[quote=@Briza]
Nitpicking is not going to help the growth of an amateur writer.

However, as the author, Briza gets to say the reasons, not someone who managed to have no hand in writing the story.
[/quote]

[@Briza] I feel you're potentially taking an overly defensive stance over what comes down to mere friendly suggestions. Certainly seems that way at least, but I'll assume this is humor that's being poorly translated like last time. So the following is only for if you may those statements without jest. Otherwise, simply appreciate the given response.


>This is only is you're seriously telling me that I'm nitpicking and I shouldn't try to give advice about characters/setting when I'm not the one who wrote it. Because it's a touch more direct than I'd be normally than if it was mere sarcasm. So I'll only assume a reply to this means that is/was the case.
[hider=My reply]

Pointing out mistakes and giving advice is the only way a writer can improve. That's really about as simple as it can get. I didn't wish to go much deeper than that, because it's harder to directly point out. (Or it may sound rude in doing so.) I didn't exactly want to give vague absurdity advice like, "your language is chaotic and fragmented" followed by no examples or whatever I'm usually given by others that means absolutely nothing to me. That stuff doesn't help and doesn't intend to for that matter.

I mean I can always speak more vaguely. And just more on the whole of where I think someone could improve the story. But if you have the latter logic, you won't accept any criticism and will never improve. But the best I can do to make this self-explanatory, I can only go as deep into the writing as the writer themselves make it. Can I comment about the prose and if it works well? (No) The plot and how it develops? (Not really) The character detail? (Did. Being rejected) The interesting sentences/paragraphs? (I mentioned the single one I found that seemed to be attempting a joke. I guess 'dry humor' isn't my taste.) Wordplay? (No.) Structure choices? (Did.) Obvious themes or symbolism? (The prompt appears to be the theme/story.) It's tight and easy to read because there's basically nothing there for me. It's an admittedly rushed effort that is a very simple story in every possible way...

If I'm wrong in that assessment and it's provable in the words you wrote, feel free to correct me...

What are *your* favorite paragraphs and sentences? Did you purposely go out of your way to make anything lines clever by word choice alone? I'm assuming every sentence has one book or entire philosophy surrounding it, but it still doesn't make sentences very engaging. I could "nitpick" probably most of the sentences and edit them down to mean the same thing/be objectively "tighter" sentences. 

[color=fff200]We had spoken slight words prior to our meeting at the shop, and she had seemed a bit dazzled by my outfit.[/color]
[color=39b54a]We'd spoken few words prior to our meeting at the shop, she'd seemed dazzled by my outfit.[/color]

Actually several sentences here could be made a bit more powerful by tightening them and removing the filler words.
[color=ed1c24]If not for a lifetime, then for at least today.[/color]
[color=39b54a]If not for a lifetime, then for today.[/color]

That edit is probably my favorite sentence, because of how simple it now is and how it fits the entire theme of an act done by a Good Samaritan. Now I'd only argue it's placed in the wrong point of the story. If there's a way I can make this clear, my favorite line in my story is also pretty short.

His heart sank so low, it drowned in his stomach.

His heart=emotional
Sank so low=Mood and fundamental lowest point of the story/and character.
Drowned in his stomach=Wordplay that's the best way to literally write an [i]emotional gut punch.[/i]

And this sentence only works so well, admittedly in my opinion, because it's perfectly placed where it's most appropriate to put it. After the pet died. If that sentence was put anywhere else, would have far less impact. But even on its own it is simple and effective wordplay. I don't need to say that's a reference to *insert author here* that nobody could possibly pick up on. 

But that's why I'd argue it's better than even some of the more complicated lines that I created. So let me be clear, simple isn't bad at face value. But I wouldn't say an attempt to craft clever and well written lines is automatically worse than perfectly succeeding at merely writing anything without editing. Fewer overall flaws doesn't mean a necessarily better product, I'd argue without even attempting to experiment (or actually try hard as you can) you'll never know what works and what doesn't.

I'd go farther and I could. But if pointing out what I find be could improved upon is nitpicking, it's probably not worth much for either of us. But I'd like to hope my point came across without being too harsh. Because it really isn't the intention...but if I feel like I'm being dismissed because I'm being too wishy-washy with my criticism. I won't merely ignore it, I'll take it as criticism of my criticism (which I'll admit failed in its aim.) and work to improve on that as well.
[/hider]