"Mom, I..." Alina's voice hitches. The air in her mouth tastes bitter. It steals down her throat and fills her lungs like smoke, swirling and twisting and seeping deeper and deeper inside of her as it fills her insides with a sick and awful sensation of being full of something prickly and cold. She can feel her stomach drop, then turn. Then after that, her skin comes alive with a burning sensation that she knows without being told is called shame. She can't get the words out. And what's more, she won't. "I know." she finishes instead, because she has to say something. Because the alternative is looking scared and needing Mommy and that's the opposite of what has to happen right now. Be strong, Alina. She reaches up and takes her mother's hand. Her hand, but not her burdens. Not her worries. Certainly not her crown. It should be such a simple thing, the duty of a daughter and especially of a Princess-Promised. But just thinking about saying the words makes her skin crawl, makes her feel like vomiting. She can't. She can't! And she won't! Alina sits up, which is difficult under all the blankets and sisters and her mother trying gently to keep cradling her head, but she rises with perfect grace anyway. Like this, the pair of them are nearly equal. Alina's lips are pressed together tightly. Her face is strained. She stares into her mother's deep green eyes with an intensity that reaches through to her core, and for the moment doesn't care how much her Mommy stares back and sees the crystals she views the world through now. It's better for her to know. It's better she ask the questions here and now. And if she says nothing, then... Alina needs to know. If that's still really Mommy she's looking at. Her long and tumbling lavender hair is just the same. Her perfect brow, her nose, her daughter-kissing lips, the way she keeps her head raised high even when she's obviously tired, it's all the Halcyon that Alina remembers. The woman she idolizes. But the eyes. The eyes are... they're, they're... she doesn't know how to shape the thought. Mommy's eyes are carrying something extra that they should never ever have. There is love in there, and kindness, laughter, and the deep wisdom of someone you'd trust to carry a kingdom on her graceful shoulders, but there's something else besides. Unnatural fatigue, and... and a, a shock even bordering on terror. And a hope that makes Alina sick to see. She knows that hope. That's the ugly, nasty, childish hope that turned Alina's entire body to crystal, almost forever. 'I hope that someone else will do this thing. I hope she'll take my place, and let me rest. I just want to rest. Didn't I do enough? Didn't I?' Alina's face softens. She smiles at her mother, and turns to look out the window. "The... the sun's really pretty this morning, isn't it Mom? I bet it'll be much warmer today." There are tears beading up against her eyes. Alina blinks them away, and watches through the window with a determination she doesn't understand. It's early in the day, hardly even time for breakfast, but already she can see dozens of Illuminans out and working, trying to clean snow off of the glass roads, or picking up pieces of broken tools and treasures, or diligently counting heads and trying to figure out who is missing. Alina knows, the answer is too many. The tears stream down her face without caring how often she moves to wipe them away. She stops trying after only a moment. She knows. Without being told, she knows. This is her last big adventure. She's going to have to apologize to Kazelia: there's not going to be a Great Jedadi Heist. Work restoring the castle alone would take months, maybe even years, and there's an entire country just as broken beyond that. More, even. It's got nothing to do with being a Queen or a Princess, this is her home. These are her people. This is her place. If Oberon and Eska weren't still lurking in the shadows with Adila and Dandy in their clutches and the threat of the Caduceus hanging over the world, she might not even be willing to leave this time. Her mind drifts back to Feloria and the company who had so fiercely defended her from herself before that night in the lashing rains. Their silly little circus and the delight they brought to children's faces simply by believing their Princess still shined for them. The word would be out soon. Would they hear it? Would they learn that Illumina was calling out to them again? And if they did, would they come? Would they bring their brave smiles and invincible hopes back to their struggling homeland, or would they choose to stay among the flowers and plenty they'd already run to? Did they want to rest? Like Mommy did? No. They would rush straight back. And if Alina wasn't there to welcome them, then... she'd die of shame right immediately, wherever she happened to be at the time. On the windowsill, Alina finds a little guest. The first starling she's seen in years hops on its little bird feet and trills the first few hopeful notes of Spring. "Look, Mom!" She's not keeping her voice down anymore. There's an irritated grunt from Jessamine, and Freesia is running fingers through her hair with a worried look on her face, but Alina carries on without acknowledging either of them, "I love starlings, don't you? Y-you know... their song saved Jessamine. They brought her back to us from an awful spell, just them and the sun. You have to make sure to tell them thank you, ok?" Jess isn't glowering anymore. She's sitting up on the bed and listening so intently you'd think her life depended on it. If it weren't for that lullaby, and Ourania's miracle, could they still be a family today? Brave, stupid Jess ran right back into the most dangerous place on earth because someone had to save Mommy. Alina hadn't done it. She'd run. She'd run just like she was told, and... There are hugs and tears enough to fill this little room this morning. Alina squeezes tighter and sobs harder than anyone. Mommy could have fought him. She could have arrayed her precious daughters against the evil king and made him claw and scrap for every inch of Illuminan soil. She had Gold, she had her daughters and her knights and all of Alina's rainbow sisters, and her own adjutants besides. If they'd fought, really, honestly fought... maybe they would even have won. Maybe they could have matched Oberon's monstrous daughters and his armies and his treasures and stopped him from ever getting a foothold in Hyperborea. Maybe... But then, maybe not. Mommy made the braver play by far. She tried to take all of the risk onto herself, without putting a single precious treasure in harm's way. She trusted her daughters to find themselves and be the biggest, strongest, bravest girls and fix whatever she couldn't stop from breaking. That's why she hid Gold. She... Mommy was so brave. She was so strong. The greatest Queen Illumina's ever had, better than Marina or even Aurora who tamed the Roc. If she gave up now, it'd... Alina's tears burn hot on her cheeks. No! NO! She can't say the words! And she [i]won't[/i] say the words! Even with a heart full of ice, that's still her Mommy! Taking her burden right now won't make her happy! It won't make her better! So she... so she... she... she can't, ok? That's why the words won't come out. Because her Mommy is the bravest and most beautiful woman Illumina has ever had on its throne, and she deserves a happier ending than for her daughter to help the ice inside her freeze forever. Her hand brushes against her mother's soft, pale cheek. She lifts herself up to plant the warmest of kisses on Mommy's forehead, where he crown and her Gold should be shining right this second. "Don't worry, Mommy. I'm going to fix it, ok? I'm going to fix everything..."