[h2]Feedback Friday![/h2] [i]first three, more to come.[/i] [hider - Garil] [@Spoopy Scary] You saw in the Discord that I took a lot of notes, you had nothing to worry about. My pencil is for placing a footnote on the things I love, and there's so much to love about Garil. I've said it once, I'll say it a million times more - your ability to use light whimsy so naturally is your greatest gift as a writer. People spend years perfecting something like that, it's as easy as breathing to you and it's what makes anything you do so enjoyable to read. In the appearance section, you effortlessly describe mannerisms that all have meaning that later match and pair to aspects of his personality. Instead of jumping into what I call the a, b, c formula of writing an appearance (start with this and then with that etc). You take the concept of it and turn it into something so unique to your style. That effortless whimsy again. You lucky duck. Spoops, you don't paint by numbers, you paint from memory and from soul and you use colours that the average Joe just wouldn't even consider looking at. There are parts when personality slips into appearance, and vice versa but that's part of the beauty of your writing - you're creating and fleshing out such a character and you like to start with the little ticks. The way he hunches, how he chews, that he's agile, it all builds the character so easily without simply saying; "he is neurotic." I made a note, STAR; Situation, Task, Action, Result. You don't simply say "my character is x" - you don't say it all, you write the story in single sentences - you show instead of telling. What I like about Garil is that he's very 'usual'. So many writers veer away from writing a character like that, when actually, often they have simply the best inner monologues - because they're clean of baggage and secrets and darkness. They're pure and unfiltered, and this roleplay needs introspection like that. Him being a simply farmer contrasts quite well to Dro'Sintaba who always strived for more and achieved that - in a way I can see the two of them acting almost as two sides of the same coin. Very similar in a lot of ways - but different enough to have incredibly differing working minds. I'm excited to explore that, I love writing with you so I'm sure we can work out some wonderful collabs between the two of them. What I'm left wondering about - I'd really like to know what it is that makes Garil tick. What would actually make him angry? What kind of anger does he have? Has he ever been in love - he's liberal about sex and relationships, where did that come from? How does he show affection? I'm feeling like that's the seasoning missing from it being a complete dish, for me. With that said, I would accept this sheet now, but I'd like you to think about my feedback before posting it to the tab on Wednesday.[/hider] [hider - Aurora] [@Hank] As always, fantastically descriptive writing and a good length of a sheet. You have a really nice way of describing, it's very easy to read and enjoyably so and it always feels very 'Hank', and maybe that's because I write so much with you and we're quite creatively intertwined in a way, I always know your work in the signatory things you do - a statement and then a lovely description to follow, they why to the what. Aurora feels very Hopepunk to me and that's in everything she does down to her name. "Silly Rabbit, cynicism is for losers!" is a trope she seems to slip into, imo. The thing that really stuck out to me, and what I couldn't actually push to the side when I read the sheet was the following line, actually; [quote]Aurora means business and feels like she deserves to be taken seriously, something that is unfortunately in short supply for women in her line of work.[/quote] I couldn't push it away because that's such a huge aspect of womanhood, many of our stories are about our desire to 'claim a seat at the table' so to speak, and it's only really briefly touched upon here to add flavour to her appearance and I can't help but wonder if this is not, in a way, her story - her motivation. You write that Aurora is driven to carve out a place for herself in the world, but her history reads rather easily, and she hasn't really faced much adversity that suggests she has to carve out anything. About that, it's not always about being cut throat and savage about it either, it's quite an overdone trope imo. Her natural benevolence would make her far less likely to do that anyway - but she's very clever and adept at speaking and she seems like the type who probably wouldn't take no lying down. That's what I'm feeling in the sheet, from the character. Something else that struck me, as food for thought, is that some especially creative and artistic women can be very emotional and sensitive to others. It's where a lot of their art comes from, strong emotions that they possess. I wonder if this could be something to explore with Aurora? How does she manage her emotions? She reads as being quite calm and steady and warm, but she has this desire to have a place - how does she handle rejection and failure? I also think being an emotional being matches in a way with her history with her family, the arguments. A difference that wasn't simply opinion, but something deeper with Aurora. There's definitely a glimpse of that in the history there. With her having had a lot of flings and relationships, I'd be interested to know why that is and how it affects her, actually. It reads in the sheet a little like she was in a way taken advantage of and spun a bit of a yarn by Azar. He kind of used her because she was a 'transient girl' and he moulded her in a way that is not too unlike being groomed. This kind of brings me back to the point of 'a seat at the table' - this experience could have really moulded within her an experience or at least lasting impression of men, especially considering how it ended quite abruptly. Her skills match up, although I'm wondering if her athletics would be higher if she's been riding for that long, and since she does travel with the horse too it's a very huge part of her life. Upping athletics would also go, in my opinion, a way to making her a hardier fighter too, with good stamina. As it stands, the sheet is perfectly fine and the things I've discussed are more the stones that I didn't want to leave unturned and as you know I have a bit of a thing for finding narrative in places, and I can't not share those ideas. As with Spoops, I'd like you to have a think about it - but don't feel obliged to, and this sheet can be posted on Wednesday. [/hider] [hider - Lywend] [@Jorick] First things first, I'm British through and through. I drink tea in abundance and I know good tea and my taste. Your sheet and character concept is what I would call "My Cup of Tea". I love a dark, brooding gentleman and you've created that really well in a sheet that is so succinct. I can tell a lot about you as a writer from the few interactions we've so far had, and I've no doubt you'll do this character great justice - I am guessing you're very into your classic mythology, because this is a 'Tragedy' kind of story, and I'm looking forward to reading it. There's going to be much we can do together in the roleplay. I like that his personality is gentle and unassuming, he slips in unnoticed and may well become something of a wallflower if he's as quiet a dude as you describe. I'd like to see how the appearance links to the personality, however. I'd like to know some of his mannerisms, how he carries himself - you say he has the eyes of a man who is wise beyond his years - I'd love to see that expanded on. The history leaves just enough mystery to make me salivate but gives enough to let me know how he got to where he is now, how he learned and where etc. It's the perfect kind of bio that lets me know that I want this character, and concept in the roleplay for sure - especially after what we've briefly discussed in private. I would like to see some more padding on the sheet though, particularly in the appearance and personality section - I would like to know those mannerisms. How could one see that he's becoming angry for example? I live for that shit so show me how his posture changes if someone is pressing his buttons - if they do does he lash out, or make an excuse to up and leave? I'd like to maybe even know how the tragedy he has suffered has changed him, who did he used to be? What does he do now that he didn't before? Archery feels like a tacked on skill, and it is but I really like that you've done it anyway because it relates to his history and that really tells a lot about the kind of man he is. I'm really, really excited by this character and I look forward to how he gets along with the rest of them, as you've done a good job of making him affable and easy to get along with (on a surface level, darkness aside)... It's always good to have a healer on the journey too. The goal is incredibly tangible too, and could well happen in *this* roleplay for sure.... *sips tea* [/hider]