[color=orange]Disclaimer: This post is not meant to call anyone out, it's not me being overly mean to anyone, this post is not about being rude or malicious to anyone. This is merely my observations on the characters in their current state and how they could have been improved upon.[/color]

[color=orange][u][b]Claudius [/b][/u][/color]

[quote]Personality: In a world of ESPers, where combat, medicine, and research all pivot around those powers that transcend human mundanity, those without such abilities are forced to the delegation of side characters or faceless individuals who only exist as a means of moving from point A to point B. This is an absolute fate, and it is this absolute fate that Claudius wages war on. He is an unsalvageable chuunibyou, an outspoken buffoon, and a mad scientist who has dedicated his life to turning the magical into the mundane.
Claudius believes himself to be a "protagonist", a being destined to defeat the ESP-archy that he perceives the world around him to be. In the face of tyranny, he stands tall, an unbending oak to weather the storm. In interactions with others, he is recklessly ostentatious and loudmouthed, a ridiculous jester without peer who is prone to monologue at the slightest opportunity.
Viewing all others as subordinates, inferiors, lesser beings, jesters, and the like, he proclaims himself as a being of a higher standing. Even with regards to those who are objectively above him in ability, such as otherworldly monsters from a higher dimension, transcendent gods who exist outside of time, or his elementary school principal, he does not change this demeanor. For those rare individuals who either believe his words or pretend to play along though, he treats them as valued "sidekicks", though they are still of course disposable pawns. As one could imagine, he has the concept of protagonism so hammered into his soul that it cannot be divorced.
Probably great at parties.[/quote]

[color=orange]Firstly the positives, it does seem like you have knowledge of in your writing and now how to string together prose fairly well. However, the issue with this personality is that it honestly tells me nothing. You have a lot of words, but not a lot of substance, and it combines history with personality which is necessarily bad - yet you don’t really weave those parts of history well enough to connect them to the personality trait. I would suggest looking back through this and perhaps starting it off with the more interesting bit of his character for example;[/color]

[quote]Everyone believes they are the main character of their own story, but Claudius is demented enough to actually believe that’s true. Declaring himself the “Protagonist” of this story, Claudius believes himself to be the savior that this world needs.[/quote]

[color=orange]It still has the prose you’re looking for, however, it is more clear and specific in it’s intent. Sometimes less is more in terms of wording.[/color]

[quote] Claudius descends from a relatively long line of ESPers (read: one of his ancestors was a Gemstone and the rest are just normal people), but was born without ESP himself. His parents were not unreasonable people, and did not view him as lesser for this unfortunate circumstance, raising him as they would any other child. The trouble came when Claudius was seven and his parents had their second child, a girl, who was blessed with a talent currently assessed as rank 4 (read: she went to Academy City and was assessed as a rank 4 after the usual treatment of hard drugs).[/quote]

[color=orange]Taking the biography at a time, it isn’t necessarily a terribly written biography, but there are parts that are disjointed. I don’t quite get the read stuff and it’s quite jarring and takes me right out of the narrative you’re trying to tell. I’d just include that information in the biography itself without the parentheses it isn’t really necessary. So for example I would start this off with;[/color]

[quote]The Westerson family has come from a relatively long line of ESPers, in fact one of their ancestors was a Gemstone while a bit less dramatic is the others were normal in comparison. But despite their history bloodline, he himself was not born with ESP. His family, however, not ones to judge loved him all the same for it, caring and protecting and supporting him. Though all of this changed when he was seven and his baby sister was born, blessed with the talent of a rank 4, tested at Academy City through the usual treatment of hard drugs, she became his parents apple of their eye.[/quote]

[color=orange]Moving on we continue[/color]

[quote]While Claudius's parents were not the type to show overt favoritism, they couldn't help but show a trace more attention to their prodigy of a daughter (read: they wrote letters to their daughter who was over in Academy City instead of going to Claudius’s science fair). This was Claudius's turning point; refusing to accept the reality around him, he proclaimed that he would overcome ESP as a concept, and become something greater.[/quote]

[color=orange]This needs some look over, if they are showing favoritism to one or the other then they are the type to show favoritism. It can’t be both ways. This structurally needs to be rewritten to make a clearer narrative shift;[/color]

[quote]It was clear after a while that his younger sister became his parents favorite, they couldn’t help, but showed more attention to their prodigy of a daughter. While it may seem petty, as a child it greatly impacted him when he found out they wrote letters more often to his sister in Academy City then to him at a science fair. This was a turning point in his life, he wouldn’t or couldn’t accept this reality around him.[/quote]

[color=orange]I wouldn’t say this proclamation should come so young at his age and add another paragraph at a much older age that his proclamation came. Then again things are written in a disjointed way I can’t really tell the age of Claudius at this moment, but considering they are seven years apart I am not even sure this makes much sense in general narratively speaking. I also added a bit more emotion into the narrative which your original didn’t. To give the character more emotional ground.[/color]

[quote]The next decade was filled with Claudius moving to this endeavor. Neglecting his studies to the point where he just barely scraped through school, shutting out all others and immersing himself in his work, he tinkered endlessly to realize his dream. His parents, not wanting to dissuade him from his passions, helped fund his projects, and every so often Claudius actually managed to churn out an invention that worked relatively well and even earned some money thanks to it. [/quote]

[color=orange]I think this could be written better in terms of actually capturing this state of Claudius life. Something along the lines of;[/color] 

[quote]This disillusionment/this denial of accepting this to be his reality began his rebel phase, in the eyes of his parents. Neglecting his studies to the point where he was scraping by in school, shutting out others, and immersing himself in his work.[/quote]

[color=orange]Conclusion to the biography bit; You have a solid idea of where your character is going and I am not going to deny that. But I think things could have been written more cleanly and more clearly to be more connecting.

Onto skills[/color] 

[quote]High-Speed Calculation: Self-explanatory. Also extends to reading.[/quote]

[color=orange]This is not self explanatory. High Speed Calculations can mean anything and even if it is self explanatory, you have to consider the audience may not know what high speed calculations is. This actually should have been written with what that actually means for your character.

Honestly I am not sure I even like these skills. Some of them, looking at High Speed Calculations and his Mastery of Improvisation - especially in the way they are described makes it feel like he is a prodigy. In your biography you claim he was forgotten because his sister was a prodigy. I feel like his skills should have played off more with his more average skill set.[/color]

[quote]Description: Subset (read: useless premature result) of Alchemy which appeals to the actualization of form. In terms of theory, it is perhaps more similar to ESP than magecraft. From an outsider's perspective, it is simply the materialization of objects through expenditure of mana. To put it in terms more conducive to magic, the 'referent' of a word within human understanding is used to access the meaning attached to that 'referent', thus generating a catalyst by which phenomena can be formed. Naturally, this scales as one would imagine.[/quote]

[color=orange]You suffer from a lot of what the mages suffer from in this RP. Is you write these prose that are quite pretty to look at, but you aren’t clear on what the ability does and how it does it. This is the one time where prose won’t serve you. It is often more important to clearly state what these abilities do so other players can follow them along for example;[/color]

[quote]From an outsider’s perspective, it is simply the materialization of objects through the expenditure of mana. In terms more conductive to mage, it is more akin to alchemy. Expanding an object through mana and converting it into another object[/quote]

[color=orange]And to be honest I am not even sure I translate that appropriately because of how confusing your description of your ability is. Precise, clear, simple, language, with clear point is often better when writing abilities.[/color]

[color=orange][u][b]Moving onto Hayden Isaak [/b][/u][/color]

[quote]Personality: 
Hayden seems to be a carefree person who is always looking to do something that dulls his boredom. He enjoys hitting the town whenever he can and seems to be a likable person who’s decent to hangout with. He can be handful of times, but in the end he's created the perfect image of a regular guy who's always on peoples good side. When he’s working though he seems to become a completely different person. He becomes cold to others misfortunes and always focuses on his job, doing whatever it takes to get it done. In his line of work the price is always right. He seems to even become a bit unstable, finding new ways to put his life in danger with a smile. On many occasions he's nearly gotten himself killed, though a few days in the hospital always seems to be the cure for that. It’s no fun unless you almost lose an arm or leg apparently.[/quote]

[color=orange]In terms of personality, it’s passable. It’s more clear than some of the others and I understand the basics of the character. It’s doable, but could be improved upon. You lack actually adding in the what, why, and the how in this personality. So for example you state, “he’s created the perfect image of a regular guy”, but how does he do that? Likable doesn’t describe how, or why, people perceive him as a regular guy. Is he a likable guy because of his wit and charm? Is he funny? And what constitutes as a regular guy in terms of the character?

Beside that my conclusion on Hayden is that he’s a passable character. Your sheet is not necessarily bad, but there are things that could be used to punch it up. I admire someone taking on the role of a more average minded character, who isn’t too skilled at anything, with the right balance. I feel like even though you did do an average character there could have been a bit more snap in the CS and something that make the character interesting. As he doesn’t make me too excited to read.[/color]

[quote]Description: 
Pyrokinesis involves inducing or increasing the movement or vibrations of a target's molecules through Telekinesis to the point of ignition. In cases where fires are started with no combustible materials present, there may also be a realization factor involved besides heating power[/quote]

[color=orange]Again it seems you have he same issue as everyone else does. When describing powers it’s always better go with simple explanations, What can it do. Like Pryokinesis is kind of self explanatory, but there are so many ways it could be implemented that it has to be clearer on what it can and cannot do. Range, who it affects, how long it affects. On some level like it’s fine, but on another hand when things aren’t properly explained it leads into weird scenarios where people just do whatever they please because they have written their power in an obtuse vague way.[/color]

[color=orange][u][b]Inugami Himiko[/b][/u][/color]

[quote]Personality: While normally gentle and soft spoken, she absolutely dislikes doing unnecessary things, or things that annoys her, especially anything that disrupts her normally peaceful life. Once something like that happens, she turns into someone so far removed from her usual personality that one would be hard pressed to associate that with her usual self. Brash, loudmouth, and foulmouthed, Himiko becomes a rather impetuous individual, while still having the same morals and kindness, could and would be described as cruel, bad or irritated.

It was a good thing that doesn't happen much in Academy City, and most would know her to be the only shrine maiden in a small shrine in a corner of the city.[/quote]

[color=orange]Another personality that is actually quite vague, you actually state not a lot about your character, while seemingly it looks like you did.. It lacks, the what, the how, that some of the other sheets lack. For example, you state “she absolutely dislikes unnecessary things or things that annoy her”. Well beside things that disrupt her peaceful life, what are those things? What are the things she considers unnecessary? 

Also how is it so far removed from her usual personality? Soft spoken and gentle doesn’t describe who she is and doesn’t describe much of how she changes. For example, I have a character who has an extremely long fuse, so he shrugs off problems and smiles, so everyone always assumes that he’s okay and nice. But he actually has so much bottled up emotions he explodes into a rage that he and others around him cannot control and it’s quite self destructive. Which in comparison to his relaxed, carefree state, someone who passes off conflict in comparison to the angry, bitter and resentful person he becomes.

These are things that need to be addressed when making characters like this.

Biography, I am not going say it’s bad. It passes, it’s serviceable, not very interesting because you don’t hand out the why’s. Like why does she prefer shortcuts? Or who she learned shortcuts from? Her father, a sibling, maybe it was her family who coddled an impatient child and didn’t teach her to take her time with things? Also it seems like some of this stuff could be blended with personality to make it more robust. Otherwise it’s fine.

Skills I actually like the idea you played off the whole Monks are more healthy and robust, it’s actually an interesting way to take the skills and you did a good job finding a way to make a priestess interesting without adding unnecessary fluff I see all the time in characters like this.[/color]

[quote]Description: It is a system often needing specific arrangements of certain items to activate their magical effects. For instance a simple square of four(less or more depending on the size of the boundary) paper talismans could be used to create a boundary to invigorate anyone the caster targets as long as they are within it, or a small table, a cup of sake and a two candles could be used to hold a seance. Calling upon the dead, or even kami to talk to was normal for her. Even the future can be divined through various methods, though almost all were time consuming methods. More direct methods would just be throwing a paper talisman that explodes, or sweeping a gohei around to dispell negative energy.[/quote]

[color=orange]Same advice I have given the others. Specifics are nicer than prose when it comes to abilities. Just be clear and frank.[/color]

[color=orange][u][b]Unto Yukiyama Yukiru[/b][/u][/color]

[color=orange]Honestly I like this character, I read your sheet and I don’t necessarily see any glaring problems with it. You’ve even managed to write clear powers that actually explain what they exactly do. She’s funny, she’s interesting. Good work.[/color]

[color=orange][u][b]Dirigibile Riccardo[/b][/u]

Another good character and I don’t really see anything you need to fix in the sheet. Your powers are clear and concise, you’ve managed to explain exactly what they do and honestly say your sheet [u][b]should be the example of how to write mage powers for the others.[/b][/u][/color]

[color=orange][u][b]Hirasawa Adrian[/b][/u][/color]

[color=orange]While I like the character, I do feel like there could have been polished made in some of the sections in your sheet. They aren’t necessary, but they would made your character more solid in the long run. Otherwise I do like the character and would have liked to see more, considering outside of RP context you have a good concept in mind for who your character is.[/color]

[quote]Personality: Often lax and unconcerned where his own well being is concerned but overprotective of his little sister, Adrian is about as relaxed the rest of the time as a person could really be. Stressful situations do nothing to hinder his genuine good cheer and optimism but does have a tendency to come off as uncaring or cold despite his disposition, often making light of tragedy with an ill-timed joke or comment. 

Has a bad habit of becoming an insect-humanoid and haunting his own home. Specifically his sister and her friends, especially the male friends.[/quote]

[color=orange]Like many of the sheets you forget the hows, or the whys in your personality. It honestly would flesh out the character a bit more and give him more substance as a person. For example, you state he’s over protective of his sister. How does he show this? What triggers them? What is relaxed for Adrian? What does he consider a good time? Little things like that flesh out the character a bit more.

Biography; while I like what you have here, it would have been nice if you expanded into his home life. Relationship with his parents, their thoughts on him goofing off in class. Again like your personality this could have been filled out more to add more substance to the character. I don’t have criticism on what is written because it’s clear, but it could have been more.

Powers are written clearly and I know the ins and outs of what he can and cannot do I have no criticism on this section. Overall I want to like Adrian, I feel like more oomph could have been put into his sheet.[/color]

[color=orange][u][b]Kayne Senki[/b][/u]

I want to like this character, but reading over his sheet it feels a bit messy and unpolished. Like you had a lot of ideas, but didn’t know quite how to put them together.[/color]

[quote]Personality: 

An absolutely self-centered, self-assured individual. While not even necessarily meaning to be arrogant or superior, it’s a natural line of thought that’s central to him. His existence and self could be said to be a filter that his thoughts start on.

Perhaps it could be best said that he believes that he has the ability to effect the world, and that for better or worse, his life, and the events around him hold a relation to his own actions. One who is a master of his own destiny, and is in turn supported by it.

Proud, he holds himself up to a self-set standard, and to the responsibilities of his (overinflated) position. The eldest male, and therefore heir to his prestigious family. Supported and encouraged to go to the famous Academy City (so the unsuited failure could be gone for a while), he lives a life full of blessings and fortunes to live up to his family name and status.

Ah, if only if they’d raise his level. Someone like him can’t be a 0!

With the feelings of a not understood genius carrying the secret knowledge of, and crusade against those who wield magic due to his sister (and unknowingly the rest of his family.) It could be said that his petty vengeance is the cornerstone to making him feel extra-special instead of merely gifted.[/quote]

[color=orange]I am not sure quite where, but this personality feels disjointed. Yes you have a lot of substance, but the order feels wrong in some way. It feels like it jumps from one thing to the next without really connecting them and it’s really throwing me off from the character. Like on some general level I should like this character, but I feel like the order of narrative doesn’t work if I were to structure this it probably read more like;[/color]

[quote]Ah! If only they raised his level. Someone like him can’t be a 0!

With the feelings of a not understood genius carrying the secret knowledge of, and to crusade against those who wield magic due to his sister [and unbeknownst his whole family] It could be said that his petty vengeance is the cornerstone to make him feel extra special-instead of merely gifted.

It is this personal complex that makes him seem arrogant to most, though he doesn’t mean anything by his actions. Self centered Senki feels the need to be special and that often conflicts with others who perceive this need as mall intent on his part.[/quote]

[color=orange]Yeah I think that works better. I think it’s the order in the way it is written that  makes it disjointed and like things were not connecting with each other. So I’d say focus on structuring your paragraphs a bit better to flow better.

Biography is fine, I really have no comments on the biography. It’s passable,  I wish there was a bit more on Senki and how he feels about his situation, but I think that it works the way it works now.

Skills are absolutely hilarious love the scooter bit I just imagine him stupidly posing on it like he is the epitome of cool, and I wish that energy and life was put into other aspects of the sheet that can be read off very dry. 

My comment about the powers is about what I have told about half the sheets. It took me two reads to get the fact he was a human magnet. Could have been worded more clearly and concisely and again it seems you struggle with structuring your sentences in larger sections.[/color]

[color=orange][u][b]Fujimura Viktoriya[/b][/u]

Good sheet everything is written clearly and you have a firm grasp of your character. Despite being one of the shorter powers written you have manage to write it in a clear and concise way that I know exactly what it does. I quite like the character, everything was clear and comprehensively written. Good job.[/color]

[color=yellow][b]Disclaimer: Whatever has happened personally between me and Persona has not affected this review. I have treated this sheet like I have treated all the sheets above me. This about the sheet, not the player.[/b][/color]

[color=orange][u][b]Park Eun-Oh[/b][/u][/color]

[quote]Personality: Young, naive, and easily impressionable. A lifetime isolated from modern society has left him clueless as to how the ‘real world’ works and is as such completely oblivious to things such as the current war between magic and science. Though he desires autonomy, he is still just a child, and thus clings fervently to nearly anyone.[/quote]

[color=orange]Much like the other sheets, this personality is vague and unclear of the individual. On personal level I wouldn’t accept even a paragraph for a ten year old, they have had enough life experience to start developing their own state of mind. But beyond my personal taste, this personality says nothing about who the character is, why the character is. 

For example; how does he desire autonomy? What is his interpretation of autonomy? 

You don’t really need the young, it’s an unnecessary description, but how is he naive? And if he was isolated from modern society then what were the things that imprinted on him, because he’s impressionable? These things need to be consider even if the character lived a relatively isolated and sheltered life because he would still be surrounded by a few people. His parents, so what did he learn off of them? And how did they affect his emotional state.

Biography; while this is probably the stronger section than the personality section, it still lacks detail. And doesn’t expand on information. Much like the other sheets and the critiques i have given them. This fleshes his personality a little bit more, but some of the sections should be moved into Personality to flesh it out and make it more robust.

For example;
Vulnerable, young, and naive to a fault, they filled his head with some rather unconventional thoughts.

What are unconventional thoughts? What was he taught? What did he learn? And not only that, but this is a double feature that could be expanded in his history and in his personality. I.e.; due to the unconventional thoughts of his parents he believes X. 

While you have a good concept, it lacks depth and substance to make the character robust, and in depth.

The skills are fine, they actually probably the most fleshed out of this character. 

And just as I have stated in every other sheet, the description of this ability is not clear, is not concise, it doesn’t say what it does, how does it, when it does, how he activates. I.e. go look at Riccardo’s sheet because I think every mage should look at his sheet on how to write powers for the mages.[/color]

[color=orange][u][b]Jun Sakuma[/b][/u]

I have no hard criticisms on this sheet either. It’s passable, you write clear, your power is clearly written and I can understand what it does and how it works, so good job. The only thing that I would give you is that I wish the personality was more fleshed out and given a little more in terms of it’s depth. It’s not bad right now, but you do also have the same issue of not explaining the how or for example; It doesn’t matter if you’re desperately poor or amazingly affluent, as long as you meet his basic criteria. 

Well, what is his basic criteria? Since everyone has different views on that. Or what does he consider honest and hardworking, since that means different things to other people? Beside that another solid good character.[/color]