[@Lord Wraith] as requested. I will not be reviewing any of the crisis bits.


[hider=Taking down the boss man.]
[h3][u]Issue One:[/u][/h3]
Oh, boy. You saw everyone else doing colored dialogue and decided to outdo them by making [i]everything[/i] colored. I'll keep you updated later in the review if this is annoying to me or not lol. Bruce's text being dull and muted like the rest of the text may get to me after awhile.

Warren's a shark. I see what you did there. Punny.

You did okay when referencing White and Tally Man. You gave enough context on White for me as a reader to understand, and Tallyman, judging from the Stork's comments, is meant to be steeped in mysterious lore. But then you reference Bruce and give no detail, even fleeting, into who or what he is. Yes, of course, everyone in the real world knows who Bruce Wayne is, and we in the game know you've made him older and the former Bat. But you shouldn't rely on your audience's outside knowledge to tell your story. 

When introducing new characters and important concepts that will play a recurring role you should provide context. Treat them just as you would if these were original characters and settings in one of your Mavericks games, for instance. Of course, this doesn't need to happen if you're trying to keep your audience in the dark or if the narrator is unaware of this information. Nor for minor things that'll only show up once. But, for Bruce specifically, just a quick, expository note as to who this man is in Terry's ear would have been nice. Might seem silly, but I think this is a trap many of us fandom RPers fall into, and I personally think it makes a real difference.

Maybe you do this in the next post or two when we properly meet Bruce, though. 

I notice you have two habits in your exposition. First, you tend to make your sentences into long stretches like this that, while technically correct, can quickly become monotonous and a drag to get through if that's all you ever do. I use these longer sentences myself, so I'm not saying avoid them completely. But try to vary things up. Instead of having multiple of these sentences back-to-back, some entirely making up paragraphs all on their own, break up the monotony by injecting shorter sentences in. It makes it easier to read. It helps with the flow. And, overall, it tends to be more enjoyable for your audience. 

Second, you favor the word "as" a lot. When you describe events and actions happening simultaneously, you almost always resort without fail to that word. Which, again, is absolutely fine. But when it's [i]all[/i] you use over and over, especially in conjunction with the stretched-out sentences, it becomes very noticeable. It stands out and can disrupt the flow. Try to employ other diction or restructure your sentences every so often so that these instances of "as" are separated. 

Okay opening post, though. We get a glimpse of Bruce's gruff mentorship and get a tease for the vast Gotham underworld we're sure to be exposed to. Serves to capture some interest. I would have just liked a little more exposition here as it is our introduction to the character and story. 

[h3][u]Issue Two:[/u][/h3]
Yeah. I've decided I'm not a fan of Bruce's dialogue color. It's too dim when the regular text is also grey.

As you know, since we had this conversation... five years ago? Commas before names, Nate. Or before titles and monikers, Mr. GM. Always put the comma there, Wraith. Whenever you address someone directly, you silly Canadian. < - See all those totally subtle examples for guidance. You do it sometimes, but others you forget. 

As a general rule, though there are always exceptions, when you have multiple instances of exposition breaking up dialogue, separate the second instance and the following dialogue into a new line. It's cleaner and flows better.

While I liked the exchange between the elder and younger Bats, this post was short and without any real substance. Of course, there's nothing wrong with shorter posts, and you did use it to establish character dynamics, there's more I feel you could and should have done here. This post by its very nature was practically begging for more exposition into Bruce, his role as mentor, their history together, as well as introspection from Terry. I also would have liked to see a line or two about the False Face Society since you've now referenced them twice and they seem to be an established entity known to both men. But, primarily, I feel this post was a missed opportunity for key introspection. 

[h3][u]Issue Three:[/u][/h3]
You know the routine by now. Something something lots of typos and poor diction/syntax choices something something proofread your posts out loud. 

Interesting use of Carrie. Wondering if she'll play a more pivotal role in the time to come. I'd hazard a guess we'll see her in a role more akin to the comics later on.

Shared secret between Terry and Max? I assume you're going the show route and having her be aware of his costumed identity. But you provide absolutely no context for that here, and, in fact, if I wasn't aware of her role as a confidant in the show, I would be very confused and think this line was out-of-place or I had missed something. Definitely should have conveyed that here. Another example where introspection would have been useful. So far we haven't really gotten any, so I'm hoping that changes in the posts to come.

[h3][u]Issue Four:[/u][/h3]
Not using exposition to explain these new characters here works due to the nature of this post. 

Unless the guy was wearing two, you had his wolf mask removed twice. 

Chelsea Cunningham. Hm. Wonder if you're having her still be a friend of Terry's, which will make this more interesting when he finds out.

Good set up for Mad Hatter overall. 

[h3][u]Issue Five:[/u][/h3]
[quote]“Your ass is definitely mine tonight, McGinnis.”[/quote]
And people were saying you hadn't done a sex scene yet. 

Yes. He is friends with Chelsea. I'm so smart. 

You missed some color text for Nelson.

Man. When not posting anything to social media in a few hours results in people thinking the worst, you know you have an addiction. Tsk tsk, Chelsea. 

[h3][u]Issue Six:[/u][/h3]
While you include more exposition in this post than others, you don't give any where I feel it's needed. The Batmobile is referenced and suggested to be flying, but we are given no information on that, just left to our assumptions. Is there significance in it being Gage and Ramirez who ruled it a suicide, are we to assume they're dirty? Or is it purely because of the suicide? 

Likewise, we're not getting any introspection from Terry on his friend's disappearance in the face of her father being found dead. Given these events, we should be getting a glimpse into his thought process. Without that, considering the circumstances, I'm left just feeling like Terry is hollow and emotionless. Introspective moments help us to relate to and understand characters. Without that, it's hard to connect and they can feel like nothing more than generic stock. I want to feel like these are real people experiencing real events. This should be a deeply concerning moment but I'm not getting that due to Terry's seeming nonchalance. 

A couple of mistakes here and there that seem to be from past iterations and edits. Again, proofreading will help catch these.

Hm. I find it odd that Tetch let his tech remain as evidence for the cops, and, even more, get destroyed. Unless, of course, he wanted Batman to follow the lead to him.

[h3][u]Issue Seven:[/u][/h3]
Some redundant diction here. It's been present in other posts, but it's more noticeable here as it's present immediately in the first few sentences. And there are four or five other instances throughout this post that are fairly easy to spot. 

Here we go. The first half of this post we finally get some exposition regarding events, people, etc. More than just in passing, at least. 
I do find it funny, though, that Bruce tells the guy he won't ask again... and then immediately asks again. Way to follow through, Bruce-y. 

I don't follow why he thinks black/off-market, criminal tech would be patented, honestly. I get the purpose it served, and I understand it makes sense that there is a patent since Tetch worked for Stagg when he developed it. But Bruce being so certain that there must be one seems odd to me, personally.

I was going to like the post initially, mainly for the first half, but the littering of errors throughout the latter half that could be easily caught by proofreading pulled me out of the narrative too much. But, I liked the twist at the end a lot. I knew it was likely where you were going, but only because of your flashback sequence which was brilliantly set up. Well done on that. 

[h3][u]Issue Eight:[/u][/h3]
Too many uses of "boy" back-to-back in the first half. It's all you used to refer to him. Varying it with a few different synonyms would have been better. As it is, the flow is affected and I was pulled away from the story.

Again, like the exposition here in regards to Chelsea's predicament as you delve in deeper than most of your other posts. You also give us more introspection with her in this one scene than we've gotten with Terry the entire arc thus far. And I love the introspection we do get. I like that you're actually giving us her thoughts and emotions in order to capture the dread and provide for a more uncomfortable and dark atmosphere. I just wish you would give the same treatment to Terry - minus the creep factor. 

There's quite a bit of passive voice used in this post in particular, though. Given that we're so closely following Chelsea's internal horror and disgust, this post especially should be more active in voice. Which, honestly, just means swapping some of the text in sentences from the beginning to the middle or end. 

Curious why you seem to have given Tetch a rhyming scheme here when he didn't have it before. I'm guessing it only comes out in his Mad Hatter persona. 

Despite there being several errors throughout, and the rampant redundancies, this post will also get a like because I really enjoyed that you gave us the Chelsea introspection. Maybe one of the things I've enjoyed most from you this run so far, despite the circumstances of the scene.

Also, ten bucks says the sister doesn't make it.

[h3][u]Issue Nine:[/u][/h3]
[quote]wrinkling his nose in [b]displease[/b][/quote]
[i]Proofread.[/i]

You know. I find myself more invested in Tetch as a character than Terry. Same with Chelsea. I don't relate to Tetch at all, of course, but you've given him so much more development than Terry. I think it's great that you've developed him, I love that you've extended this out and allowed the story to build-up relatively slowly. But you're kind of giving Terry the short end of the stick and treating him more like a plot device than a character.

We get some more nice exposition regarding Tetch's life and history. Very appreciated. But, once again, no introspection from Terry. The kid finds himself face-to-face with his dying friend, and he doesn't react as far as the audience can tell. Just witty quips. Which, yes, may very well be his way to cope with the situation, but we don't get to see and feel that. We get one single line about him shivering seeing Chelsea's condition, but that's all. No further inner turmoil or shock and horror or anything. And, even then, it seems like the shivering is more about Tetch's giggle than the state of Chelsea. I can't connect with Terry as a character if I don't even feel he's a person with thoughts and emotions.

You mention that Terry was in a haste to save Chelsea and so forgot to use the sensors to check the building. We should have experienced that concern and panic that led to said hasty mistake. You're telling us, but you're not showing us. 

[h3][u]Issue Ten:[/u][/h3]
[quote]Pet Pan Killer’s [/quote]
[i]Proofread proofread [b]proofread[/b].[/i]

You owe me ten bucks.

Not sure what nine-year-old uses "malice" in conversation, though. I understand the parallel between "malice" and "my Alice" but kids not acting like kids is jarring.

Great way to establish why the comeback was realistic and reasonable. The adrenaline injection keeps me from having to suspend disbelief that Terry rebounded in that combat. I wish it had been a slightly more prolonged battle, personally, given how easily they had overwhelmed him before with their speed and resilience, but it still worked.

Tetch was bound, though, from a bola. The Tweedles didn't have time to free him, presumably, since Terry was only out for a second or two before knocking them out. Hm. 

Again, would have really loved to see some introspection from Terry here. Especially at the end when he manages to save his friend. Maybe some conflict between leaving her there in that state without immediate attention before the paramedics arrive. At the very least some relief and satisfaction over the victory. Over her being alive. Witty one-liners are nice and all, but there has to be more to the character than that.

Your fight scenes seem sort of matter-of-fact at times. I don't think it's the way you describe the combat itself, maybe it's just the exposition surrounding that. Not sure. This and the last fight scene felt a little stale to me, though. More like you were laying out the steps than actually taking us through the experience if that makes sense.

[h3][u]Issue Eleven:[/u][/h3]
Probably not the best use of an accent there. Talking about a thong not being wide enough to cover "'ips." So easy to misconstrue. Makes the whole conversation super creepy. Not the narrative, the way you wrote it. [s]Skeevy, Nate.[/s]
Also, not a fan of writing out accents in dialogue, anyway, personally. 

[quote]thinning hair was parted atop his bulbous hair[/quote]
[i]Proof-fucking-read.[/i]

Ooh, White Rabbit name drop. 

You set up several plot threads moving forward very nicely and I'm interested to see how they all pay off. 
[hr]
So. I like the overall story arc. I like the pacing for the most part. I found Tetch a very compelling villain for his time in the limelight. 

However, there's a severe lack of introspection and character development for Terry. As I said earlier, he comes across as a generic plot device. He might as well be a robot with how little we get to experience his thoughts and feelings. I could not connect to him as he did not feel like an actual character. I connected with Bruce slightly more due to the flashbacks and how you characterized him seeming to have some sort of enjoyment out of punishing the bad guys. I connected with Chelsea a lot due to the focused introspection during her scenes, and I could strongly sympathize with her. I was disgusted at the abuse you had her suffer through, but that disgust is due to the narrative being well-done in that instance. And I could connect with Tetch, even, because you let us experience and explore his trauma as a child and how it affected him as an adult. He got real development. 

I got none of that from Terry, and I really wish I had because that would have made this arc genuinely fantastic.

That being said, I do appreciate and enjoy the worldbuilding you're doing by slowly teasing the greater Gotham underworld. But you should, in my opinion, really focus on better introducing these characters to us - at least when you're following Terry in the narrative. When you're doing the behind-the-scenes villain perspectives it makes sense not to elaborate. But when we're meant to be experiencing Terry's role and his exploits, and he has clear information on these people, events, etc, we as the audience need to get that, too.

Aside from all of that, the main things I'd say that stand out to me are the very clear signs you're not spending enough time, or any from your own admittance, proofreading. The over-reliance on "as" during exposition. And redundant diction throughout. 

While I do have all of these complaints and grievances, and I really hope you start giving us more introspective moments for Terry, I was able to enjoy a decent chunk of the content. The pacing of the arc and characterization of Tetch helped with that a lot. Just nail down turning Terry into a real boy, so to speak, and you'll have struck gold moving forward. 
[/hider]