny pieces. All this while still blind. A second later, the ham sucked inward, twisting in on itself as though being forced through a tiny hole into the vacuum of space. It then vanished into Runch’s mouth, where it was chewed up and swallowed without a problem. [color=turquoise]”Spicy? Please. Dry maybe, but nowhere near too spicy for me! Omnomnomnomnom! Now try this! Rainbow Fruit Salad!”[/color] Using his spoonsaber, Runch flung the bowl of fruit salad back at his opponent, who caught the bowl and began to devour the meal in earnest. [color=greenyellow]”Delicious. A very good fruit salad. How did you poison it?”[/color] he asked, wary of the pirate, and tossing the bowl back, which Runch caught. [color=turquoise]”I didn’t! Omnomnom!”[/color] replied the captain, depositing the bowl into the sink section of his cooking station. This didn’t sit well with Tzar. [color=greenyellow]”If you don’t want to tell me, then don’t. It makes little difference, as I will still win!”[/color] He pointed and whistled again, causing Frankie to swoop once more into the pile of ingredients, this time retrieving several sausages. Meanwhile, Runch grabbed himself a bag of flour, some milk, cocoa beans, and other assorted ingredients. Swiftly he mixed it all together and, with a dash of his bori bori powers, created colorful sprinkle top, and threw it all into his oven to bake. [i][color=turquoise]This should take a few minutes, but once it comes out, it’ll knock out his taste buds, I just know it![/color][/i] Nearby, Tzar was marinating his sausages in a bizarre mixture of green chilli, caster oil, wasabi, and… was he straining them using [i]used socks?![/i] [color=yellowgreen]”Looks like you’ll be eating plenty of my dishes while you’re waiting for that to bake! Hyufoofoofoof!”[/color] He flipped the sausages out of the socks, up into the air. [color=turquoise]”You’ll be getting plenty of good eating while my masterpiece bakes, I assure you! Omnomnom!”[/color] Runch was already moving toward the food pile to grab his next set of ingredients to prepare. [color=yellowgreen]”Heh. Ballet style, Red Hot Alegro! And Ballon!”[/color] With strange grace, Tzar jumped upward into the air, almost flying like a bird. Several feet high, he became level with the sausages, and sliced them neatly with his red hot blades. The pieces landed onto the flat of his weapons, further searing the meat, which he flung down at Runch before landing with tact, toes touching the ground first. [color=greenyellow]”Sauté!”[/color] This time the captain was ready, and did not get beaned in the face. Rather, he caught the various slices of sausages using his hands and mouth, near instantly swallowing them before shoving the rest into his gullet. The man didn’t pause or flinch. [color=turquoise]”The flavors were unbalanced, Howie-san! Next time I’d suggest less wasabi, and a tortilla for the chili! Omnomnomnom!”[/color] Half the crowd was in shock. That man had just down wasabi covered sock-sausage like it was nothing! The very few of them who could actually stomach their chef’s deadly cooking couldn’t do so without some measure of illness, yet this man made it look easy! It was clear Tzar found this irritating. [color=greenyellow]”We’ll see how my next dish fares,”[/color] he snarled, the underlying threat evident. [color=turquoise]”Yes, we will!”[/color] Runch agreed, oozing sincerity. Both men began working on their next culinary creation. Runch applied some brown sugar and lightly squeezed lemon juice to a thoroughly mixed bowl of oatmeal, topped with a small dollop of whipped cream, and a red cereal pellet. It was finished just as Tzar began his flowing dance combat cooking style, a steak slathered in enough butter to give a man a heart attack on the spot garnished with bird feces, and seasoned with rat poison. [color=greenyellow]”Ballet style, Burning Blue Adagio.”[/color] His movements, while still flowing and smooth, slowed down tremendously as his arm blades changed from a glowing red hot to a glowing [i]blue[/i] hot. Less than half a second was all that was needed to sear the steak to cooked perfection… Or as perfect as it could get, considering what it has been made from. [color=greenyellow]”Sauté!”[/color] Once again the man jumped, and once again this led to his “meal” getting kicked straight for his opponent. Runch caught the steak at the same time he tossed his own creation back at Tzar, the two foods crossing paths midair. Tzar downed his oatmeal in a single gulp, fearing whatever Runch had done to sabotage the taste… Only to realize it had tasted fantastic! But the enemy had to have done something, hadn’t he? Runch however, he was chewing up the steak as though savoring the taste. Many a jaws dropped in the bleachers. [i]How?![/i] was the general sentiment. “How?!” A random Buccaneer asked aloud, utterly shocked. [color=orange]”Your chef made a tactical error against my cap’n,”[/color] spoke the nearby navigator, Hachirou. His eyes never left the display happening before them, his face remained serious and staunch, yet clearly anybody could see he exemplified confidence. [color=orange]”If he changed strategy and tries to over feed the cap’n then he might have a chance, but as he is now? Creating dangerous and disgusting foods? There is no food known on this earth the cap’n cannot stomach, and if something new is discovered, he’ll learn to eat that too!”[/color] The pirate, confused, asked, “I don’t get it. How?” [color=orange]”The cap’n is no fool in the kitchen, or on the battlefield, and this setting? It’s both. He knows everyone and everything have different tastes, so he makes [i]every[/i] possible recipe he can, and he tries them [i]all.[/i] A naturally adventurous man. It’s why I follow him.”[/color] Hachirou crossed his arms. “But our chef just poisoned him! You can’t seriously tell me your captain is used to eating [i]poison![/i]” Hachirou nodded. [color=orange]”I can.”[/color] “WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!” Hachirou sighed, clearly bothered by the amount of talking he was now doing. Wasn’t this sort of thing usually Smith’s job? [color=orange]”You’ve heard of his bori bori powers, right? Heard of the explosive cereal he’s made, the poisonous cereal, the sticky glue cereal? He can’t make new types up on the fly. The cap’n can only make cereals that he himself has already eaten.”[/color] “Wait, are you telling me that this man’s stomach has survived explosive food?! HE CAN'T BE HUMAN!” Hachirou was done speaking to this annoying fly. Rather than address any further questions, he simply knocked the man out with a surprise slap to the back of the head. Problem solved. Now he could get back to focusing on the eating contest… Down below, Runch and Tzar had made three more dishes apiece. Each of Tzar’s was more disgusting or deadly than the last, but the Cereal Killer happily ate it all up with nary a complaint. Meanwhile, each of Runch’s has been more fulfilling, more tasty. Tzar dared not to savor it, lest some hidden trap be sprung upon his taste buds, but couldn’t deny how amazing it all was. Dammit, what was that pirate doing to these foods, and how could he cover up the taste so well while still being so fantastic?! [color=greenyellow]”Take this! My most powerful technique! Adagio-“[/color] His movements, slow and precise, setup an array of ingredients unrecognizable by the human eye, one of which might have actually been a human eye. [color=greenyellow]”-into Alegro!”[/color] Quickly he picked up the pace, hacking and slashing with his burning hot blades, transforming the unrecognizable pile of ingredients into… An unrecognizable pile of what could loosely be called food. [color=greenyellow]”Brisé Volé Maximum! And Sauté!”[/color] Once again the “food” found its way into Runch’s mouth, where once again it was thoroughly enjoyed, and critiques on potential improvements. Tzar’s jaw practically hit the dirt, just in time for a small ding to signal that Runch’s big creation, what he had set in the oven at the start of this whole contest, had finished baking. [color=turquoise]”Ah, that’s it! Omnomnom!”[/color] No sooner had the captain taken out the baking pan did an intoxicating aroma sweep across the field, tickling the noses of everyone. Whatever he had made, it smelled of perfection. [color=turquoise]”Here you are, Howie-san, the dish that will end this contest. Myriad Crisp Cereal Bars!”[/color] With that, Runch began slicing the baked good into several smaller squares, then stood back as his opponent came to eat the obligatory meal. Red flags went off in the chef’s head. If Runch had been able to effortlessly stomach the abominations he made, what was in this crisp cereal bar that gave the man such confidence? Slowly Tzar sniffed, desperate for any trace of poison or foul play. He found none. “A friendly reminder to lieutenant Howie that he cannot go ten seconds without eating or cooking,” a referee called out. “Six. Seven. Eight.” The other counted. With no time to waste, Tzar dove right in. My god. This taste. It was… it was… [i]Divine.[/i] An orgasm to the mouth! Unable to help himself, Tzar presses his face right into the baking pan, eating more and more as Runch stood aside, laughing as he snacked. [color=turquoise]”Omnomnomnom! Glad you enjoyed it! Because now I win!”[/color] Tzar snapped back up. That’s right, his enemy declared victory over this food. He was certain of it. The chef rounded back on the man and gestures rudely. [color=greenyellow]”What’d you do to this food?”[/color] he demanded. [color=greenyellow]”What’d you put in it? Poison? Gunpowder? Shrapnel?”[/color] Runch couldn’t help himself. Already a naturally jolly man, he belted out a heavy laugh. [color=turquoise]”OMNOMNOMNOM! I could never do something like that! My food is my gift! To willingly give someone something I made with my own hands for them to eat, with a nefarious purpose? Why, is have to toss my baking gloves overboard! I could never dishonor my kitchen like that! Not when I see how happy my food has made you! Omnomnomnom!”[/color] Confused, Tzar reeled back, then fell to the floor on his butt. He couldn’t move, he was so shocked! [color=greenyellow]”Seriously?! Then, you didn’t sabotage ANY of those dishes?! But then how are you so confident that this crispy cereal bar has beaten me?”[/color] As he spoke, Tzar tried to stand, only to find that he lost his balance and tumbled down again. Puzzled, he made another attempt, with even less success. Now thoroughly angry, he tried one last time, but only wound up rolling over. And over. And over. Wait, when did he become a big ball?! Tzar had inflated into a large ball shape, unable to move! Grunting in frustration, he only saw the green grass in his face as his comparatively tiny limbs flailed helplessly. But he could hear everything. [color=turquoise]”Omnomnom! I swore none of my foods could hurt you, but I still came to win! All of my foods were made with one goal in mind. Once they all combined in your stomach, the mixture would force the crispy cereal bars to expand inside you! Omnomnom!”[/color] “Eight! Nine! Ten! Howie Tzar is unable to continue! The winner is Bartholomew K. Runch!” [color=greenyellow]"OWOWOWOWOW FRANKIE YOU STUPID BIRD, GET OFF ME!"[/color] Tzar flailed his arms as best he could, but to no avail. He could not stop the falcon from biting at his ear.