Hidden 5 yrs ago 5 yrs ago Post by mattmanganon
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mattmanganon Your friendly neighbourhood tyranical dicator

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Hidden 5 yrs ago Post by Ellri
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Ellri Lord of Eat / Relic

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here are the rules: https://www.roleplayerguild.com/posts/4889512.
Your character submission does not currently follow them, so we recommend that you read up on them, as the character cannot be approved as it currently looks.

Additionally, you need to fill out the flaws section.

When you've fixed those things and feel ready to have your sheet reviewed, you can edit the topic title to be [pending].
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Hidden 5 yrs ago Post by mattmanganon
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@Ellri Alright, i actually finally got around to doing the edits.
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Ellri Lord of Eat / Relic

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@mattmanganon

We apologize for the review taking so long. Due to a sudden influx of many many sheets, your sheet got stuck deep down in the pile instead of being reviewed shortly after you edited it from how it was during the first attempt. Your sheet has been looked at and discussed internally in the GM group as part of the review.

As it stands right now, it cannot be approved. It has extreme strengths in several fields, few flaws that aren’t outright negated and is not appropriately tied to the Jedi or Sith Orders.

In addition, a lot of the elements making up the character appear to be slapped together out of convenience, rather than being parts of a single whole. It feels less like a single character than several partial characters stuck together out of desire for a variety of elements.

We suggest that you attempt to build a new character from scratch and that you build it around a single concept that you clear with the GMs first, so that you know it is one that is likely to be accepted.

If you make a Force user, we would ask you to also include a short list at the top of the relevant section with the known techniques and his/her skill level with them, as proscribed by the Guide to the Force.
Hidden 5 yrs ago 5 yrs ago Post by mattmanganon
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@Ellri I just want to start this by saying, yes, I accept that this character is a bust and I doubt that there is anything that I can say or do that will get him accepted, but I would like some answers on what you mean by several of the critiques:

"He is not appropriately tied to the Jedi or Sith Orders." He is a Jedi... he's clearly a Jedi, he is constantly referred to as a Jedi, he has trained a large number of Jedi, I dont understand this critique at all.

"In addition, a lot of the elements making up the character appear to be slapped together out of convenience, rather than being parts of a single whole. It feels less like a single character than several partial characters stuck together out of desire for a variety of elements." Can I ask what the hell this is supposed to mean? Like, I'm all one for criticism, I can take someone telling me my character is bad and I should feel bad and to be honest, I understand the core of what this means and I assume you mean "Trying to make a character do too many things to try and cover all of the bases at once." (I'll admit to being guilty of doing this with other characters) but how the hell does it apply to Korrsh? "He is a Hutt Jedi who keeps skirting around the law and tiptoing on the edge of breaking it, because he understands that this is what you have to do to maintain order in this chaotic world and because of this, they wont give him the rank of Master as he is seen as too much of a liability, much to his chagrin." That is the core of character. Are you referring to the fact that he has Bounty Hunter allies that he works with? Does he come across as too much of "This guy is trying to make a Hutt Crimelord and a Jedi at the same time, pick one and stick to it?"

These two things stick out like a sore thumb. Im not trying to be difficult, but I am always striving to improve my writing techniques and I cant take criticism to heart and embrace it, if I dont understand the critisism. Can you explain in a little more detail what you dont like so I can avoid it with my next character? Like, your saying "It feels like your trying to make multiple characters in one" could you tell me what you think the other characters are and what you might suggest taking out to improve that?

All I'm asking for is a little more feedback, please.
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Ellri Lord of Eat / Relic

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@mattmanganon
I just want to start this by saying, yes, I accept that this character is a bust and I doubt that there is anything that I can say or do that will get him accepted, but I would like some answers on what you mean by several of the critiques:

We do not mind providing clarifications. Have no worry about that.




"He is not appropriately tied to the Jedi or Sith Orders."

He is a Jedi... he's clearly a Jedi, he is constantly referred to as a Jedi, he has trained a large number of Jedi, I don’t understand this critique at all.

For this we refer to the spoilers section of your OoC section.
*Korrsh has a number of back-alley treaties with the scoundrels and rogues of Coruscant. During one of his missions, he hands over just a little too much.
*This overextension of Korrsh's grip allows one of the gangs to go on the offensive against another, pushing into their territory. When Korrsh and his Apprentice go in to stop the fighting, his Apprentice is killed.
*Korrsh's involvement in the matter is found out and he is sentenced to Exile from the Jedi Order.
*Going underground, Korrsh hires an old bounty-hunter friend of his to help him fake his own death, before he returns to Nar Shaddaa.
*Arriving, he quickly uses his affinity with The Force to overpower and oust one of the local crime-lords, before inserting himself into the local power scene in his position
*He goes out looking for force sensitives and is able to soon find a few and recruit them into his fold.

An exiled Jedi starting to recruit force-sensitives to form a second order? That concept alone was enough for the Jedi GM to say no immediately.


"In addition, a lot of the elements making up the character appear to be slapped together out of convenience, rather than being parts of a single whole. It feels less like a single character than several partial characters stuck together out of desire for a variety of elements."
Can I ask what the hell this is supposed to mean? Like, I'm all one for criticism, I can take someone telling me my character is bad and I should feel bad and to be honest, I understand the core of what this means and I assume you mean "Trying to make a character do too many things to try and cover all of the bases at once." I'll admit to being guilty of doing this with other characters) but how the hell does it apply to Korrsh?

Throughout the sheet, you focus on the criminal ties and predilections.
In his Force techniques, you specify that the Force is his greatest strength, especially mind tricks. You also focus on his extreme interest in droids, telekinesis and trying to predict the future.
In his skills you focus on mathematics, problem-solving and diplomacy.
In the combat section you say he’s mastered a lightsaber form while stating he favors another form for telekinetic combat.
In the interests section, you specify he has no interests to speak of and that he was an archivist for twenty years.

Other than the point about crime, these points are all only mentioned in those sections, without being tied together in any manner. That is what we mean by disparate parts that do not make up a single whole.



"He is a Hutt Jedi who keeps skirting around the law and tiptoing on the edge of breaking it, because he understands that this is what you have to do to maintain order in this chaotic world and because of this, they wont give him the rank of Master as he is seen as too much of a liability, much to his chagrin."
That is the core of character. Are you referring to the fact that he has Bounty Hunter allies that he works with? Does he come across as too much of "This guy is trying to make a Hutt Crimelord and a Jedi at the same time, pick one and stick to it?"

The wide selection of companions, several of which belong to species not on the approved list, is but a minor element, but yes, his seemingly being built as both a typical hutt and as a Jedi do not exactly add up, as the Jedi Order would have made sure to quash criminal aspirations hard. Only when they were sure of his being first and foremost a Jedi would they let him link up with the hutts again. But it is more the previous section that causes him to feel like multiple characters in one.



These two things stick out like a sore thumb. Im not trying to be difficult, but I am always striving to improve my writing techniques and I cant take criticism to heart and embrace it, if I dont understand the critisism. Can you explain in a little more detail what you dont like so I can avoid it with my next character? Like, your saying"It feels like your trying to make multiple characters in one" could you tell me what you think the other characters are and what you might suggest taking out to improve that?
All I'm asking for is a little more feedback, please.

You’re not being difficult. You’re asking questions and seeking clarification. We like that.
The rest of that section is covered above.


Perhaps you can think of a few concepts you might want to explore, then we can look at them to see which are most likely to work? We have no doubt that you have it in you to make a quite decent-quality character.
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