[h3]Curiouser and Curiouser![/h3] [i]with a sprinkle of [@Dervish][/i] [i]13th of Midyear - Gilane Town Square[/i] [hr] Somehow, through wandering, Raelynn had stumbled upon the town square of Gilane. A place she couldn’t recall ever having been. Despite the amount of time spent in Gilane - it was as if it had all been spent in the markets… How strange that she should find such a relaxing place at the heart of Gilane, just through walking. There were several cosmopolitan looking tea houses and cafes scattered in a circle, surrounding a beautifully ornate looking pool of water in the very centre. As she walked towards it, she could see an Altmer woman sat at the edge of it, a coin in her hand which she tossed into the water with a dainty little splash. A curious custom, she thought to herself - although it did look rather comfortable... The Breton sat on the edge of the pool, where the Altmer woman had been, taking a break to rest her feet again, the bag of journals placed at her side. Her eyes kept darting to one that sat on top - and eventually, her curiosity got the better of her, and in the comfort of the quiet crowd, she picked up the journal and opened it… Starting with the very first entry... [hr] [center][indent][i]13th Rain’s Hand 4E208 Tomorrow’s the big day. It took a lot of my own personal finances, what was left of it anyways, and the ruin has been rather inconvenient to reach up here high in the Jerall Mountains, but all of the misgivings about the journey faded when I first saw what lurked beneath the surface; this is easily the largest Dwemer ruin ever to be discovered, and even with the army of workers Rhea Valerius enlisted for this pursuit, you could spend years cataloging every inch of this place and still have secrets to discover. I’m pretty sure there’s something valuable lurking below; I feel it in my blood. In this line of work, you learn to trust your instincts. They keep you alive and they lead to a prize. That said, I’m not sure about the others Rhea’s hired on for this expedition scheduled for tomorrow. Most aren’t scholarly types, or even appear to be experts in the field. At least Judena Callisar is with us, thank Alkosh, she’s been a good friend to me for years now and is one of the few people I know for certain is an expert in this field. It’s been good catching up with her and discussing what’s already been discovered; it’s keeping me focused and from dwelling on people like Durantel, who I am confident isn’t a Thalmor spy because he acts so overtly like you’d expect someone who spews Altmer supremacy to act, or that Alim fellow who I’m pretty sure knicked a lot of personal property, but he squirrels it away well... Point being, I barely trust these people to be able to lace up a pair of boots on their own, let alone not set off a trap or activate some automata because their abilities of observation are so bad that it’s a wonder they escaped childhood alive and with all of their limbs intact. Oh well, they go down, I get a bigger pay cut and a better claim to any artifacts that Rhea doesn’t claim. She’s the one funding the expedition, and I am a professional. I may not get first choice of whatever’s discovered, but the size of this place… there’s almost certainly something worth immeasurable value to acquire.[/i][/indent][/center] [hr] Interesting, so Daro’Vasora had an existing friendship with Judena. The mention of Alim brought a smile to Raelynn’s lips, and she realised she hadn’t seen her friend since the party. She hoped he was keeping well - perhaps he and Anifaire had been spending time together. She hoped, whatever it was he was doing, he was happy. So strange to read of Durantel - he had all but gone missing entirely lately. Not that Raelynn had said even a word to him. He seemed to stuck up even for her liking. By the God’s, she felt that he was twice her size too. The Khajiit was right to have such a disliking of him... [hr] [center][indent][i]I’m honestly concerned about making ends meet; normally I don’t work with more than a handful of people I can keep an eye on, being in a big expedition like this is unheard of. Not only does it make your cut shit if you don’t find anything valuable, or a number of artifacts, but it does nothing for your reputation when your name is 20th down a list. I just had no time for the research or acquiring funding for travel; it’s been three months since my last expedition, and even the last one was already a somewhat well-known barrow that was largely picked clean. La’Shuni is coming to Imperial City next month, and it’s been years since I’ve seen her. I want to show her how successful I’ve been on my own, to be able to pay for her travel expenses and make her stay with me one she’ll cherish for years. I don’t want to say that I can’t do something for her because I’m broke; I know her, she’d tell me that all she cares about it spending time with me, but that’s not good enough. I want her to have her first visit to the capital to be something incredible, so she’ll admire me and aspire to be more than just a girl who follows in mother and father’s footsteps. I’m happy with my life, I am, I just miss my family and I don’t want her to feel like I’m a disappointment or that finding your true calling in life only leads to ruin. I can’t give her the wrong impression; this expedition will help me take care of her and show her that a future doesn’t have to be what your family says it should be. She’s counting on me. This is why I cannot fail.[/i][/indent][/center] [hr] The Breton found herself getting choked at her friend’s sentiment - her resolve, her hope. A pang of guilt followed. These were her innermost thoughts, and Raelynn was absorbing them for entertainment. Or was it something else? She had never quite understood Daro’Vasora, she hadn’t wanted to be her friend - it wasn’t all that long ago that they were at each other’s throats wearing fake smiles around her father’s table. These words and emotions were not for her eyes, and Raelynn placed a hand on her heart and clutched. She could never go back to not knowing this information. She closed the journal and placed it back in the bag, stopping to take a look around her. Gilane was a jewel of a city, and yet so tainted. It had taken so much from her, and yet - given her so much too. She’d made a friend in the Khajiit, fallen in love with Gregor, grown closer to Alim, Jaraleet, and beautiful Latro. She’d seen her father for the first time in years. She’d found a strength within herself. She thought of Mazrah - the orc who had joined them, just because. Truthfully, she had paid no mind as to why Mazrah had joined them. But it had been Daro’Vasora, hadn’t it? She had helped Mazrah in a scrape and then Mazrah had joined them. Raelynn would never have been able to convince the warrior Orsimer to join them in such a way. She found herself chuckling at just what she herself would have to offer to get her on board… And Shakti, young Shakti - she had been freed from her prison because Daro’Vasora brought them here to join the Poncy Man’s insurgency. In a way, Shakti had been liberated because of Sora. She pulled the journal back up, and flicked to another page... [hr] [center][indent][i]30th Second Seed 4E208 Rhea’s dead. It’s been chaos for so long, I haven’t had the time or heart to write in this damned thing, but I realize that chances are, I’m going to die suddenly and I want people to know what happened. I need to let my family know what happened, the reason they’ll never see their daughter again. Mara, I miss them. Keep them safe, keep them free. The Aldmeri Dominion attacked Anvil with a fleet; we barely escaped with Roux Dupris, a face I never thought I’d see again, nor want to. After they bloodlessly took Skingrad (unless you count the Count) and relieved the refugee crisis, they took the Imperials trying to retake the city as a provocation of war and they already had their damned fleet ready to go. Rhea was killed by infiltrators, but it was quick. She died with a smile on her face… she was just so happy we didn’t forget her, that we cared enough about her to include her in our group after I so soundly rejected her and blamed her for everything. It wasn’t fair. I’ve spent time with her body, thanking her for what she did, begging for forgiveness. It’s weird, caring so much of the opinion of a corpse of a woman who I hated even up until her death, but now I feel more of a kinship to her than ever before. I really could have done better… should have done better. I nearly ruined everything I had going for me. Zegol was murdered by the Dwemer, the Imperial City was conquered and occupied in the course of a day. My life work, gone. I nearly lost Latro because I’m a fucking child who doesn’t know how to be a decent person, and I nearly abandoned Judena. She wouldn’t know where I would have gone, and every morning she would have looked for me until she eventually figured it out. I can’t do that to her, I can’t do that to him, I don’t have anyone else.[/i][/indent][/center] [hr] Once more Raelynn stopped. This was simply too much, she traced her fingers over the page - where the quill had met the parchment and she could feel the indentation, the force with which Daro’Vasora had applied to write the words. They were scratched in, until they fell softer - barely there. Their weight so heavy they could land without so much as an effort. Her heart yearned for the Khajiit now, how much she had done for them, how it had taken its toll. She could see it clear as day on the page. She thumbed at the words, as if by doing so would connect her to her imprisoned friend. “I see now…” she whispered, willing herself to finish what she started. [hr] [indent] [center] [i]I don’t know how people can need or want me after everything I’ve done, and right now, people are looking to me for answers, and I’ve been doing my best to give them. I try to look like I’m in control, that I’m confident in things working out, but the truth is in private I’m terrified. I invited everyone on this ship to get away from the war, and I don’t know how to tell them that we’re going to part ways once we’re safe. Maybe some will come with me, others… I don’t know. It hurts to think, and I don’t trust myself anymore. I’ve tried to be more compassionate, to trust others. After I walked the Moonpath, I was given advice on how to proceed, but I don’t know how to do what my ancestors ask of me. The thing is, after being with these people for so long already, and after everything we’ve been through, the thought of leaving them actually kind of hurts. I know I’d feel betrayed if one of them walked out on me, so why do I think it's okay to do the same? Maybe Hammerfell will have the answers. Maybe it’ll be safe. Maybe maybe maybe. I just need sleep.[/i][/center][/indent] [hr] How could Daro’Vasora feel so low? It was never the impression she had given to anyone - and Raelynn found an instant admiration for her, that had never been there. A deep regret that she had ever thought so little of her. She had only ever tried her best. The Breton sighed, and once again placed the journal back on the pile in the bag. Mulling over what had been in that entry. It was… horrible. It wasn’t entirely unlike her own journal entries, except that hers were full of selfish thoughts and horrible words about pretty much everyone, and yet here the only bad words that the Khajiit had been writing were about herself. She had held herself together with such grace, and yes, she could be snappy and full of sass, but she had a big heart. She understood now why Latro loved her so. She thought of them, the conversations they must have - sharing the innermost secrets. Not entirely unlike she and Gregor, in fact. Only… They weren’t sacrificing the souls of Dwemer officials and bringing heat to the entire group. The pangs of guilt hit her again, and yet she couldn’t stop. Her hand reached for the leather-bound journal and she brought it to her eyes once more... [hr] [indent] [center] [i]6th Midyear 4E208 This might very well be the last time I write in this journal. The Dwemer have Roux; they sent me his fingers. I have complicated feelings towards the man, but after reuniting with him, he’s not the person he used to be. He had a wife, a daughter and the Dwemer took them from him. I could tell he was telling the truth; I’ve seen enough loss and grieving in the past weeks for a lifetime. Roux was yet another soul lost in the maelstrom of this war. They told me I have to be there in a few hours; I will be there as soon as I can. I know I’m walking into a trap, and I know this is foolish; he’s probably already dead, and this is an obvious attempt to bait me out. It’s working. I’ve lost too many people, and I can’t sit back and do nothing. The guilt would consume me for the rest of my life. Who the fuck am I? I don’t even know anymore.[/i][/center][/indent] [hr] “Roux…” she said aloud, his body seared into her mind and she could see him lying there - cold, but peaceful. She had made sure he was peaceful. Had Daro’Vasora loved this man as she loved Latro? Raelynn would never ask her, and she didn’t really want to know. It made everything so much harder. She finally got to learn how Zaveed trapped her though, he baited her to the scene and she came running. She came running because she was capable of love and always had others in front of herself. She knew it was a trap and yet she went anyway because… Well, because that was her way. Daro’Vasora would never leave people behind. [hr] [Indent] [center] [i]I look back at who I was even a few months ago, and I am ashamed… of who I was, how I acted, how the last memories Rhea had were of me degrading her in front of the people she gave up everything to protect. It’s too late for her, and I failed her. It’s not too late for Roux, I hope. But no matter what I decide, I’m failing someone. I wish Latro were here right now; I just cannot tell him what I’m about to do. I can’t bear the thought of losing him, too. Maybe I deserve this, maybe a part of me feels like I deserve whatever happens to me. I really don’t want it to happen, and even as I write this, my feet feel like anchors. The body has such an interesting way of preserving itself when it knows it’s facing its mortality, I wonder if this is what soldiers feel like when they march upon the field of battle, under some great banner knowing that they could die from a well-placed arrow before they have a chance to thrust their spear. I feel so alive right now, and I don’t think I’ve lived my life how I should. There’s so much life I need to do. But I need to do this, for me, for Roux… I don’t even know anymore. Truth is, these people I’ve been with since I started keeping this journal, which I had expected to be filled with sketches of discoveries like that Falmer wall painting and some Dwemeri construction, my thoughts, maps, all of the usual, these people matter to me. I’m not going to be a sentimental little bitch and call them family, because I’ve barely talked to most of them, and I can only call a handful of them my friends, but that’s another failing of mine. I never let people get close until I feel I can let my guard down, but I’ve been shown a lot of love and compassion from these people, my companions. I guess they are friends. I think about them, and it’s no longer distrust I feel, but rather a fondness and appreciation, if anything the hesitation and apprehension I feel is from my own hang-ups and my own fears. The same ones that almost made me leave in Anvil without a word, even if that meant losing a man I was falling in love with. The same ones that followed me across the sea to somewhere I promised was safe, and they look up to me as a leader when I don’t deserve it. I am responsible for these people and I want them to go home, but to do that, we need to make sure there’s a home to go home to. That’s why I can’t give up, I can’t leave. My ancestors, Zegol, Judena, Latro… I have so many people that I love that I cannot give up on. If I quit now, I’ll spend my life regretting everything and if anything happens to my family, and I didn’t try… I wouldn’t be able to live with myself. I guess I’ve always accepted that I could die here, doing this stupid leadership thing, and fighting a war I know we can’t win, and that’s why I’m prepared to go try and rescue Roux even though I know it will only end up bad. I just can’t live with the consequences if I didn’t. If anyone is reading this, then maybe I died and this is their way of getting closure. If you are someone in my group, my friends… I am sorry I failed you. I love you, and everything you’ve done for me. If you’re some random asshole who found this book in a pawnshop, eat shit and die you thundering cockgoblin. Stop getting your rocks off reading people’s personal thoughts, especially when they’re dead you sick and depraved fuck. But if you are someone I knew and cared about, please know I tried my best, and you deserved way better than who I was. Be better than who I was, and don’t lose hope. [I]Vaba Do'Shurh'do[/I] – it is good to be brave. Bright moons and sharp claws to you, Daro’Vasora will look down upon you and smile. [/i][/center][/indent] [hr] With tears in her eyes and her lips trembling, her fingers gripped so tightly around the pages that they could have torn she uttered her final words before placing the journal back into its bag; “You never failed us.” “You’re a hero Daro’Vasora… You’re [i]our[/i] hero.”