[@Mystic Writer]: Okay, let's start, I guess.

1. The first thing I'm noticing here is that the supplied form has not been used for either character, which, uh... I mean, I understand when people want to reorganize things to make their forms look prettier, but here there's a bunch of extra information that could be condensed elsewhere or that we don't necessarily need? I'd very much like it if you could repurpose what you have into what was given to some degree, for the sake of uniformity and clarity.

2. In regards to the Helena form, there's a lot of stuff that's... Basically just ripped off of the translation of her FGO Material III profile. What I'd like at minimum, in addition to the truncating and re-purposing of both forms, is for some manner of description to be written in regards to both her skills and NP. 

And I mean [i]actual[/i] rewriting here; her first and third skills are vague in description, such that we really don't have any idea what they can actually [i]do[/i]. It's fine if you need to make stuff up, but the results need to be tangible.

Ideally, I'd like if you could write it all from scratch using the profile as a basis, just to make sure that you'd understand how the character functions from a personal point of view, but your plan was to push this onto someone else (and I'm not sure if ANYONE else has open slots), so... Things are weird here.

3. The Bathory bloodline. While it is plausible that a branch family could become magi, there are two (more pressing) problems here.

One: Why keep the family name if you're trying to distance yourself from the actual Bathory bloodline? It doesn't make much sense to keep it in trying to do something like that.

Two: I'd bet money that Liz is in the city already; if not, she's still very likely to pop out and, I would assume, have a higher precedence than the catalyst due to blood ties. That brings up a whole slew of problems on its own, and if you're trying to stay under the radar, sharing Liz's family name is a good way to get yourself marked regardless.
Also, like, Carmilla. The secondary problem in that regard lies here; even if she isn't summoned, both Servants are high profile such that there would be a great deal of explaining to do regardless.

4. The Clock Tower is not a tourist destination. Even in this presumed timeline where the MA is more centrist/liberal than they were in the past due to Waver's efforts, they're still not open for the general public. It's usually students, faculty, and people with business there that actually get inside, and a kid with his family on summer vacation usually won't cut it. On top of that, a magus family would generally have the resources to teach their child on their own, even if they aren't necessarily technologically incompetent. If they have expectations for the child, they would tutor in private (and given magus families, that's pretty common) or send them straight to the Clock Tower from the start, I would think.

5. It just feels weird writing up a form for someone else to use and expecting that to gain any traction. I don't think people are all that inclined to use a character that they don't necessarily have inspiration for, and that goes double when there's a limited number of character slots per player. I'm not sure how inclined people would be to give one of their choice slots for that sake, y'know?

That... Should be everything of note, really.