I am so routinely disappointed in people - the collective at large in every facet - that there are times I wish I could surrender to total apathy. To have a choice in the matter, the semblance of free will even if a lie told to me. What might life be like if one were allowed to decide against instinct or ingrained predisposed behavior? What is that experience like? Is it worth it to choose? To know the answer or what should be done and go against it to fulfill the wants of the self? To even be allowed to think on it and deliberate in earnest rather than philosophical musing? I cannot say I can begin to imagine but I can say I do wish at times I did. Perhaps then I could appreciate and perhaps prove more understanding of why people fail or how despite experiencing the same issues with people time and again that I may change what I am.

Even yet, in observation I realize this would be insufficient; no amount of change on my behalf would change the human beings I need deal with, be them those addressed for seconds at a time or months to years or beyond. Yet it is still bothersome that I cannot change this aspect of my very being. That I cannot even so much as [i]choose[/i] to. I know that there are prices to be paid for every thing that is to be bought but is this one of those costs? Was one freedom sacrificed upon the altar for another, to liberate one's self from the coils of man only to pay dearly in other ways? It must be, as nothing in life is free and reasonably least of all such a power as that.

So perhaps my fantasizing that matters may more sufficiently resolve if I understood people more through experience as theirs is misplaced. Rather, I should say I too know that answer to already be a "Yes.", that what a woeful fool I am to believe even for a moment that appreciating free will would allow me to see what it is people do. For what reason would I renege? To alleviate the desire to have expectation and standard? To sympathize with those I cannot understand? To avoid the call of indifference? No, none of these things are enough and none would be. All of these things are not worth their cost; one curse traded for another.

Thus I will remain so disappointed and aghast at the way people exercise their power of choice. Full understanding, or even an appreciation of, eludes me and no amount of hopefulness - optimism I cannot bury - will dispense from me. Perhaps one day I will meet one who proves me wrong, that they excel and exceed in every hope and aspiration for or from them, but until then the fact of the matter is that I will harbor my desire to surrender to total lack of investment only to be completely incapable of choosing it - slave to nature's grandeur and terribleness I am.