Mitaja, who was quite enjoying the little warmth that Darin had to offer, groaned and followed the human over to the fire. She pushed her wide head under her hand, demanding pets, and purred. It was a sound like grinding stones, not the soft rumble of a barn cat.

Darin asked Ridahne if it was still as much of a nightmare as it was back then. For a long time, the elf wrestled with that answer. It wasn't so much that she had to figure out what to tell the human, nor was she trying to understand her own feelings. She knew them keenly. And for a long time it seemed like the elf wouldn't answer at all, for she sat stone-cold silent with her back resting heavy against the wall. She wouldn't look up from the floor. Finally a soft voice broke the silence. "It's different for each one." The words seemed forced, like it took great effort to push them out. "The first one...I don't have nightmares about him anymore. It still makes me shudder when I think about him. About what he did to that poor girl. About what I did to him in return. It's not that I don't care anymore it's just...that was some twenty years ago maybe. Even the ugliest wounds turn into scars eventually. Terrible to look at, but not so terrible as it once was. And I learned a lot from that day. For better or worse, I'm much more decisive now." She took a moment to drink a sip of water, but it seemed more like an excuse to prolong the silence than to get water. 

"Most of the others happened so fast. A lot of the poor fools tried to fight back, so there was never a moment to reflect. And as horrible as it is to admit, the more you do it, the less difficult it is, usually. And I've been doing it for a long time. There is no pity in my soul for the men who attacked us last night. They knew the choice they made, as did I, when we crossed blades. It was them or us."  She sighed. "I've thought a lot recently about the ones I killed by mistake. Ones that were really innocent, but because of the lies told to me, I slaughtered them. It's probably a blessing I don't know which ones they are, except one. One I know for sure. His name was Nailih, and it was he who planted the seed of doubt in me that led me to where I am. He told me Khaltira-Sol was a liar, and at the time I didn't listen to him. But over the months that followed I couldn't get the thought out of my head, and then...well, you know the rest." She looked up into the sky, a glimmer of tears in her eyes, and spoke in Azurian. "Nailih, I hope I've done you right. Be at rest." 

There was another long, slow, heavy silence. Then, "Consider it a blessing you did not know his name. Right now you're thinking about who he was beyond his mission to kill you. You want to know what sort of life you destroyed. It's better you don't know, Darin. It doesn't sound like good advice right now, but I know it to be true." Her lip trembled. "It's so much worse when you know that they like to dance. When you know that their favorite scent is lavender, or that even though they're stony and aloof on the outside, they whisper sweet words to their horse each night. When you know that they hoped to marry. And you know these things because they told them to you, their friend. Khaltira-Sol earned her death, and her successor was already showing signs of being just like her. But Takhun..." 

Ridahne's throat clamped up a little, and she held her breath to keep from hitching a sob lest it disturb her wounds. She let it go in a slow, controlled exhale, but the sniffle that followed betrayed her. "I do have nightmares about him. And how I lured him into the lavender gardens that night." She looked up at Darin finally, her amber eyes searching for Darin's. "My dear Darin, you might feel like the worst person in all of Astra right now, but the magnitude of your sins will never rival the things I've done. And if I am deserving of love and forgiveness despite these things, then so are you. I'm not the right person to teach you about self-forgiveness, for I have yet to learn it myself. But it will get easier, I promise you. But you will not forget it, and you will learn from the experience in some way or another. You'll remember the important parts, the things that will be useful to you in shaping your own character. But the sheer horror will fade. And I hope this is never something you have to face again."