[hider=A memory of Misunderstanding, Power and Loss.]
[i]Some time ago, just before the party at Nyhem Keep[/i]

It was a cool night. Perhaps the chill she felt was only within her own body, perhaps it wasn't... but [i]cool[/i] was decidedly what Drevala felt in the air. As she alighted upon the balcony of the guest room she inhabited in Lana's home, she shifted and back into her human form and rushed into the room as quickly as her fatigued limbs would carry her.

She was in one of her usual peasant-ish dresses, wild and filthy from yet another expedition into the woods. Her eyes were dark and her lids felt heavy, so very heavy. But she couldn't rest, not yet. She had to get things off her chest, get a weight off her shoulders. She staggered through the room and shifted her bag off of her shoulders, then dug her hand into it and pulled out that damnable journal that has haunted her thoughts for the past weeks.

She gripped it in her hands tightly, throwing the bag aside, and stumbled out of the room, slumping on a wall as she hugged the book to her chest.

"L-Lana..." She sighed, hugging herself tighter. "I'm sorry..." She whispered to herself, scrunching her eyes tightly shut as a shudder went through her body. As quickly as this unbearable wave of emotion hit her, it passed and that darkness lingered in her eyes. She inhaled deeply and pushed off the wall, strength filling her limbs as she tapped into her final reserves of strength.

She made her way through the home, following the smells and sounds that wafted around her until she finally found herself meandering towards Lana's room.

[i]Dinner. I've arrived at dinner. All disheveled and filthy, to boot.[/i] she chastised herself, but couldn't make herself back down.

She moved up to the door to Lana's room and rapped upon it with her knuckles in a customarily friendly knock.

"L-Lana?" She called in. "It's me. Drevala." she said in a neutral tone- which, considering her usual excitement and joviality, was a rather dour one in comparison.

"Drevala, come in." Lana's voice carried through the door, a pleasant tone to it, quite unlike the neutral, oft impatient tone used to respond to servants at her door.

This night she was taking dinner in her room, where she could continue to study uninterrupted - a habit that had grown as she had gained more titles and responsibilities. These days it seemed if she didn't hide away in her studies, she was stuck hosting, or being hosted by, an endless stream of nobles and merchants wanting an audience. She delicately set down the silver cutlery in her hands and stood as the door opened, walking over to lightly embrace her friend.

She expertly hid a scowl, brought on by the dirt Drevala had somehow trod in. She was slowly getting used to her fellow mage's particular capacity to remain dirty even through a shape shift. It was unfortunate, but a minor nuisance to bear for the sake of having a close friend in arms reach.

Drevala buried her face in Lana"s hair, but did not release the book she clutched to her breast to return the embrace. She inhaled deeply and seemed to relax from some unseen stress, before pulling away with some reluctance.

"Sorry to bother you so suddenly- er... And for not changing first. It's... Important."

Drevala delicately moved into the room so as to not be standing in the doorway. She seemed wild, almost as wild as she was as a young girl first learning to change shapes back on the summer isles before she learned to reign herself in and play the part of 'human' properly. She fidgeted and rubbed her shoes together as if they made her uncomfortable, but she didn't kick them off.

"She's probably going to hate me, gods above..." she groaned to herself, as if Lana weren't even there to hear her.

"You're never a bother to me Drevala. You know that." Lana said earnestly.

Though they had not been reunited all that long in the grand scheme of things, it was not hard for Lana to sense the stress her friend was clearly suffering under now. It quickly sparked concern in her mind. There were not a lot of things in this world that the Dragonslayer found agitating. Several plausible disastrous scenarios flickered through Lana's mind then, but she dismissed them all to focus on the present.

"Why would I hate you?" Lana asked. "You're my friend, practically my sister. You can tell me anything."

"My book. I need my book. I'll explain what I can once I have a moment with my book- will you get it for me, Lana?"

The woman whirled about with a sort of exhausted grace. As if it hadn't occurred to her to face Lana as she spoke until after she finished speaking. Her knuckles were white as she clutched the journal in her hands. She bit her lip nervously as she eyed Lana.

Naturally she could only mean one book- the only book of hers in Lana's possession.

"I... I don't know how much I can say, but I'll tell you what I can- Oh, Lana, my head spins so! I must write this down before I forget, please get the book!"

She rushed to Lana's desk and grasped around for a quill as she spoke, frantic in her actions.

Lana was somewhat taken aback by the desperation that seemed to overcome her friend. She walked to her bookshelf and without even seeming to look, picked Drevala's book out.

She spoke as she moved back towards the desk, concern filling her voice. "Drevala, what is wrong? Can I help in any way?"

She placed the book carefully on the desk, pushing the plate with her unfinished dinner to the side so as to avoid risking damage to any of the books or papers upon the large desk.

Drevala flipped through both books rapidly; diagrams of dragons, their scales, their wings- everything one could ever wish to know about the great beasts flipped before their eyes until Drevala settled on a page depicting what she referred to as the dragon's 'fire bladder'- the area of its body it stored fire to exhale as a weapon.

She then flipped open the journal she so tightly clung to, leaning over it as if trying to hide its contents from Lana, until she reached a blank page. She then began to copy her own work, detail for detail, page for page, word for word, drawing for drawing, into this new notebook.

"You...You can't help me. You can't go where I have to go. You need to be here." She said vaguely. "But I can't stay here, and you can't go. I always have to make these damnable choices, don't I?"

Lana stood back, not wanting to give the impression she was trying to catch a glimpse, but she kept her eye on Drevala, a worried look on her face.

"Drevala please. You're worrying me. Can't you tell me something? Anything? At least tell me everything is alright."

She was practically begging now. Something was very wrong with Drevala, and it disturbed her that she had not seen it earlier, and was seemingly powerless to do anything about it now.

Drevala rushed through her writing in silence for a few seconds, her fingers working quite quickly despite her earlier lulled movements. She seemed to have an incredibly desperate need to get what was on her mind down onto the paper, and wasn't about to stop and do anything until she had accomplished this goal.

Once the final stroke of the quill had scratched across the parchment, she slammed both books shut and collapsed into the chair, seemingly exhausted beyond comprehension. She lifted her hands to her face as her eyes fluttered shut and placed her fingers at her temples, massaging her head briefly as the glow of magic danced between her fingers.

"C..Can't sleep yet. Not yet."

Then her eyes opened and she gazed at Lana.

"I'll tell you what...what I think you need to know. I'm going...on a trip. I don't know when I'll be back."

Her hands seemed to naturally gravitate towards and rest on the cover of her new journal, where she danced a simple tune across the surface with her fingertips.

"I'd ask you to come with me if it weren't dangerous, and if it wouldn't be immensely time consuming. I can't say more. I can't tell you where I'm going, because you might follow me or send people after me. I can't tell you how long I'll be gone because even I don't know. But I can tell you this..."

She sighed and shut her eyes momentarily.

"Every time I sleep I see that fucking battle. Every time I go to sleep I scream at myself to make a million different decisions. But I can't change the past. Especially not with dreams and hatred. I chose you over my own flesh and blood Lana- I chose to keep you and your dreams of the collective safe rather than save my own sister."

She lifts her hands and rubs them into her eyes.

"I could have burned that entire field to ash and ended all wars for a life time. I could have ended everything there and then- no escape for Mandarass, no dangers from De Reimer, no heart break for my kin, no fucking political paranoia... But mages...Oh Lana, I would've doomed all the mages..."

She seemed to lament herself and her situation immensely.

"I couldn't do that to you- not after you confided and trusted in me like that! I... I keep telling myself that Beatrice would rather have died, that dying in battle is what she lived for... but that's a lie, a lie I keep repeating to try and still my beating heart, to build a dam for these horrid tears I keep shedding. I know Beatrice wanted to survive and face bigger and bolder challenges, that she wanted to keep getting stronger so she could do what she loved to do- fight. And I chose to let her die."

She had a sudden violent surge of emotion and she slammed both hands into lana's desk rather aggressively.

"[i]I will not choose again.[/i]" She hissed. "I will not choose between the people I love. I will not choose who lives and who dies. I will not sacrifice anyone else. I almost lost Naomi, I lost Beatrice, I won't lose you. I won't lose Eli. I won't lose anyone else.”

Her anger seemed to have given way to the sadness once more, and she clutches at her chest as if in pain.

"Lana... I need more power- more knowledge. I can protect [i]everyone[/i] if i but had more power. Why am I so weak, Lana, that I can't even use magic to protect the people I love? You were able to stop the slaughter of those you wished to protect in the riots, but I couldn't even keep my own sister alive. You saved dozens. I couldn't save one."

Lana retrieved her plate and finished her dinner, sitting on her bed in patient silence as Drevala furiously transcribed her notes. The worry was still there, but she knew that pressing the issue was futile.

When Drevala finally finished and spoke, Lana could only listen in stunned silence. Never had she seen Drevala so agitated. When it finally ended, Lana was shocked speechless. For a long moment there was silence between them while she gathered her thoughts and battled the emotions that came unbidden.

"Drevala I-" She paused as her voice cracked with emotion. Upon her breast, there was the slightest flicker of light in the crimson gem.

"I don't know what it's like to be in a battle... And I hope I never do. War is... disgusting. A mundane concept, and the most egregious of wasteful sins they have ever come up with!"

She leapt to her feet, fists clenched. There was a tone of iron in her voice, and a vibrant crimson glow from the gem. "When I am queen, you will never have to choose between people again. [i]No one will have to choose again.[/i] There will be no more war. No more Mundane squabbling. Formaroth will see true peace at last!"

Caught up in the moment, Drevala's suggestion that power would solve everything seemed so... simple. So logical.

"You are right. They have forgotten their place. With enough power, we can make them remember. We can stop the wars. Stop the killing. Protect [i]everyone.[/i] Even them."

Drevala smiled wanly. She leaned over and rested her head on the desk as Lana rambled on in her own way. It was reassuring to part of her, and to another it was sad to see someone so important to her so worked up. She shut her eyes for but a moment, which to her felt like an eternity, before she sat up once more.

"Lana, can I...No, nevermind that. That'd be dumb to bring up now of all times."

She sighed to herself and leaned back in the chair, tilting her head back so far as to gaze at Lana upside-down. She lifted her new journal up and held it up in front of her so she could gaze at it properly, leaving it upside down to Lana.

"Lana, have you ever been afraid of your own research?"

Lana was caught off guard by that question, and sat back down again, her fire waning already as the gem dimmed.

"I... No. No I have never been afraid of my research. Why should we be afraid to broaden the horizons of human magic?" Absently, her hand went to the gem on her necklace.

"The things we have discovered in the past few years... Drevala, not even the Elves of distant Beilokias can claim to have learned what we have. It is for the cowering heretic mundanes to fear magic. It is for us, to control it in all its splendor. Don't be afraid, you are one of our best." Lana's voice had taken on a more reassuring, comforting tone now. Though she had long since become lost in a tangle of thought, focused only on the moment, and her desire to reassure her friend.

Drevala smiled a bit. A somewhat more earnest smile. She righted her posture and stood up, shakily. She walked towards Lana and giggled weakly, somewhat returned to stability by Lana's reassurance.

"If you were me, you'd be scared. But you're you, and you're brave, and I'm not. At least, I'm not that brave these days."

She stood before Lana and gazed at one of her own hands as if the organ confused her.

"I really don't belong in this body. It feels sluggish, slow, weighed down by so many thoughts. I've been slipping away from it more and more."

She wriggled her fingers.

"I'd show you what has me so afraid, but... I don't know. Dragons are one thing, but what I've been working on now is...something beyond that."

"You will always come back though?" Lana said, half a statement and half a question.

She gently took Drevala's raised hand in her own. "We need you. Eli and I."

"You are braver than you think. I don't know if I could throw myself between danger and those that I wished to protect like you do." As she continued, there was a note of pleading in her voice. "But please make sure we don't lose you to this... whatever it is you are doing. I've lost so much already. I don't know what I'd do if I lost you as well."

Drevala couldn't help but smirk down at Lana. She leaned down until their faces were quiet close, an almost predatory look in her eyes as her smirk grew into a grin, her hand squeezing Lana's gently.

"Well, when you ask like that I can't very well say 'no', can I?" she said in a sweet tone, shutting her eyes and laughing softly. "Of course I'll come back Lana. I can't die after hearing your feelings like that- that'd just be inconsiderate of me."

Drevala opened her eyes again but didn't seem to intend to back out of the closeness at all. She didn't seem to comprehend personal space at the best of times, and right now was no different. She idly blew upwards, correcting a bit of misplaced and wild hair that had fallen over her face, then stared at Lana.

"...I'd very much like to share my damnation with you at the very least. I want to be selfish just this once."

She seemed to hesitate at something after saying those cryptic words, doubt flickering through her features. Fear, almost.

Lana was slightly unsure what to make of the closeness, nor the sweet tone of Drevala's voice. She let it happen all the same, even smiling at her friends casual approach to her appearance.

"After all you've been through..." Lana began sympathetically. "You have a right to be selfish on occasion. Be Selfish. I don't mind" She smiled then, to try and lighten the mood a little and reassure Drevala as her features were marred with doubt.

Drevala shut her eyes for but a second at those words, her hands idly tossing her journal to the side, before her eyes snapped open and she grabbed Lanaya's face, cupping her cheeks in the palms of Drevala's rough hands, and pulled the other woman's face towards hers and planted a deep kiss on her friend. A rough kiss, animalistic and needy. And she didn't seem intent on backing off.

Lana's eyes went wide with shock and surprise as she was drawn into a kiss. Her unthinking reaction was to meekly try to pull away, but to no avail. She suddenly became acutely aware of just how [i]strong[/i] Drevala was.

Her stunned mind went blank, and for once she had no idea what to do. She had never thought of Drevala this way, but she couldn't bear the thought of letting her down after she had inadvertently encouraged this. It wasn't unpleasant, but nor did the thought of laying with another woman inspire any enthusiasm in her.

She tried desperately to relax into it as her arms hung limp by her side. This was [i]not[/i] what she expected.

Drevala's hands strokes over Lana's face slowly, one sliding into the woman's hair and gripping it gently- so gently despite her initial roughness. Her other slid down from Lana's cheek and more softly gripped Lana's chin between a thumb and forefinger.

The initial animalism tamed by the tangible feeling of Drevala's emotion, the rough kiss becoming a soft and slow one. One that dragged on and on and on...

until Drevala broke it. She pulled away slowly, grabbed up her journal, and turned away from Lana with her eyes closed.

"...Sorry."

She mumbled, as she began to walk away.

Lana desperately wanted to enjoy the experience, to let it show in her body language so as not to hurt her friend. But no matter how she tried, she couldn't do it. She refused to try to resist, nor could she even if she wanted to.

An acute feeling of vulnerability set in as the moments ticked by.

When it was over, she staggered backwards ever so slightly, but Drevala was already turning away.

"I..." She began, but was struck speechless. What could she say now? Her body language had spoken louder than her words ever could.

Drevala didn't stop. She just walked to the door, opened it, and stepped out.

"I just have to ruin everything, don't I?" She said, mostly to herself, anger and bitterness in her voice.

Then she shut the door- quite aggressively- to Lana's room, and began to sprint away down the halls of the manor.

Lana sat heavily back down on the bed, distraught with the chaotic emotions roiling in her mind.

"Drevala... No..." She managed, barely above a whisper, as the door slammed shut. All she could do was listen to the ever more distant footsteps as Drevala fled her house, and quite possibly her life.

When the sound had stopped, she lay back where she was, tears forming in her eyes.
[/hider]

A collaborative post with [@Fading Memory]