They [i]weren’t[/i] in a long distance relationship, per say- they lived in the same house and Brendon was home much more often than someone would be if they truly lived oceans apart, but he was still away for a substantial amount of time and on that first tour Brendon went on without Ryan, the intense anxiety he hadn’t suffered from since the very beginning of their career had taken hold of him for a few weeks to the point where he almost had something like a nervous breakdown and came the closest he’d ever been to cancelling a whole tour just because he needed Ryan that much. He hadn’t realised how much Ryan had helped him just standing their off to his right playing guitar- he’d taken his husband for granted on the road and he wanted to change that, texting Ryan every free second and forcing him to FaceTime so Brendon could tell him that he loved him. At first he was stubborn, refusing to admit to Ryan that he was struggling by himself because he was proud to a fault, but eventually he confessed about his increasingly difficult to manage stage fright and Ryan pretty much instantly booked a ticket to the city he happened to be in at the time and accompanied him for the rest of the tour. When he arrived at the airport Brendon barely had time to speak before Ryan pulled him into a fond embrace, one that said everything that needed to be said without words. 

Brendon needed him, and Ryan needed Brendon. It wasn’t ideal being apart like this so much but they’d each grown individually, grown less codependent, perhaps, though they still didn’t [i]like[/i] it when they were apart. In that sense, they almost [i]pined,[/i] which was ridiculous, because they were married. They were going to spend the rest of their lives together- though, looking at Brendon’s workload, it was now more like forty to fifty percent of their lives that were spent together. It sucked, but they had to try and find some kind of work-life balance. If Ryan was more active it would be even more difficult which was even more of a dilemma because though Brendon wanted Ryan to be around all the time when he was home, he also wanted him to get back into creating because when he didn’t he just turned into some kind of recluse and Brendon had to coax him out of his shell so he was doing something actually productive with his time. Brendon’s downfall, though, was having little patience- so he often gave up and left Ryan alone to his own devices, to try and use up his creative juices writing little love letters on sticky notes (which was adorable, but Brendon would prefer a love song.

As it happened, Ryan’s passion for creating was reignited, but not by Brendon- by Z. So maybe Brendon was a little salty about that, but he adored Z, and there’s nobody else (apart from himself) that he’d approve of to be around Ryan. Z was Ryan’s best friend second only to Brendon, and he encouraged that, he did, but Brendon was fickle in nature, dramatic, petty and dramatic over the littlest things, and sometimes he had to crush a flare-up of jealousy when he saw Ryan and Z just strumming on guitars in the living room while he couldn’t join them, he had to go somewhere for an interview or something when he’d much rather play and write music with his husband like they used to do so often. Now, they barely found time. Brendon missed him and he was right there because they’d kind of lost that medium to bond- their relationship had by no means weakened, it was just being tested, and so far it was standing well- brendon just secretly wanted things back to normal and almost regretted convincing Ryan to leave the band in the first place. He loved his new band members, but- it would never be the same without the love of his life by his side in a new city every night.

There was something so romantic about it and Brendon sometimes considered dragging Ryan on a reunion tour, per say, with the original lineup, but there were a couple of problems with that. First of all, Brendon knew he’d get attached to the nostalgia again and it would be even more difficult to go on tour without Ryan following the reunion, and second of all, that just wasn’t Ryan’s scene anymore. He didn’t want to pressure his husband into situations where he suffered from obvious anxiety- all he wanted was for Ryan to be happy, but the tricky thing was that they were both happiest when they were together. It was just all so difficult to navigate for the two of them, it was still all uncharted territory and they just had to learn as they went along. In the coming years, they both knew things would change- but there was no uncertainty about how they felt about eachother. That would always remain the same and this wa something they’d never doubted. Brendon just had a habit of blowing things out of the water, just as he was doing now, walking out into the living room and allowing his mood to instantly drop when he realised Ryan had been spending time they could’ve spent together with Z, whom he was with all the time when Brendon wasn’t home.

It was enough to set a sleepy, barely awake Brendon off. Most things were. He stared Ryan down as he leaned over the back of the couch, clearly beckoning him closer, and just stayed put, eyes flickering around dangerously, still trying to blink himself awake. Then Z was speaking and he zeroed in on her, attentive. [i]Surprise visit![/i] Fair enough, Z was spontaneous, but- [i]And actually, I was just leaving.[/i] Oh, thank god. Brendon could sulk at Ryan in peace. [i]I have to uh... Let you two settle this silent battle.[/i] Brendon scoffed as he turned around. She was observant, and she knew them, he’d give her that. He almost [i]heard[/i] Ryan’s eyeroll and felt like turning around and snapping at him but instead he stalked off (more like stumbled- remember, half-awake) into the kitchen, cooling off before he said something dumb. If Ryan knew what was good for him, he would leave him alone- but also, if Ryan left him alone, Brendon would wind himself up even more. It wasn’t a fun situation for Ryan, who just wanted his poor husband to get some more sleep.

He heard Ryan stand up almost instantly and then heard Z leave as he moved around the counter island to the coffee machine, messing with it with his poorly coordinated, tired movements, trying to remember how it, like, functioned. [i]I made some, saved it for you, babe.[/i] Huh. Suddenly Brendon didn’t want any.[b]”I’m good, actually.”[/b] He dropped his hands down by his sides and stepped away from the coffee machine, instead peering at the fruit bowl and deciding whether anything looked appetising. He’d hoped that they’d wake up and have breakfast together, but- [i]I thought you should get some sleep, I know you never do when you’re busy, y’know...[/i] He turned and stared Ryan down across the counter island. [b]”You know what I get even less of? Time with my husband,”[/b] He mumbled, picking at the sleeve of his (Ryan’s) sweatshirt and looking down at it like it was the most interesting thing in the world. It smelled like Ryan. He felt like taking it off out of spite, but. [b]”It’d be nice to prioritise that once in a while.”[/b] 

[i]But you’re awake now, and.[/i] No thanks to you. [i]I missed you. So hey.[/i] Now under the impression that Ryan was now just trying to suck up to him, Brendon snuffed, displeased, and lifted his hand to push his hair back out of his eyes, the wide sleeve falling and bunching at his elbow before he dropped his arm back down to his side. As this happened, Ryan reached out to chance a hold on him and Brendon resisted stubbornly, though there was no practical reason why. He was just- being Brendon. Defiant. He stepped away and turned his back on Ryan again, pressing his hips against the counter to lean forward and pick up an apple from the fruit bowl, turning it over in his hands as if it was the most fascinating thing he’d ever seen. [b]”If you missed me, you would’ve woken me up.”[/b]