[color=f26522]Evenin' peeps, both Mono and I have made some critiques of the sheets we have so far. So, in order of submission: [/color]

[@bloonewb]

[color=630460]Mono:[/color] Right, it looks pretty good! But there are a few issues to resolve: 

[quote]“Old Empire temporarily subjugates the kingdom of Imasicia. Imasicia rebels. The imperial legio style of warfare is harmonized with the existing method. Imasicia proves itself incredibly capable in combat, and throws off Old Empire rule. New family rises up to declare themselves king.”[/quote]

[color=630460]Mono:[/color] The Vehndathayan Empire (or Old Empire) never stretched that far and there would have been little effort to extend their influence to an area so distant from their home turf. It could be easily rectified by changing this to a client state seeking protection from them?

[color=f26522]Eldy:[/color] I'm in agreement with Mono here, The Vehndy Empire was pretty much struggling for much of its history to control its historic boundaries after it ate the sub-continent that was later named after it. Expanding so far north territorially would simply not be part of any conceivable plan. Having said that, their involvement doesn't need to be snipped, I could well see a Chinaesque like invasion force being expended to bring an enduring thorn in their side to heel, which then raised up a client dynasty to keep things quiet and then promptly marched home. The rebellion could then topple this client state whilst it struggled to bring Vehndy forces to its aid, thus separating from the Vehndy sphere again and reasserting its political if not territorial independence.

[quote]“The horsemen fielded by Imasicia are not heavy, but are no less tough. Even the young nobles are quickly informed of the importance of discipline, as harshly as is necessary. The horsemen are armored in lamellar and armed with both arrows and spathae, and thus serve diverse roles as harassment, flanking, and pursuit.”[/quote]

[color=630460]Mono:[/color]  It should be noted lamellar is largely equivalent to chainmail and it hardly a light armor - historically light cavalry would not have been armored with heavy metal protection much, if at all. It is more likely they would have used padded cloth armor - or even none at all. This is not really a major issue, just something I felt like pointing out~

[color=f26522]Eldy:[/color] Seconded there, I can understand the confusion however given most modern fantasy and medieval settings tend to make that inaccurate definition tho.

[color=630460]Mono:[/color]  …Though I will say a spada de lato in combination with shock trooper tactics and berserker soldiers is a bit of a strange combination.

[color=f26522]Eldy:[/color] Personally I think that kind of highly advanced swordcraft is a little out of place for the setting. Might be an idea to go for a more advanced version of something of the more 1st-8th Century range, given the Surabhi at this point aren't even manufacturing zweihanders or claymores at this point, and are instead utilising a more period accurate advanced falx.

[color=630460]Mono:[/color]  Finally - your traits are fine, but I'm uncertain what effects they confer to your nation. Please make sure to specify in your sheet. Second - where are your tech trees?

[color=f26522]Eldy:[/color] Agreed, the traits add humorous and cultural flavour but it's a bit hard to tell their exact purpose in national terms. Tree's will also need filled, but beyond what we've listed everything seems in good order.


[@Loo Tenant]

[color=630460]Mono:[/color] Right! What you have so far is looking pretty good! There's just... well, an issue. It's very very obviously Catholicism in all but name - and while there is nothing wrong in the slightest with taking inspiration from real life cultures (I don't know if there ever was an NRP nation that didn't) many characters even have the same, or extremely similar, names to their real life historical counterparts. Even the empire founding sons being raised by a wolf myth is there. I wouldn't dream of asking you to completely scrap it - but I would request you edit the names and a few other details to give it some of your own original thoughts and influences!

[color=f26522]Eldy:[/color] I am in agreement with Mono, I feel the connections are too obvious and too direct, which makes immersing oneself in your nation difficult as you're constantly aware of where the source material is coming from. I'd recommend developing your nations concept further so it stands by itself as a realised culture rather than leaning to heavily on the source material. Rome and Catholicism are good inspirations, don't get me wrong, but I want more of YOU in this rather a close tread with a historical comparable, let those creative juices flow, this is fantasy after all.

[color=ed1c24]Both:[/color] Also - your trees!

[@Perihelion]

[color=630460]Mono:[/color]  First of all - excellent overly long royal title. A+ on that. And a beautifully written CS!

There are some issues though: 

[quote]“3.) Cinnamon Isles - Exotic and engaging, a tourist destination right across the world – to quote a tourist advertisement ‘The dusky and enigmatic Cinnamon Isles, where natives the colour of rich chocolate cavort on the orange sands and wine-dark seas lap the shores under a nacarine sky.’ The Cinnamon Isles are found to the south and west of the Home Duchies. The mainstay of the Cinnamon Isles’ economy these days is tourism, unsurprisingly, given its great natural beauty and the aesthetic sense the Dominion’s rulers have preserved ever since the Isles fell under Imperial rule.”[/quote]

[color=630460]Mono:[/color] While we aren't your typical high fantasy medieval stasis land, we still aren't in the age of large scale foreign tourism, and especially not enough to fund a tourist economy. We still get to places with horses and wooden ships. 

Which leads me on...

[quote]“The City of Light is well-named indeed. One of the largest and certainly grandest of all cities, it sprawls in a great valley that covers most of the capital island of the Empire, filling it with a blaze of multi-coloured light that can be seen for many, many miles, an earthbound sun challenging the celestial one. Great towers spear the skies in stately array, fantastically-decorated and faced with iridescent filaments that make them glow brilliantly in the dark. The wide boulevards with their trees and fountains and ornate streetlamps are always thronged with the best and brightest of the empire, and high overhead a constant silver stream of airships goes to and from the highest docks while trains shoot back and forth and the river – insofar as is still navigable – is thronged with barges and pleasure craft.”[/quote]

[color=630460]Mono:[/color] Same goes for the above - the huge towers are fine, heaven knows I can't throw stones there - but when you say filaments do you mean some sort of magical light or electrical tungsten filaments? Similarly - we don't have trains or airships at all, as much fun as they are. If this is something you simply copied from a previous sheet and forgot to remove that is fine, but, well - do make sure to remove it. 

[quote]“here merchantier princes and the lesser nobility keep their winter residences”[/quote]

[color=630460]Mono:[/color] Smaller nitpick - but there isn't really a 'winter' in the tropics to be entirely honest. You'll have small seasonal fluctuations, but winter in the tropics means "Oh, it's only 70F outside instead of 90F!"

[quote]“The taverns here are raucous and friendly, a haven for students and sailors alike, a far cry from the refined restaurants of the upmarket areas of town.”[/quote]

[color=630460]Mono:[/color] I suppose this is also something of a nitpick, but we _are_ still somewhat before the time of restaurants, and the closest thing would most likely be the local tavern. The nobility has their slaves household servants do the cooking for them, generally.

[quote]“Being the largest trading city of the entire Empire, Xantal’s transport system and marinas are concomitantly enormous; the largest train hub yet constructed has just been completed to allow hundreds of trains to disburse megatons of goods all across the home provinces and to take in the enormous harvests from the bountiful island, while the shipyards work ceaselessly to produce more and more trading ships of both aerial and nautical kinds to keep the Empire together.”[/quote]

[color=630460]Mono:[/color] Ach! Trains and airships again!

[quote]“The beating industrial heart of the Home Duchies, Coronne is the centrepiece of Monrutaine island. It is not a tourist destination in the least; Monrutaine in any case is harsh and inhospitable, with sheer cliffs of granite, volcanic mountains and jagged reefs surrounding much of it. The island is split in two by the Charys range, the source of a great deal of raw materials for Coronne’s industrial combine. Mines honeycomb the foothills and cut into the volcanic mountains themselves, bringing forth a wealth of gold, gems and metal, as well as a great deal of fine masonry stone. This mineral tribute is then barged down the river to Coronne city and the vast foundries and forges of the League of Iron then turn this into almost any sort of good imaginable. Ars Technica, the premier engineering institute in all the Empire is located on the outskirts of Coronne, close to the manufactoria for the mass-production of alloys for the Imperial Armada that have played a large part in ruining Monrutaine more or less completely. The island can be seen for leagues by the glow of the furnaces, drifting up from the enormous manufacturing plants that have killed nearly every scrap of vegetation on the island, warring with the red blazes from the mines further inland that have wrecked the rest of it.[/quote]

[quote]The Dukes of Monrutaine still maintain their ancestral residence amid the smokestacks of the industrial giant, a cyclopean fortress of obdurate granite, polluted and blasted by industrial effluents. In practice, though, the family resides in Joyeuse, remaining as far from the belching chimneys as they can. While they care for their duchy and the people in it as much as they can – they spend the most per head of any duchy on public health and other works, they nevertheless don’t choose to live themselves amongst all the pollution.”[/quote]

[color=630460]Mono:[/color] This section highlights a broader problem both of us have and that is the aesthetic and technological element of your sheet. It's more in aesthetically for a steampunk RP than our anachronistic 'late antiquity' feel we've been pushing for. 

That said, and this is me personally speaking here - I absolutely adore this sheet and I want to ask you, personally, to hold on to this version. It's beautifully written, evocative, and it's giving me loads of ideas. If I ever run an RP with steampunk RP (and tbh that's very likely, as steam/dieselpunk is a genre I love) I want this sheet there and I want it badly. I implore you to keep this version saved somewhere because, while it doesn't fit the aesthetics of this version of Takanis - later iterations of it (or other settings!) will certainly be the perfect home for it and its airshipyards.

And I thank you for filling out your trees~

[color=f26522]Eldy:[/color] Mono pretty much covered my main issues with the profile so I'll be a bit more brief. I definitely share her enthusiasm for your profile but as she said, it's more in tune with a 16th-18th Century steampunk world than it is in a Late Antiquity period world. Like her I would definitely suggest keeping the profile for later use, as Mono is definitely eager to do some delicious Napoleonic period Takanis, but right now there is jarring tonal issues with using it in the current setting. Still beautifully written however.~ 

Also, I believe you may have forgotten to put up your naval tree, as I didn't see it amidst the existing ones, but that's only a small issue.

[@The Wyrm]

[color=630460]Mono:[/color] Last to post (so far) but nobody here is the least!

Your sheet doesn't have much written and I know you're reworking it so we in turn can't write much - but the only issue I can see at the moment is that your population looks a bit high to me. A kingdom that purposefully avoids intensive agriculture and seeks only to produce what they need would have a smaller population in my view - and even if that will no longer apply, with your rolls I would suggest toning the population down a bit. Other than that, I hope the reworking goes well and look forward to whatever you come up with!

[color=f26522]Eldy:[/color] Mono covered the majority of the issues, but much like her I'm holding off on the critique due to your statement that you're redoing your nation. I have some aspects that I would normally cover in more detail that Mono hasn't, but I'll let them lie for now and wait for your new nation idea to formulate.`