[h3]Only the Road.[/h3]

[i]“Goodbye is the hardest thing to say to someone who means the world to you, especially when goodbye isn’t what you want.” - Unknown[/i]

[hr]

[indent]The pestle in her hand ground down at the herbs in the mortar, the petals tore to a blackened mush. The charcoal that she added milled down to a fine powder. "Whatever that is, I ain't drinking it," came a low voice from behind her, masculine and deep - but friendly. 

"It's not for eating," she replied with a half smile - the lips that were usually full, now thin as she sucked them in. Shrinking away at the thought of company.

"Oh aye? What for then?"

"My hair," she said candidly, pouring oil into the bowl to combine everything until it was a slick liquid - black and thick. "To change it." Raelynn admitted, her eyes briefly meeting Fjolte's before she took her comb from the ground and dipped it. It was then that Fjolte noticed that Raelynn's belongings were folded neatly around her. Clothes in two piles, accessories in two piles. He raised a brow. 

"Why are you changing your hair?" he asked with a curious smirk.

"Because I'm going away for a bit." Raelynn replied after a long pause in something of a snappy voice. Like a petulant teenager put on the spot and forced to explain herself. She brought the comb to the roots of her hair, and dragged the mixture through her blonde locks from root to tip, the fingers of her free hand worked to unwind and pull her curls straight. 

“Seems drastic, and… a little out of nowhere if I’m being honest,” Fjolte asked with a raised brow, “what’s really going on?”he added, there was concern in his tone, if not also joined by a measure of incredulousness. He dropped to his haunches in front of the temperamental Breton, half tempted to hook a finger under her chin to bring her eyes to his. Instead, he remained relaxed and open.

“It’s too dangerous here,” she sighed, volatility melting away. “We’re going to die you know? One by one. It’s like Zaveed said… There’s more even still than that,” Raelynn confessed, her voice breathy and words coming quick. She thought back to the conversation she’d had with Aries. The vague threats in the Imperial’s speech of arrests and of punishment - the reminder of her crimes. The way she’d been shaken to her core afterwards. Her jaw trembled, buckling under the weight of silent panic but she held it back. Continued her combing, her focus on that alone.

Fjolte’s eyes narrowed as he watched her, he’d observed her dance between being aloof and haughty to slipping into states of shock and upset like this since they’d reunited in the prison. But to her credit, since Gregor’s change she had been mostly stoic and steady — even though there were very clearly cracks under her surface. He watched her hands as they worked, black dye dripping into a pool at her side, splattering against her clothing. “You know, there’s at least three people over by the camp who are still breathing ‘cos of you though, you know that right? You did good, blondie. Heard you even shot an Orc with a fucking cannon, that’s a solid eff-”

“I wake up alone-” Raelynn said, interrupting the inspiring pep-talk that Fjolte was trying to bring forth. The comb was stuck midway through her curls as she turned her head to finally face him. He blinked and was about to say something, but her grim expression harboured a loneliness she had been burying and she had allowed him to look into it. Any smile that remained on his face was whisked away. “I wake up alone and every day is cold. I’m walking over eggshells around my friends, around… Even around Gregor. I don’t want to upset him anymore than he already is. I can’t help him. I’m not strong enough. People don’t trust me.” Her jaw clenched and her eyes shut tight, but there were tears that formed between her lashes.

“Take your time,” Fjolte breathed reassuringly as he let his bottom touch the earth beneath him and stretched out his legs. “I’m listening.” Gone was his tone of humour.

It took her a few moments to collect herself, and all the while, she simply combed darkness through strands of silver hair. 

“Back before… It was just me and him. We made our own world. He said the most beautiful things,” she smiled reflectively as a redness came to her cheeks and her expression softened some. “He built me palaces with his words that I felt safe and adored in.” Her smile held up, but the joy was fleeting and was stripped and torn away from her almost immediately. “He would hold me for hours… I’d lie with him and in the silence and breathe him in. Nothing could break into what we’d made for ourselves. Now it’s…” Raelynn’s voice tapered to a whimper and the comb slipped from her fingers as she brought her hands to her face to shield the expression from the outside world.

Fjolte picked up her comb, shuffling over to her with a half-smile, before he tentatively brought it to her hair. “Tell me,” he said, as the teeth slipped through her lengths. “You can tell me.”

Raelynn sniffed and cleared her throat softly.

“Everyone knows what we’ve done, everyone knows [i]everything[/i] about us. When he… the prison, when he did that… When Sora told me she knew. When he…” Her small, shaking hand came to her chest and she paused… “It was as if everything we had, our palace? It all came tumbling down to the ground.”

Raelynn had always had a way of speaking poetically. Fjolte supposed it was her upbringing, her education, her family having been wealthy. He just spoke as he thought, and how he thought it. But even then, he still understood what she meant by it. The feeling of safety and comfort she had been given by Gregor. That they’d made together. He understood her when she had said it had gone. “You’ve always lived in a palace blondie,” he said quietly, his hands now black with dye as he worked through Raelynn’s hair - hoping he was doing it right. “You’ve always had walls up, always kept yourself shut out of the world. Held everyone who came to you at arms length and then some. Sounds to me like you finally let someone in and thought you could just keep it like that forever, eh?” 

She nodded, placing her finger under her nose as her breath caught in her chest. “Something like that…”

“Thing about life is, we can’t just hide in our own fortress you know? You miss so much of everything else. Truth is, everything is still the same with you. You still love each other… By Kyne I’ve never seen you look at anyone or anything like you look at him, even now. The core of what you both were, that’s the same - isn’t it?” Fjolte asked, stopping to face her with an easy smile. He placed his other hand on her shoulder and gave her a reassuring squeeze.

Raelynn thought about it, and glanced off into the distance - at the flames of the campfire she could just about make out from behind the rows of trees. “Yes... I mean I think so…”

“You talk to him about all this?”

“No, I don’t want to add to his trouble,” she said in a small voice. “I just… I don’t know that we [i]are[/i] the same.”

“Not even if he can help you? Wouldn’t it hurt him more to learn you’ve been going through this alone?”

“You don’t understand,” Raelynn began, her voice sharp and irascible again. “It’s more complicated than that now…” Her eyebrows furrowed on her forehead and an ugly crease appeared at the centre, until she became aware of the tension and sighed pitifully. “I’m pregnant, Fjolte. I’m carrying Gregor’s child. I’m going to be a mother…  I can’t protect everyone, I can’t help everyone. Not even Gregor-”

The Nord stopped again, that was certainly some news. That was… He wasn’t expecting to hear it. So he placed the comb at his side before wrapping his huge arms around the shrinking Breton, holding her tightly. He didn’t say a word, but he could feel her heart pounding hard against him, and her breaths were quick and sharp. Tears landed against his arm and rolled down. He rocked her back and forth slowly as she began to sob. “In the eons of his immortality, my own life will be but a breath. I will age, grow ugly, grow ill, break, and die… In a single breath of his life, mine will be over. Do you understand?” 

Fjolte could feel her shaking, and the tremble in her voice rang out the internal agony that plagued her. “I think so…”

“Don’t you think that forever has changed, Fjolte? It doesn’t mean the same thing anymore.” The quality of her voice changed, what was usually honey had turned sour, and her eyes were suddenly cold. 

Fjolte took in a deep breath and thought about her question. “Forever is just a word, a concept. It doesn’t have to mean anything. I think that your lifetime is a forever of its own. Mine too, an Altmer lives a great many years longer than people like you and I. Gregor is… I’m not sure I can really imagine it. Your forever will be full of love, but his will be lonely until the end.” He instinctively scratched the tip of his nose and let his words carry themselves to her ears in the most consoling tone he could - although, his words were probably not the easiest to hear. 

Choosing not to respond to that, Raelynn instead got to thinking over the journey she had taken. Everything [i]she[/i] had done. From torturing N’Blec, to being held prisoner by Zaveed - the moments that led her to influencing Gregor’s fractured mind. Convincing him to kill Razlinc Rourken. The balmy afternoon she spent preparing potions over the alchemy table in her father’s residence. If she closed her eyes, she could take herself there and imagine each detail; the way that the outside sun warmed the leather bindings and crisp pages of the books on the tables. The scent of pistachio and rosewater traveling through from the markets. The scraping of steel and popping of hay bales in the courtyard as Gregor danced through them with his claymore. 

Would she change the decision? Her lip curled at the thought. [i]No. I’d just be better prepared…[/i]

She chastised herself for her answer, dragging her thumbnail across the bare skin of her thigh as if that little flicker of pain would be a reminder that the days of that kind of vengeance were over. That kind of vengeance did not do to keeping her friends safe. Were they truly her friends? After everything? “I have been [i]trying[/i] to be strong,” she croaked at last, releasing her thumb from flesh, leaving behind a fingernail shaped welt. "I try to help out and protect everyone. But everything I do means [i]nothing[/i]. It feels as though no matter what I do, I’m just the woman who was complicit and hid Gregor’s secret. The woman who [i]helped[/i] him… am I evil?” Her lower lip stuck out and her voice was merely an exasperated rasp. “I’m evil,” she repeated, deciding it for herself as she set the words free to linger in the atmosphere.

For once, the Nord had no words. He couldn’t say anything to her that would make that better, and so he let her go slowly, the severity on his own features was masked by the growing darkness that surrounded them. It was as though Raelynn herself drew it in with each of her shuddered breaths. As the sun continued its descent, it left behind a gloom and murk that seemed to suit the tone of their meeting so well. The two sat in silence for some time as Fjolte fumbled his way through her hair. If nothing else, he could say he’d learned a new kind of skill, and he came to wondering if his nieces would like such a thing. He wondered how long their hair was now. Astrid liked hers long… He supposed it must be to her knees by now and it was that realisation that hit him in the chest as hard as Raelynn’s cannonfire had hit Maulakanth...

“Then you can’t leave alone.” Fjolte sighed, quashing his own emotions and trying to conjure a smile to his heavy countenance. He brought a hand to his face as if in disbelief at his own change of heart, but Sora had given her blessing, had she not? “I don’t think I could let a friend do that, I’ll... take you to Rorikstead with me, eh? My sister and my mama, they’ll take care of you. They know about all… that stuff. They’ll keep you safe, alright? Does that sound alright to you?” 

Nothing was said for a while between the two, until eventually Raelynn nodded. It was true that she couldn’t go alone, if she did - then she would only put herself in more danger. If she went it alone, there was more chance she would be followed, at least traveling with someone who had proven himself in combat might lessen the worry of the the party. Her eyes flickered to her shoulder, Fjolte was behind her still combing through her hair and so she placed her hand on top of his. “We leave tonight then. We can take Lady. The camp is quiet and nobody will know until morning. We’ll ride for Rorikstead but… There are things I want to do, there has to be more to this journey than me running from fear,” Raelynn said softly.

“What is it that you want?” Fjolte asked, “anything that we can do, we will.”

“My abilities - I want to learn more about them. My father gave me a book in Gilane. I have to finish it, I think I can help more people if I uncover the secrets of that tome.” She sighed wearily, glancing to said tome as it sat atop a pile of her clothing. “There have to be answers out there, Fjolte…” she explained, her brow creased. “Ways to help Gregor, maybe fix him. I can’t help him or myself as our companions look on at our every move, do you understand?” she continued, her voice grew quieter still and her eyes fell dark, voice hollow. 

The Nord only nodded, taking her hand in his own and squeezing it. “I’ll help you, but Raelynn, be careful that you don't lose yourself by trying to find that might not even be real… Yes?”

“I know… I know.” Raelynn responded, turning her face away again so that Fjolte could finish.

[hr]

At Fjolte’s insistence and to ease her own worries, Raelynn had taken from her journal the letter that she had already penned to her lover. As she held the parchment, pinched between her fingers, the words no longer felt right. They were the panicked words of a woman devoid of hope, and so she tore it up and began again.

By candlelight, she bore her soul for him to keep in the form of the truest words that came to her. Leaving the letter neatly folded where her head would lay. Sitting on top, the last sprig of lavender she had on her person. It was drying now, and the stem was so brittle that she dared not hold it too tightly lest it snap. Beside the flower, the same brooch that bore her family crest. The same that she had entrusted to Zhaib in Gilane. She ran her thumb over the wings of the hawk in its centre. 

[center][i]My beloved Gregor,

Would that I could join you, but my words must be enough.

I am taking short leave, and there are things I can’t explain to you in writing and that you aren’t yet ready to know. But out there are answers to questions that only I can find. Ways to help you, ways to help myself. It is time to help yourself too, without me in your way. 

I am a broken woman still, and you did your best to protect me and to keep me safe. I could not have asked for a more valiant Knight, but a Knight deserves a true Lady - and so I must become one.

You’re the only man I’ve ever loved. I don’t think I told you that and perhaps I should have. I want you to know that you had my heart in Anvil. Do you remember when we walked arm-in-arm through the town? We’d had such a long journey to that point but it seems like since then our journeys have only been longer and more dangerous. I dream of the day we can walk arm-in-arm again, to see your smile against the fading sunlight. For a morning where peril is not on the horizon and we can watch for the breaking of dawn together without fear of the violence lurking in its shadow.

I know that there is a good man in you, my love, and I know that you can find him. I hope that in my quest for knowledge I can find that there is still a good woman in me too, someone that deserves everything we’ve promised each other. So become yourself again, Gregor Sibassius, and I will make my way through fire and rain to find you there as your worthy Lady.

Last of all, know that I will never give up on you, and when everything falls to darkness, I will be there. I will be your strength. Because after all, the only thing that we need in this life to survive is to have one person who loves us, and you have her. 

For as long as I live, I am yours.

I am counting my heartbeats backwards until we meet again.

R[/i][/center]

The letter, she felt, was overly saccharine. There came a certain vulnerability in leaving it there as she left the tent. Fjolte was there and waiting for her, his fingertips smudged grey with charcoal from the letter he had written to Daro’Vasora. While Raelynn’s penmanship was exquisite, the same could not be said for the Nord, who had struggled with the written word. Even the parchment that he had put his word onto was creased and torn at the corners. Left under a rock by the Cathay’s bed. It had been such a rush for him to complete his own task, that he hadn’t taken the greatest amount of care in preparing it all, it would be lucky if the Khajiit even became curious enough to look at the scrap. 

[center][i]Darivazora,
I tuk on yore advys. I shud go bak to Roriksted and Raylin sed she wil go with me. she is wureed for her chyld with Gregor and i think my sister kan help her and kip her sayf from the daynjers owt ther. I will leev her with them and mayk my way if i kan to fynd my band. I want to stil help yu and if i kan fynd them i kan bring them to you. but if i karnt then it was gud to see you agen. and if this iz reely gudby then i hohp to see you in anutha lyf.[/i][/center] 

[hr]

Fjolte greeted her, noticing at first her bloodshot eyes, and the way that even the skin below them was red as though she had been rubbing at it. “Are you sure you don’t want to say goodbye to any of them, blondie - err, I mean… Raelynn? They’re going to miss you.” The mixture had been rinsed out, and now her hair had been changed from the silver ash to the colour of raven's feathers. Beautifully black and strange. It made her eyes appear bigger and brighter, which considering their current state was not quite a compliment. 

“No one mourns the wicked, they’ll move on.” The Breton answered dryly, in a hurry to move before she changed her mind. Now that the letter was placed, she wanted to be gone. She wanted to be miles away before Gregor found it. If she waited a moment longer to move she would be frozen in place.


And then she moved. One foot in front of the other, she moved. Heading to the place they had left the calm palomino, Lady. Their bags were slung over her saddle and her eyes were full of patience and grace. It was Raelynn who mounted her first, she stared only ahead, whereas Fjolte was far more tentative. His eyes persisted on the campfire in the distance, and his fingers twitched at his side. He was abandoning his new friends too…

There was Gaius, a man whom he thought he may grow close enough to be friends with. Zaveed his rescuer. Sirine, the beautiful sister of his brother, Bakih. Then there was Sevari too - the grizzled Ohmes with whom he’d toasted and shared an evening of mirth. The tall and timid Anifaire, he had not yet spoken with her but he had enjoyed hearing her voice when she spoke. His friend Judena, short of memory - would she recall him after he left? Had he made impact enough?

His nord brother, Calen. Younger than Fjolte but just as big in spirit - a beautiful voice too. The Ambassador Aries, and her incredible magic. Maj the conjurer - friend of… of Maz. His green goddess. There was Jaraleet and Finnen - the latter who'd taken his own abrupt leave. Then Sora, someone who had only recently forgiven him for his mistakes, someone who really needed a friend... Gregor - the man he’d sworn to help… But he knew in that task, he’d done all he was capable of. 

Meg. Scraps, she wasn’t around and all he could think about was how free he’d felt the evening they had shared together. How it had been [i]so[/i] nice to hold her… He swallowed down a lump in his throat and turned his back - mounting Lady. His heart felt heavy and he hoped it wouldn’t weigh down the poor mare. As he cleared his throat, he noticed that Raelynn trembled in the saddle, and that her hands were wrapped tightly around the reigns.

“Release your feelings, Raelynn. You can cry if you need to,” he whispered, placing a soft touch on her arm.

“No,” she said quickly, “I have no more tears. There’s only the road now.”[/indent]