I have tried to keep my remarks analogic with the order in which they appeared in your sheet. Some general remarks: avoid run-on sentences and add in age specifications in her bio. How old was she approximately when she was enslaved, discovered by the Jedi, switched sides,…?

[b]Regarding the spelling of her name:[/b]
I dislike the style. It looks like a company name to me (like SoroSuub). I do not hold it against the character or your sheet. It is a sufficiently grey area and not grounds for a denial. That said, I believe you are better off basing yourself on the known Mirialan names. A few quick examples are Arwen Cohl, Kixiaralu, Jana Lorso, Luminara Unduli, Hylo Visz and Zeven.

[b]Reference Description:[/b]
In her attire description you say she only has one lightsabre, but later down you mention a second.

What do you mean by “her wardrobe theremin”? A theremin is an electrical instrument.

One of your reference image links is broken.

[b]Infancy:[/b]
How did “simple farmers” afford a ship? Where did they get it? Why would they need one? Why would they not just sell whatever crops they raised to a trader or firm?

The past tense of “to drag” is “dragged”, not “drug”.

Why did they need training? Why Ryloth?

[b]Early Childhood:[/b]
The entire first paragraph conflicts with what you wrote about Mylar’s infancy. First you say they failed payment on a loan, which allows their Hutt creditor to clap them in irons and then take them to Ryloth to be trained as slaves. And here you say they were shot down over Ryloth. Was this a failed escape attempt?

When did her parents die? How? It's unclear if they lived on but were unable to pay off their debt, or if they were killed because of that crash.

[b]Teens:[/b]
How come they didn’t find out her growing obsession with the Sith Code?

[b]Adulthood:[/b]
“Gall”, not “gal”.

[b]Trinkets and totems:[/b]
Last paragraph’s last sentence is botched.

[b]Traits:[/b]
Eschilon -> echelon. Also, what echelon?

[b]Lord Calhound[/b]
Colleges -> colleagues

Why would philosophy be taught at Korriban if the prevalent opinion is so that nobody takes it seriously? Furthermore, even if Calhound is rather unimpressive, he is still a high-ranking personage. A healthy amount of fear ought to be expected, certainly from students/acolytes.

Reread the two last paragraphs for typos and incongruent conjugations and tenses.

[b]Therese:[/b]
“Shipwright”, not “shipwrite”.

“Refining down” – What does that mean?

[b]Dynamic-class freighter:[/b]
Why settle for this model and not something newer? Why stick to it after forcibly recruiting Therese? It being a piece of junk but possessing state of the art components seems like a contradiction. Also, Mk. 2 hyperdrive is quite high-end, a bit too high-end for this thing, I’d say.

[b]Tattoos & Heritage:[/b]
“A Mirialan would place a unique, often geometrically repeated tattoo on their face and hands to signify that they had completed a certain test or task, or achieved sufficient aptitude for a certain skill. The number of tattoos would thus often act as a good indicator of how mature and/or skilled a Mirialan was. Because the more markings brought about a form of status.” – from Wookiepedia

You describe her tattoos. They are an integral part of Mirialan society. In fact, there was an entire lexicon about these. However, Mylar grew up outside of Mirialan society. How did she get her tattoos? What do they mean? Does she even know what they represent? Why would she bother getting them?