[@Simple Unicycle] 

Continuing from where I left off on reviewing your posts. I decided to read through everything linked in your post catalog all at once so I could provide better feedback without constantly discussing things in the past as I went. And also because I figure that many of the things I said to you regarding the first post may hold true for several more of these, and I don't want to just rehash the same points to you over and over again. So, I'll only mention those things briefly to say whether I saw them improve or stay the same naturally over time, and the rest of this will focus on the narrative itself. Or, that's the goal as I start, at least, as I'll be writing these out in real time as I go.

[h3][u]Second Post:[/u] [/h3]
I liked the start. The exposition as we followed Jeremy. There were a handful of poor diction choices - a lot of repetition - and some awkward syntax here and there, but mostly it was alright. I think, for me, your third-person narrative is much better than your first. Which is alright, the only way to improve is to keep doing it. But seeing the difference in how you write third-person compared to first makes a considerable difference in how I feel about your writing. For instance, I think the way you do combat from a first-person perspective leaves things chaotic, and not in a way that feels like it's on purpose. 

That being said, I enjoy that you're going the Buffy route with the vampires dusting. And the introduction of Frank leaves me interested. 
[sub](Hoping you don't pull a Gowi and make Frank Drake related to Tim Drake.)[/sub]

[h3][u]Fourth Post:[/u] [/h3]
Hm. After reading this post, I'll adjust my previous comments. I think your first-person with Deacon, while still not quite the same as your third-person writing, was better than your Blade perspective. Part of this is definitely because you slowed things down and gave the character introspection. Deacon felt more like a character to me, whereas with Blade he's more of a dispensary for one-liners. Which, personally, I don't find makes for the best read without there being more to it. 

Also, speaking of Deacon, I liked that you make him cold and calculating. Cliche for a villain, sure, but there's a reason it is cliche. It works, and I enjoy reading a manipulative bad guy who actually uses his mind as a weapon. For the most part, aside from more repetition, I enjoyed this portion of the post.

[h3][u]Fifth Post:[/u] [/h3]
Alright, so I was initially disappointed that immediately after introducing Deacon as someone who is calm and contemplative, you throw him and Eric into battle. No buildup. And, while I still would have liked to see things fleshed out more before reaching the climax, I'm glad to see that you ended it the way you did. Also, your fight scenes here were much better done than previously, I feel. So much less chaotic. And the lack of constant one-liners every other line helped me enjoy the scene, personally. 

I will say, though, that you really shouldn't do the whole "*cough cough*" thing mid-dialogue like that. Or at all when writing a story. Just cut the dialogue with actual words telling us that he's coughing, hacking up blood, gasping, etc. Not to sound rude, but the former comes off as amateurish. The asterisks thing only really works in casual, informal chat settings. 

[h3][u]Sixth post:[/u] [/h3]
Your first-person writing definitely improves when you slow things down and give time and space for exposition. I think adding in some introspection from Eric would also help things feel more natural and less chaotic. 

[h3][u]Seventh Post:[/u] [/h3]
All I can really think reading this post is that I wish there were more exposition and introspective moments. As an audience member to the narrative you're weaving, I want to feel like I'm in the story. I want to feel like these are real people, a real setting, real history to the world. Not saying you need to lore dump or go George R.R. Martin on us by any means, but just adding in some of these things here and there where they naturally fit can help people become more immersed in your story, as well as eager to read more.

[h3][u]Eighth Post:[/u] [/h3]
I appreciate that you're weaving in the past narrative as a way to mirror the present. To me, I'm still not connecting with Eric as a character. I'm not finding any substance to him yet, personally. But I am interested in reading more about Deacon. So, I'm looking forward to seeing how that develops.

Also, I liked the ending of this post. That was nicely done.
[hr]
All in all, for me, if you slowed things down just a little so things felt more naturally developed, and utilized some exposition and introspective inner monologuing more, I think your posts would benefit. As well as reading through your posts several times, out loud, to catch the awkward moments of repetition that are throughout your writing. 

I'm enjoying the story you're telling more now than when it began. I don't think your opening post did justice to your capabilities at all. I hope to see more character development from Eric, and I am interested to see where you take Deacon moving forward. His story, both past and present, has my attention.