It was really fucking embarrassing how, up until the moment Ryan was actually moments from stepping outside the apartment, with the door wide open, Brendon had been stubborn and defiant and unwilling to back down or admit that he was the one in the wrong. He still wasn’t quite there yet, but the idea of Ryan leaving and not coming back was terrifying, so he half-involuntarily let his feelings surge out into words, asking him to stop. And Ryan did- he didn’t expect him to. So then he had to quickly figure out what to say before Ryan changed his mind and shut the door behind him. The first thing that came to mind that he could honestly say without a doubt was ‘I love you’; and, considering Ryan’s inpatient expression before he said this, it might not have been a good idea to lead with that. But he meant it, obviously. He never wanted to hurt Ryan. So he followed it up with a kind of pathetic request for Ryan to stay.

He was mellowed, now, upon realising how serious Ryan was about the whole ‘leaving’ thing, which Brendon refused to label as ‘breaking up’ because the idea of that made him sick to his stomach. So he simply stood, anxious, unsure of what to do with himself, waiting- but then Ryan was closing the door and Brendon’s heart surged with hope. His eyes flickered down to where he dropped all of his collected belongings and once he looked back up he was startled to see that Ryan was approaching him, crowding him, almost, his hands a few inches away from his waist and Brendon’s instinct was to move towards him, into his grasp, relax. But Brendon was still nervous and slightly intimidated by the sense of purpose he could see Ryan had, so he walked backwards until his lower back hit the marble. His grasp was so weak on all the paperwork that there was no resistance when Ryan removed it and slid it across the counter- it was a miracle he hadn’t already dropped it, as he was trembling, slightly, trying desperately to hide it and keep some semblance of strength.

Brendon could barely meet Ryan’s eyes but he did anyway, looking up through his eyelashes but there was no seduction there, or playfulness, as there usually was when Ryan had him against some kind of furniture like this. Distantly he imagined what would have happened if the conversation Ryan brought up had gone smoother- maybe they’d be like this, only Ryan would be grinning and Brendon would be pressing kisses on his neck and over his pulse, before turning his head to catch Ryan in a kiss while Ryan held him secure, fingers dipping down to trace the skin of his v-line. That was what usually happened in the mornings. Instead, he was wide-eyed and felt extremely vulnerable under the scrutiny of Ryan’s careful, level gaze, not sure that any gentle kisses would get him very far in this situation.

[i]Tell me you don’t believe I’m like Shane.[/i] Brendon... had forgotten he had said that. He felt sick. Ryan was nothing like that piece of shit and they both knew it and it was awful of him to- [b]”I,”[/b] He began, then cut himself off immediately, struggling to find words because he was so disgusted with himself. How did he excuse that? Shane had been [i]abusive.[/i] Ryan wasn’t anything of the fucking sort. He was protective and sweet and wonderful and sure, sometimes he was a little uptight and could be [i]over[/i]protective, but he always meant well and Brendon loved him to death. He just didn’t know how to express that into words right now- some of the stupid part of his brain was still trying to get him to make things worse and refuse to accept responsibility or apologise. He had never been held accountable for anything. [i]Tell me you’re not serious about that bullshit and I’ll think about not walking out of here.[/i] 

[b]”I’m not, I’m not,”[/b] Brendon said quickly, lifting his arms hesitantly before dropping them because he wasn’t sure Ryan would take kindly to being touched right now. [b]”Fuck, I’m so sorry, darling. God, I’m so shit. You’re nothing like him, I can’t believe I-”[/b] He stopped. [b]”...You’re not going, really, are you? You were- really going to leave? Leave me?”[/b]