[i]We’re alright.[/i] Ryan was clearly lying, and Brendon was almost angry at him for it- but then again, why would he tell the truth? Of course he wasn’t okay. Neither of them were, really. They were two people in love that for whatever reasons hadn’t seen or even spoken to eachother in almost two months. Yes, in love. Regardless of the bitterness Brendon felt towards Ryan, seeing him after such a long period of time was like standing on the seashore and being hit with a huge wave- sharp, cold and shocking, and powerful enough that he just let himself be swept away helplessly. The bittersweetness of it was an irony not lost on him. So, finding it in himself to be understanding of Ryan’s blatant lie, he just looked exasperated. [b]”Good.”[/b] He watched with a guarded expression as Ryan sat down on the carpet and played with a very excited Bogart, who was pretty much a living metaphor for Brendon’s heart right now, rapid and energetic and overwhelmed- adoring, even. Because this was his husband. He was so handsome. That said, there were clear signs in his appearance that he’d been having a rough month or so. Brendon was secretly glad it wasn’t just him suffering because of their ‘space’.

In his head, though, he had this idea of Ryan having just finally reached his limit and no longer being willing to put up with Brendon’s issues, deciding it was too much work for too little reward. The picture of a defeated and timid Ryan in front of him directly contradicted that, but- it was hard. The moment Ryan had suggested they took time apart was both terrifyingly vivid and disguised by a drunken blur- he remembered, accurately or not, Ryan breaking up with him, citing his [i]illness[/i] as the reason. The memory made Brendon shiver. That version of the story was what he told to Joey, as it was what he fully believed happened- and that explained why Joey hated Ryan so much. It was personal for him too. Joey understood much more than Ryan did in the sense that he could relate and knew how to deal with it, however heartbreaking that was for Joey himself, but what Joey didn’t understand was why Brendon got so upset sometimes, missed Ryan so much. More than he was angry, he was hurt. And jarred. If Ryan wasn’t able to cope with Brendon’s fluctuating and unpredictable health, well. He didn’t know what he was supposed to do- or didn’t want to face it.

[i]She misses you.[/i] A euphemism. [b]“I miss her, too,”[/b] He murmured, smiling fondly. It was a shame the two dogs were separated but they both needed their individual companions, he supposed, or they’d go crazy with the loneliness. [b]“I think Bogart does, as well. He clearly misses you.”[/b] A pause. He was moments away from saying that he missed him too, but decided against it in case this was a visit meant to seal the deal and break up for good, or something. [i]You look good.[/i] This was immediately met with raised eyebrows- Brendon had seen himself in the mirror, and though he definitely looked [i]better[/i], he was far from looking [i]good.[/i] [b]“You too. I love your hair being that long.”[/b] His voice was low, genuine, wavering, and trailed off with embarrassment towards the end of his sentence. He was being honest, though- clearly it was the result of Ryan neglecting himself, but it was still cute. Fucking hell, he was useless.

[i]Listen, if... if that means you're doing better here, then I just - I want you to stay as long as you need to. Okay? Even if that means you won't be back for a while, or.[/i] Or what? Brendon blinked, not sure how to feel about Ryan pretty much saying he’d be fine with them breaking up permanently. It was from good intentions but there was nothing Brendon hated the idea of more. This time apart had been good for them- he thought so anyway, as he’d gained a lot of perspective on their relationship and knew exactly what had to change- in both of them. That sounded too certain, though. Five minutes ago Brendon hadn’t even believed that Ryan would make an attempt to visit him first. [i]Anywhere where it's easier for you to get better. I understand if it's not with me - I mean, I know I'm kind of shit at this.[/i] Brendon returned his smile. He really was, but saying it proved that- and this was Ryan’s problem- he was self centred in a strangely selfless way; he thought everything came back to him and felt that his behaviour entirely dictated how Brendon coped with his illness. Unwilling to interrupt him, though, He stayed quiet.

[i]You're my priority, Bren. I never wanted to... to desert you, the way I made it seem. I just want you to be whereever you're happiest, and, and... well, based on how I handled things, I don't think that with me was the happiest place to be.[/i] [b]“You are my husband.”[/b] Brendon said, hesitating, because- no, they were still married. Of course. Unless Ryan had brought along divorce papers of some kind. [b]“You are my happy place. But Ryan- you are not a doctor. It isn’t within your ability to- cure me. You being here or not makes very little impact on my illness and I hope you understand that- being willing to take the blame for this doesn’t equate to apologising for- for leaving me.” [/b]He paused. [b]“And I haven’t forgiven you for that. You left me while I needed that kind of love and support the most.”[/b] Brendon smiled, sadly, because he didn’t really know what else to say.

This was endlessly cathartic. Brendon, in probably the clearest state of mind he’d been in for months, felt capable of at least explaining himself to Ryan on a basic level, and with all of this lifting from his chest, he felt light and free and almost [i]happy[/i] because above all he was ecstatic he was seeing his husband again, as much as he tried to suppress it. [i] Sorry, I know I won't shut up, just. What I'm trying to say is, I'm sorry for being so unhelpful through all of this, and I want you to take as long as you need, okay?[/i] There was a lot more Brendon had to explain to Ryan. And maybe it was on him for not making his role in all of this clear earlier on, but he stayed quiet because he was sick of the sound of his own voice and more than anything he just wanted a fucking hug, so he stared, hoping Ryan would get the hint; they tended to communicate somewhat telepathically anyway.

 [i]I’m so glad you look better.[/i] Brendon smiled, softly, losing all the snappiness and biting sarcasm- seeing Ryan look so small and vulnerable, mumbling more to Bogart than to him, was adorable. Brendon loved him so much, but- he felt so awkward when he thought about telling him, not sure if that was acceptable yet. He wondered if they should go somewhere else so this felt more like a a conversation between lovers who’d been apart from some time rather than an ex coming over to collect belongings. A restaurant, or something. He smiled at the idea of them going on a date as if they had only just met, politeness and gentlemanly gestures that Ryan would no doubt go overboard on to make up for his absence. He wasn’t sure if his confidence in being in places like that was quite there, yet, though- he hadn’t left the house in a long time, and never really without Joey. He let his fantasy come to a stop. [b]“I feel better, too, but. I feel like this is some kind of hospice visit. Or you’re coming to finalise a divorce.”[/b] His eyes were glittering and he flashed Ryan a grin- but he was only kind of joking.