[quote=@Cyclone]
[@LokiLEo789] for Magdalene
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The sheet got 3 votes for rejection. Let's go from the ground up.

My expectation was that since you're trying to drop Anzillu (leaving the rest of us to work around his absence from planned arcs and then to figure out what to do with him) in favor of a new character, this new character will be fantastic. Very interesting, very engaging, something that will take a more active role than Anzillu and go beyond merely being a substitute or a replacement, but actually an upgrade of sorts. Something more refined, a new iteration that will be better for both you as a writer and the RP as a whole. Naturally this means your sheet is going to be under a lot of scrutiny.

I'll start from the bottom up and explain why it doesn't meet my criteria.

You're missing an important word. Somewhat less importantly, but still worth noting, is that we saw a few typos and other errors. Beyond that, it feels like there's just some stuff that's missing. I'm not like one of those teachers that grades your paper based on the its length and encourages pointless drivel for the sake of word count, but I would like to see something about the demigod's origins/parentage, mannerisms, grander ambitions and goals (I will go into this shortly), quirks, and overall place in the world.

I think that Muttonhawk alluded to you on the OOC that the sheet would be better if Magdalene "had a goal that couldn't be completed in 10 minutes" or something like that. You give us the lofty and vague idea of a goal, "A collecter of such secrets...and from this does she gain the utmost pleasure." So she wants to learn secrets, and this is an endlessly renewable goal that could in theory go on for the entire length of the RP if she doesn't grow out of it or decide to do other things (and you've given us no indication of an intent to pursue such character development). The issue is that you might as well just make a god that likes killing people. It sounds neat to have a god that wrests secrets away from people or a god that runs around massacring things, but quickly the readers and the writers alike are bound to grow bored of such one-dimensional things.

What would you actually [i]do[/i] with a secrets portfolio? With all the secrets that Magdalene collects? What sort of story can you tell with such a character that would be better and more engaging than what you sought out to tell with Anzillu? What would Magdalene's existence add to Divinus? Right now the vibe that we get is that she's got no past or future apart from messing with people for gits and shiggles.

You did some things well. BBeast liked that the appearance (visage of an old hag, as he put it) in such a way that itself conveys aspects of her persona. You've certainly got a thematic framework than could work if you add to it and address those complaints above me, but I'd caution you to be wary of falling too deeply into a trope. It's good to have a unique spin on the "Creepy old witch" stereotype.

Well there you have it Loki, rejected for now. No hard feelings from us, we just want to see more out of you before we give the A-okay.
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First I'd like to thank you, [@Cyclone], [@BBeast] and [@Muttonhawk] for taking the time to thoroughly review my sheet. I had a lot of ideas for Magdalene on the thematic end of things, but when it came to things like portfolio or grand ambition I fell short. I didn't build her with those in mind as much as I think unknowingly sort of built her to be a Anz sub. I had a few idea in terms of arcs she would pursue but in the end they fall rather flat under the same scrutiny. I think imma take another crack at her character, but nothing comes to mind when I consider secrets based portfolio actions and the like.