[@Techne] If you seriously want some constructive criticism, there are a few things I noticed on the grammatical side of things. Though, really, my advice will always boil down to "proofread your writing out loud to yourself at least once, then again each time you edit a portion." Most little, simple errors that could take someone out of the narrative can be caught that way. 

[sub]I'm not a grammar Nazi, I swear... [/sub]