This was not a simple contest to join. All the same, I have a bit to say. [@Crimson Raven] [hider=Ash and Tyrants] The story has potential, I’ll say that much. There weren’t a lot of hard grammatical errors. Things I noticed the most was a certain level of inconsistency within the story. [quote=Opening Paragraph]…The building had [b]burned to the ground[/b] not long ago, its ruins still smoldered. [b]The outer walls stood still, and much of the roof remained[/b] [/quote] The first sentence you describe the building being burnt to the ground. My mental image of this is a pile of charred wood and twisted metal beams. That’s followed by a comment that the building is mostly intact. There were also a few times where the same word was used over and over again. The greatest offender being here: [quote=Second Paragraph] The only illumination inside was the occasional [b]beam of red light that beamed[/b] through a hole in the roof or through a shattered window.[/quote] And here: [quote] The figure bent down, feeling with its dirty [b]ash[/b]-stained fingers until it found a [b]ash[/b]-filled divot in the cool metal. With its nails, it dug more [b]ash[/b] out of the hole. [/quote] It’s redundant. The beam could shine through the hole. It could illuminate, reveal, brighten, show, etc. By varying your words a bit, you’ll create more interesting writing. If you’re having trouble, look at a thesaurus. But be careful not to rely too heavily on those. The writing wasn’t without its merits. I did like how the building was burned in such a way that it resembled a skull, and what problems you did have didn’t persist into the prince’s journal. Moving away from the grammar and into the prose, I do like framed stories. That is to say a story inside a story, like how we have this guy(?) reading the prince’s notes. You were able to show the world the prince left behind using this method. The negative would be that the story is devoid of life. There are some very detailed descriptions of a lock box sealed with magical runes, world building, every click and glowing light on that lock box, but less effort went into explaining the history of things. Great deeds are given a passing mention, wars are over with in a handful of sentences, and a king is slain by his son without a hint of emotional weight. Two sides and five factions are brought into the story to explain a very simple premise. I feel that the word budget was not spent as wisely as it could have been. Two-thousand words sounds like a lot, but you need to streamline your story by combining/removing surplus elements to give yourself room to make what remains more interesting. [/hider] [@Kalleth] [hider=blood on the rocks] I think this is your best story that I have read. Your word use is on point, and you have the ability to quickly make a vivid scene. I do wish you would double space your paragraphs though. Technically it’s not nessisary, but it makes things a lot easier to read. You also have some comma splices, which made for some disjointed senescence . [quote] The table had been set, but the food remained untouched, and it still gave off the gentle vapours of freshly cooked food. [/quote] Possible correction:The table had been set, but the food remained untouched. It still gave off the gentle vapours of freshly cooked food. [i]The remaining comma isn’t nessisary, but you could leave it in for style if you choose.[/i] [quote]The bedroom door, when I came to it, was open slightly.[/quote] Possible correction:When I arrived at the bedroom door, it was open slightly. [quote]It took longer than it might have, if we had had kindling, but there was none. [/quote] Possible correction:It would have gone faster if we had some kindling. The story was well told overall. It didn’t include a lot of characters or details that would have been excessive to the humble word limit of the contest. I would have liked to know a bit more about the situation before the blood started to spill. I would have also liked there to be a bit more as to why the girl decided killing herself was a better alternative than being rescued by a vampire monk. [/hider] [@gowia] [hider=The Inevitability of the Throne] I found the word usage in this one interesting. A lot of novice writers with huge vocabularies tend to focus on tagging as many adjectives onto a noun as they can to make their writing more interesting. But the real value in having a large vocabulary is being able to use different names for objects to keep the writing fresh. This is something you have a good handle on, Though you do end up alienating a portion of your reader base if you use too many words like that too frequently. but that does bring me onto your rampant adjective use. Look at this: [quote]Whispered conspiracy had dogged the dark halls of the palace for months, following the princess like a pestilence and trying her immensely. Turning from the broad cityscape that her grand balcony afforded, Lyra sucked in a sharp breath. Even here, in the sanctity of her room, she felt the long shadows of furniture reach out and welcome her like an old friend. She mentally recoiled.[/quote] Compared to: Conspiracies had dogged the halls of the palace for months. It followed the princess like a disease, trying her immensely. Lyra Turned from the balcony and sharply inhaled. Even here, in the sanctity of her room, she felt the shadows reaching out to her. She mentally recoiled. You don’t have to slim down quite that far, though you could without hurting the writing. A good painter doesn’t give every single square inch of his/her paintings the same level of detail. They will usually leave background elements partially unfinished to draw your attention to the parts of the picture that matter. When everything stands out, nothing stands out. Try to limit using adjectives to important details. The story itself was conveyed well enough. I was a bit confused in the beginning because you introduce this conspiracy, and it’s never [i]quite[/i] explained in full. Given the nature of the contest, I would have liked to have heard more about the big dirty deed, as it had a pretty big impact on Lyra and her father. [/hider] [@PigeonOfAstora] [hider=Searching for Paradise] I find going over small entries like this hard, haha. There weren’t any notable grammatical errors, but I was thrown off by the spacing and lack of indent. I like to see both for clarity, but without either you can’t really tell where one paragraph ends and another begins. The story itself fit the theme of the contest. I don’t really have any fault with it aside from the fact that it was essentially the motive for every B-grade anime villain to ever roll out of Japan. The whole “using despair to create hope” is something of a dead horse to those who watch too much anime. [/hider] [@Calle] [hider=Savior of Ostagon] This was pretty easy to read from start to finish. There were no errors that jumped out at me. The only thing I saw that could be considered an error was how everything was written. It was all passive and lacked any sense of life. I’ll make my own examples to help describe what I’m talking about. [i] Bob wore blue pants and a blue shirt with four pockets. He had a curly moustache and a blue hat with a black brim. The upper right pocket contained a stop watch. His hair was black, but some of it was white. Bob is almost seven feet tall and usually dirty. Bob is strong and believes in treating people fairly. He likes to talk to people at his job, and always wears glasses. [/i] I’ve given you a lot of information about bob, but most of it isn’t very interesting. It’s hard to take all the pieces I’ve handed you and make a character out of it all. Let me try again with an active voice. [i]Bob was a train conductor, and he loved his job. The giant could usually be seen with his head and arm sticking out of the cab of the train, yelling “howdy!” to everyone he drove past. The black smoke billowing out of the train covered his hair and glasses in soot. Some people joked that he was a coal miner, as his mustache often looked like a soot streak going under his nose. [/i] What makes the second description of Bob more interesting is that I’m not just listing features about bob. I’m describing bob in action. It’s a lot more interesting to see why bob is dirty instead of hearing that he’s dirty. I didn’t even need to use more words. I’m also leaving some details up to the reader’s imagination. Bob’s exact height isn’t really important to know about Bob. The story itself is something I don’t really have anything negative to say about. The idea of a peace keeper who is the upholder of the law but not the peace is exactly the type of story I was hoping to read. I would have appropriated something with a more active voice though. Some display of character, anything. [/hider] [@NorthernKraken] [hider=PSA] I did like that this piece delt with an every day situation instead of pure fantasy. Was refreshing in that regard. Moving on to how the story was written. There were a few comma splices, but we’ll just look at this paragraph to see an example. [quote]Instead, the undertaker makes them all line up like school children outside the pokey little crematorium before they’re allowed in, and once everyone is seated, it is made abundantly clear that they are on a tight schedule, and that there is no time whatsoever for any ‘funny business’.[/quote] This is very difficult to read with a single breath. While a big part of it is the excessive amount of adjectives and colorful wording, it’s also a run-on sentence. [quote]Instead, the undertaker makes them all line up like school children outside the pokey little crematorium before they’re allowed in. Once everyone is seated, it is made abundantly clear that they are on a tight schedule, and that there is no time whatsoever for any ‘funny business’.[/quote] All I did was remove the “and” and replaced the comma it sat next to with a period. It could be made better by changing everything to past tense (Once everyone is seated VS once everyone [i]was[/i] seated) As I’ve said previously, I do have a soft spot for girls turning into absolutely insufferable individuals. I would have liked for there to have been more happening in the present however. The interesting parts of the story happened largely in Jenny’s thoughts, which were written entirely in a passive voice. I would have also maybe liked to have seen moreof Jenny herself. I get that her father’s death upset her, but there isn’t enough there to see the extent of the damage this loss had on her. [/hider] [@MsMorningstar] [hider=The Woman in Red] I don’t have a lot of things to say about the grammar. It did its job, aside from some of your word choices that I don’t feel are worth going over. Your story had a strong start. I really liked the opening with the reverse serial killer. Though it lost momentum as it powered towards its conclusion. It felt very by the numbers, with the killer’s husband being a cop, and the maid shrieking like some classic horror movie damsel. There was also very little character development. I’m kind of interested in how our woman in red came to become what she was. [/hider] [@Frizan] [hider=My vote] What I was hoping to see during this contest was the story of men and woman turn. I wanted to see that moment when a hero becomes a villain. Unfortunately, most of the stories presented didn’t show that transformation, instead choosing to show a villain with heroic intentions, or a hero blind to the fact that he was taking his ideals too far. The transformation had happened outside the scope of the story. Still, I found an entry to vote on. [hider=Goes to] Kallehth’s entry, Blood on the rocks. I had also considered voting for “Ostagon” or “Searching for Paradise,” But I really do feel like this is the best thing he brought to the contest thus far. They earned my vote. [/hider] [/hider]