Brendon often wondered whether or not anybody actually knew about the two of them. There had been that first night in Seattle, when Ryan flew across the country with the intention of heading directly to his hotel room, for what reason he wasn’t, at the time, sure of- and he was pretty sure nobody suspected a thing, the level of hatred they displayed to eachother was so great and incontestable. The next morning and the day of the first Seattle show he had earned some funny looks- Brendon didn’t blame them, he had a limp in his step that was mortifyingly noticeable- but other than that, nothing. They’d never been meticulously careful in covering their tracks, but they were, to an extent, cautious. They’d never hear the end of it if anybody found out within the band- if anybody outside of the band and the close crew found out about Brendon and Ryan’s peculiar new relationship, they’d never recover from that kind of scandal. As far as he knew, it was still their secret, their mutual burden to bear, though it didn’t feel like much of a burden when Ryan was standing this close to him and he was smirking and Brendon could vividly recall the racing thrum of his pulse beneath his lips and the warmth of his skin under his fingertips. It was all a long while ago now but it was tantalising and painfully fresh in Brendon’s mind, too overwhelming for him to be able to go with his gut and back out of this before he became ensnared with Ryan again, before their hypothetical cars collided in the same lane yet again. It wouldn’t be pretty, Brendon knew. It never was with them.

Brendon was fully aware of the gamble he was making even as he worked on the buttons of Ryan’s shirt, but he decided that even though the odds were stacked against this ending even neutrally, Ryan was worth the risk. Still, he was hesitant. Brendon had an unfortunate history of greatly misreading situations and Embarassing himself, so halfway down the front of Ryan’s shirt, he stopped, tilted his head up at him slightly, and made double sure that they were on the same page here, or at least the same chapter. [i]Of[/i] course. He exhaled a sigh of relief and carried on, trying to ignore the embarrassing dilemma of his rapid heart- though all he could feel was it beating insistently in his chest and the only things he could tangibly focus on were the sounds of his and Ryan’s unsteady, urgent breathing as they celebrated their reunion in their own apparent special way; the familiar softness of Ryan’s skin; his gentle, dulcet tone. It was all music in his ears and at his fingertips. [i]At night your body is a symphony and I’m conducting[/i]- an apt lyric then and now. It was terrifying how little exposure to Ryan it took for Brendon to unravel at the seams and come apart at the edges. [i]If I ever change my mind about that, then I've gone crazy, believe me.[/i]

[b]”You never know,”[/b] He mumbled, impatiently unfastening the final button at the bottom of Ryan’s shirt and feeling a sense of triumph when it dropped from Ryan’s shoulders and crumpled onto the ground. [b]”Y’could’ve gone off me or something.”[/b] ...Brendon didn’t believe that for a second even as he himself made the suggestion; Ryan had written songs about him, for god’s sake, it was highly unlikely they’d just reunite and go on as friends considering they had never just been friends before. They didn’t know how to make it work, just like how they didn’t know how to make the faraway concept of ‘boyfriends’ work- they made everything up as they went along and hoped it didn’t all fall apart into ruin, even though by now that was their trademark- it had happened with with everything since their first meeting when Ryan immediately decided to hate Brendon’s guts, then it had happened with their brief fling, and then the band had split and though neither of them mentioned it they both knew part of the blame could be attributed to the fact that they’d complicated things beyond repair. At least their mutual hatred was accepted and manageable and they each knew their place with the other- add in romance, even in its most watered down and dirtied form, everything became a whole lot harder to handle. And so, predictably, reliably, they ruined everything with admirably consistency.

They weren’t [i]stupid.[/i] Brendon wasn’t an idiot. Again, he knew exactly what the consequences could be if this turned sour. He just- didn’t particularly care. It was so hard to care about anything or think beyond the present when he had the permission and time to explore as he pleased, hands visiting the same territory and familiarising themselves with the differences, the slight but noticeable increase in definition. It was be so easy to leave his inhibitions and common sense behind when he was in Ryan’s arms. But- [i]Brendon wasn’t an idiot.[/i] Though he was beyond caring about the potential consequences for the two of them as individuals, he did genuinely care about Spencer and Dallon and Ian and Mike and Jon, who had nothing to do with the mess they’d made and didn’t deserve to suffer when the fallout inevitably came. So; the solution. To soften the blow, he threw his arms around Ryan’s neck, stated the rule as plainly as possible and then leaned in to catch him in an apologetic kiss, fingers curling into the back of his hair. With the more serious request out of the way, Brendon drew back to propose a second deal. 

[i]You’re cute.[/i] So was Ryan’s fucking laugh, but Brendon’s expression turned stormy and his hackles raised, hyperconscious of the possibility of being mocked- until Ryan dated him quickly by drawing his thumb gently over his temple, and he settled like a content feline, blinking up at him affectionately. [i]Sure, if you’re up for the challenge.[/i] Challenge. [i]Challenge?[/i] Brendon scoffed, pulling back and puffing our his chest, the confidence of a peacock but no substance to back this assuredness of himself and his completed untested abilities. [b]”Maybe it’s a challenge for [i]you.[/i] Just you wait, Rowe, you’ll feel me for [i]days.”[/i][/b] That last comment was a joke, alluding to their first encounter of this nature, but even still, he trailed off towards the end, suddenly realising that Ryan had agreed and he’d never expected- or wanted- to get this far. However, because he had more pride than sense, he supposed he’d have to go through with it. [i]Anything for you, baby.[/i] His eyes glittered and he surged close to kiss him hastily- that had always been Brendon’s thing, but when Ryan made use of the pet name, it made his heart swell and he finally realised why Ryan always used to looked so affected when he used it.

[i]But... you’re right.[/i] Yeah, Ryan, he usually was. You’ll learn someday. [i]Nobody can know, sure.[/i] Brendon inhaled, content, then leaned to meet Ryan in the middle, allowing him to take the lead of the kiss and sighing hitchedly when he felt Ryan’s teeth sink gently into his bottom lip. [i]Hey...[/i] Brendon made a curious noise but let his eyes fall shut as Ryan pressed kisses along the side of his face. [i]I have... My own rule.[/i] Interesting. You [i]have to try not to make me too jealous onstage, ‘kay?[/i] Brendon sighed again, deep and breathy, but he was half-laughing until Ryan caught onto his earlobe and leaned them both back. [b]”Sorry, it’s just me [i]acting out,”[/i][/b] He explained. [b]”See, I’ve just missed [i]you[/i] so much.”[/b] Pointedly, he pressed his hips forward and grinned, hanging off Ryan’s neck by his arms. [b]”I really have missed you. Don’t be too jealous of Dallon, he’s too sweet for me anyway.”[/b]