Of course he didn’t want to break up with Ryan- he was in love with him, for God’s sake, and the thought of being without him was terrifying- but he was stubborn and volatile and so unused to people being concerned about his wellbeing that he mistook it for criticism and an attempt to control him. Deep down he knew that Ryan was generally just concerned about his health and cared about him deeply enough that he didn’t want Brendon to harm himself- but for the most part Brendon was adamant that he was being manipulative and hypocritical and defensive enough that he compared his adoring lover to his emotionally abusive ex. It was frankly ridiculous but in the moment, it made all the sense in the world to Brendon. So, though he felt his throat close and his breaths shorten when Ryan handed over the apartment key and things really seemed final, he was completely set on not apologising or compromising and so it seemed this really was the end of the dynamic duo they had formed. Over his goddamn drinking habits, he thought scornfully, why did Ryan have to make such a big deal over something Brendon had been doing for so long.

That said he was still in denial, hoping to god Ryan was bluffing and was moments away from sheepishly backing down. He asked, waveringly, if this was real, were they over, and could barely meet Ryan’s eyes. [i]I- I don’t want to talk to you when you’re treating me like shit.[/i]. Brendon perked up instantly in protest, like a puppy about to whine, his mouth forming a shallow pout as his eyebrows drew together in frustration. How was he the one treating Ryan like shit, here? This was Ryan’s fault for being such an uptight bastard. He was going to interrupt but Ryan beat him to it. [i]So think about what[/i] you [i]want between us.[/i] As was usual for them, Brendon’s mind went to inappropriate and humorous places despite the seriousness of the situation, which showed that it still hadn’t sunk in that Ryan was serious. He was going to say something like, ‘preferably less space and no clothes’, but even Brendon was wise enough to know when to shut up.

[b]”I don’t understand,”[/b] He murmured instead, distantly, looking crestfallen because- he wanted [i]Ryan,[/i] what else, Ryan had just ruined it for him, that’s all. [b]”I don’t want [i]this.[/i]”[/b] A pause, Brendon swallowed and steeled his expression. [b]”But you haven’t really given us a chance, here.”[/b] [i]I’m not making things easy for you anymore, I’m done with that.[/i] A scowl had formed from the initial stoniness of his expression and Brendon was going to snap, then, snarl that Ryan had no right to say it was always Ryan making sacrifices, making things easy, doing the hard work, because Brendon had changed and given up a lot in order to keep Ryan by his side and that was indisputable, in his opinion. And here Ryan was, leaving the trouble between them in Brendon’s name. Still, he panicked. Nothing had ever been entirely his responsibility to deal with and Brendon wasn’t confident of his ability to win Ryan back if worst came to worst and they really were no longer together.

A universe where they weren’t in a relationship didn’t make sense and Brendon would do anything to stop that from happening. In theory. In practise, he didn’t even recognise what he had done so badly wrong that had caused Ryan to suggest fully leaving the apartment and then their relationship- especially since only this morning they had been the perfect image of love, curled in eachother’s arms, comfortable and basking in a sense of warm belonging, belonging to someone, to something. And if he did recognise it, he was way too stubborn and proud to admit his catastrophic mistake. A million thoughts rushed through his head and solutions raced through his mind but he simply settled on a stern, quiet, sad, ‘get out’. He was holding onto the piles of paperwork and feeling about two inches tall, watching Ryan walk towards the door and following him at a distance, bottom lip trapped so hard between his teeth that he had drawn blood and tasted iron.  

[i]Bren, I’m serious. If you don’t fix this, I’m done. Just think it through.[/i] He stopped when Ryan did, gaze flicking from Ryan to the door behind him that, when he walked through it, would signal the end of their relationship, he supposed. He [i]was[/i] thinking it through and every bit of common sense he had was screaming fix it, apologise, you fucked up- but it was battling between the pure stubborn anger dominating his person. The victor of the two warring sides emerged as Ryan’s hand touched the door handle, when Brendon hoarsely and, to his own surprise, burst out with, [b]”Wait,”[/b] and then fell into silence. Oh, fucking hell. He didn’t even know what he planned to say. Brendon looked down at his feet and swallowed. [b]”I love you,”[/b] He said, softly, but very unsure because his voice cracked midway through. [b]”Please- don’t.”[/b]