I’m sorry. 

I’m sorry. 

I’m sorry. 

I know that’s something people want me to stop saying, but I can’t. 

“It’s hot outside.” I’m sorry. 

“My friend hasn’t messaged me back.” I’m sorry. 

I’m trying. [i]Goddamit, am I fucking [b]trying.[/b][/i] 

Trying to be a better daughter. Trying to be a better sister. Trying to be a better friend. Trying to be a better girlfriend. Trying to be a better person in general. But it’s so freaking [i]hard.[/i] Most people would tell me that I’m fine the way that I am. That I don’t need to improve. That I’m to kind. That I work hard enough at everything else in life as it is. That I’m selfless. That I need to make time for myself. They’re wrong. 

People get mad because I disappear for days on end. I don’t mean to, I swear it. I read the messages, but I forget to respond. I want to go out and do things, but I don’t have the energy. I want to try new things, but I lack the courage. People talk about having the weight of the world on their shoulders. I do not. But I have this feeling. This feeling where it’s getting hard to breathe. Where every decision that I make feels wrong. Where getting out of bed hurts. Where the only reaction that I have to anything is to cry. Not because I’m weak, but because everything has just gotten to be [i]to much.[/i] 

The sun - to much. Peoples voices around me - to much. Birds chirping - to much. Eating - to much. Anger - to much. Sadness - to much. Happiness - to much. 

Happy has gotten to the point where it [i]hurts.[/i] What the hell is wrong with me? Happy is supposed to make me feel [i]happy.[/i] Happy isn’t supposed to make me feel dreadful. Happy isn’t supposed to be something that I don’t feel like I don’t deserve. 

I’m trying. I swear that I’m trying. Trying to be better for you. Trying to be better for everyone. 

I know this is the same, worn out, broken down shit that I’ve repeated to you for ages. But I just [i]need[/i] you [i][b]to understand.[/b][/i] Understand that when I yell it’s because that I’m [i]past[/i] my breaking point. Understand that when I cry it’s because I’ve failed again. Understand that when I’m paying more attention to my phone than the people around me it’s because everything is suddenly to loud. Understand that everything in life just hurts for me anymore. Understand that I don’t want to be this way. Understand that I’m trying to be better. Understand that I am trying to do everything you ask and more. Understand that I play the role of twenty different people on a daily basis in order to make everyone happy. Understand that it feels like I’m drowning. Understand that I can’t breathe anymore. Understand that being at home, locked in the dark, is more comforting than being out with friends. Understand that this isn’t just sad anymore. Understand that this is numb. Understand that I am barely hanging on. Understand that the alcohol isn’t just a new way to relax. Understand that it’s a way to forget. Understand that the marks on my wrist aren’t punishment. Understand that they are a way to feel. Understand that when I ask you for attention, I’m not trying to bother you. Understand that sometimes I just really need to feel you next to me. Understand that when I’m cold, I don’t mean to be. 

For the love of God, [i]please just understand.[/i]