[quote=@Simple Unicycle]
<Snipped quote by Retired>

Give my posts the thrashing of a lifetime right here in the OOC, chief.
[/quote]

Now, I want to stress that this isn't meant in any malicious way. And I am absolutely not calling you a bad writer. I want to make sure you know that. That being said, honestly... I didn't like this post. Everything felt off to me. 

The dialogue didn't feel natural to me. It felt like you were forcing it. I didn't get a sense that you were letting the characters speak for themselves, which, ideally, is what you want when writing. The taunting, especially, felt forced to me.

I don't think you gave the setting, nor Eric's introspection, proper time or care. Much like commentary I gave someone else today, things felt far too rushed. There was no real build-up, no development. It was just "bam bam bam" this happened, then that happened, etc. Which, depending on the nature and content of a post, could absolutely work. But, for this, I don't feel that it did. I really took me out of the narrative.

Especially the transition from the phone call to the sudden attack. I was left feeling "really, this is happening?" instead of "oh, shit, this is happening." If you catch my drift. 

There were no real descriptions here. Now, I'm not saying you want to go all Tolkien and spend five pages describing the surrounding hills, but even some minimalist descriptors of things as they're introduced would be appreciated. You don't need to do this for everything, as that's an overcorrection, but, for instance, I would have liked to read about Eric's room a bit before it's destruction purely so that way I could better see the events unfurling. Or brief comments on his weaponry's appearance and significance - things that will be with us for the entirety of your story, and we will be seeing a lot of. Just painting a picture for your audience so they can see the scene in their mind's eye is incredibly helpful when laying out a post. 

The combat aspects were slightly awkward, though mostly for their redundancy. 

And, mainly, there was practically no exposition on things that, I think at least, are central to your narrative. Like, you introduce the audience to the term 'hunter' and, while certainly much of that is obvious, you don't provide any information on what exactly it means to be someone who hunts down supernatural beings. There's no information on why people know to call Eric about a potential job nor the presence of the password. Yes, conclusions can be drawn, and, yes, subtext is a thing, but it's also important for you to give some real exposition here and there. I'm not saying provide it all at once, certainly, save things to be explored later, but you can give bits and pieces as you go along. I feel that doing this will dramatically improve your writing.

I do have to give you some credit for taking on a first-person perspective. That's definitely not easy, especially in these games, and while I'm not sure how it'll pan out, I will respect the courage that takes as it does make certain things, such as exposition, slightly more difficult to incorporate in a fluid manner.

I also am interested in seeing how you explore and build out the world of the supernatural here. Which, again, is why exposition is really helpful. Blade is an interesting character, and there is so much that the supernatural underworld has to offer. I look forward to seeing how you flesh it out moving forward.