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[i]I have seen true evil in this world. I know that it exists, and that beholding it in its truest form will leave a man changed forever. I have looked into its eyes, peered into its gaping maw as it swallowed me whole, and I have lived in it for longer periods than I care to confess. Yet I find myself able to live with knowing that in some instances evil has been upon me so quickly, so completely, that coexisting with it is the only way that I could have survived those coldest of nights. 

But what I cannot release myself from is those moments when evil took my hand in its own wicked claw, and I allowed it to lead me down the darkest of paths, even against my own screaming internal protests. We do not fail to execute on our objectives, we do not fail to accomplish the mission no matter the cost, even if the cost is one piece of our humanity at a time, until we are lost forever.
 
I have escaped that final eventuality. In my experience with Variants and their struggle to find a place in normal society, I have slowly begun to rely on what I once knew-that I have always known- to be right and wrong. There can be no more compromise with evil. It must be destroyed, Variant or human, just as those doing good must be upheld and protected. I believe that there is light yet left inside of me somewhere. However, my fear is that I do not possess the courage to embrace it.

S.A.[/i]

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Alpha Team threw all of their gear into the cage in the team room and slammed the doors closed; the days training was over. They finished changing into civilian clothes and gathered their things to leave, ready to take advantage of a little rest and relaxation before the alarms sounded again.
 
“You guys been following the news?” Richard asked as he finished getting his things together. “Those N.O.V.A. assholes got all the credit for busting that fucking Variant.” He shook his head, the unforgettable feeling of being unnaturally blinded by the thing playing through his mind.

“What do you think, boss?” he then said to Sebastian stroking his beard. “Alpha One should have been on all the late night shows after [i]that[/i] one.”

“I’m not worried about it,” Sebastian said flatly as he started putting his personal things away. “We did what we had to do.”

Richard scoffed. “Well, you’d be a shitty interview, anyway, if that’s all you have to say about it. You ever gonna grow a personality?” he joked.

He looked at his watch suddenly.  “Damn. I gotta get going before the wife starts bitching.”

But the team already knew that this was just tough-guy talk; they were all aware of how head-over-heels in love with his wife the man was, and that he could not wait to go running home to her every day.

“Better get moving, then,” Michael said with a grin. “I’ll walk you out. I’m getting together with my girlfriend tonight.”

“Which one?” Cameron asked throwing a used towel at him.

Michael swatted it away. “Both of them, if I’m lucky,” he replied with a wink and a toss of his freshly washed hair, drawing laughter from his teammate. He and Richard headed out of the room to begin their respective festivities.

Cameron stood with his pack slung over one shoulder, watching Sebastian take his time packing up and making sure that everything was neatly placed in his backpack. There was no humor on the man’s face, only the quiet reservation that seemed to persist at all times. 

“You should come out with us,” he stated adjusting his thin glasses.

Sebastian glanced over his shoulder briefly before returning to his pack. “Maybe some other time.”

It was the anticipated response. Sebastian had not been seen by the team outside of being on missions since they all started.

Cameron and Sebastian had become friends since they began working with the SRHRT, or as close to being friends as they could be for only ever seeing each other when it was go time. It was clear that the Alpha Team leader endured a different level of conviction for the life he left behind to work for the FBI, and it saddened him.

“Listen,” Cameron said walking over to his teammate. “I don’t presume to understand what it is that you’re going through. Hell, we’ve all been in the shit more times than we can count. I get that you went deeper than the rest of us. You Delta guys are spooky.”

“What’s your point?”

Cameron sighed. “My point is that secluding yourself in that apartment of yours, staring at the four walls, is only going to drive you deeper into whatever hell you’re still living in. You want to take care of Stephanie, I get it. She’s a good girl and she’s proud of you. But you’re no good to anyone until you can look at yourself in the mirror again.”

With no reply forthcoming from Sebastian, Cameron headed out, leaving him alone in the team room.

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The evening bustle of Midtown was in full effect, lit up and alive. People were walking along the sidewalks, coming in and out of bars and small eateries along the way.  The traffic was busy and loud, its usual commotion, filled with drivers going home or heading to more relaxing destinations to escape the chaos of the inner city.

Sebastian noticed none of it as he walked aimlessly through it all, both hands in his jeans pockets and looking at the ground. He was a ghost to all who passed by, and they were but phantoms harmlessly surrounding him as he headed to no destination in particular. He did not know what had possessed him to venture out onto such an excursion in the first place.

Perhaps it was Cameron’s words still echoing in his head from earlier that day. The former Special Forces weapon sergeant had a way of doing that to him. Sebastian couldn’t decide if he was grateful or irritated by that fact.  The impact was greater this time because he had brought his sister into it, which Cameron had identified as the best way to try to get through to him.

A buzzing in his pocket, then, and Sebastian felt a sense relief come over him at the thought of being called back into action. But the feeling was short-lived as he realized it was just a text on his civilian phone. He stopped at the corner of a busy intersection, zipped his black hoodie up against the chilly breeze, and swiped his screen open.

It was Stephanie.

[b][Are you working?][/b]

For a split second Sebastian considered telling her that he was, but he knew he could never lie to her.

[b][No][/b]

[b][You’re avoiding me. Haven’t seen you in weeks.][/b]

[b][Been busy.][/b] 

[b][But I miss you…  :-( ][/b]

Sebastian looked away from the text and glanced around at the busy city, trying to think of how he could possibly respond to that statement by his sister. Of course he had been avoiding her. It had been many years since they last saw each other before he returned to New Haven. The person that she remembered was simply not there anymore, and he did not want her to ever have to know about the things that had transpired during his long absence, or to get to know the person that it had left behind. He kept their encounters brief-coffee here, breakfast there-just enough for him to see that she was happy and safe.

At length, he said the same thing that he always did, because, as always, he just did not know what else to say:

[b][Soon.][/b]

He jammed his phone back into his pocket, gritting his teeth, and decided that he had enough excitement for one night.