Hidden 4 yrs ago Post by Crusader Lord
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Crusader Lord A professional, anxiety-riddled, part-time worker

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@Crosswire What about my OC? :O
Hidden 4 yrs ago Post by Jarl Coolgruuf
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Jarl Coolgruuf The Mellower

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@Crosswire Ooooh I like the shock weapon idea

Alright, that should take care of everything and thanks for everything you saud both criticism and compliment.
Hidden 4 yrs ago Post by Crosswire
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Crosswire

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@Crusader LordShe's accepted.

@Jarl CoolgruufDannie and Recompense are ACCEPTED! Excellent work.
2x Thank Thank
Hidden 4 yrs ago 4 yrs ago Post by Phoenix347
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Phoenix347 Complete Rando

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Hidden 4 yrs ago Post by Crosswire
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@Phoenix347
Her left arm has been completely replaced with a custom arm from Lsect as a gift from Arthur with a gleaming black surface of nanocarbon, it houses a taser along the forearm as well as connection wires leading straight to her implant for easy access.

Immediate issue out of the gate. I don't understand why Alice would receive a customized cybernetic arm _from_ Arthur if it came from L-Sect. If Alice works for L-Sect or has connections with them, then she should have just gotten the arm from them herself. Its not like they'd charge money if she's working as their agent. Plus L-Sect isn't some company Arthur can just get stuff from. They're a secretive research group that supplies cybernetics to the whole of Luna, which are looked down on as being taboo.

I was immediately set to receive cybernetics to replace them, I'm lucky my family had so much held away over the years to afford it.


Another HUGE mistake and a clear misunderstanding of the setting. Cybernetics do not cost money for Lunites. At least basic implants. All Lunite children receive neural implants at birth after all and any lunite who receive injuries, lose limbs, organs, etc will receive cybernetic implants from L-Sect without charge. This is why L-Sect is so well regarded by Luna despite being so secretive. They provide an incredible service to the people and allow them to live their lives despite the difficulties and dangers that come from their work.
I saw it as my goal to be employed with a cybernetics company on Luna. I worked hard to receive high marks and early graduation to ensure I was a prime candidate for employment.

...Phoenix, did you just not read the setting information? Cybernetics are TABOO. No one outside of Luna uses them and they are actively looked down on by Martians. L-Sect is the only real maker and provider of cybernetics, and they're not some company. I listed them in the 'manufacturers' section but only because they do produce things just not for traditional sale.

Overall Alice's backstory is deeply flawed and doesn't make sense due to a clear misunderstanding of the setting lore. Even besides that though its bland and pretty banal overall all. Alice has no interesting elements to her life or motivations outside of getting a job it seems. The way you have her written now makes her more suited to being a secretary NPC then any kind of meaningful character.

The only thing I can suggest is a complete rewrite. The character picture you chose is nice but everything else just falls flat.

Hidden 4 yrs ago Post by Crosswire
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Hidden 4 yrs ago Post by Crosswire
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@Phoenix347Just looked over the revisions you made to Alice. You did a great job on improving things. Alice's background feels more lively and fleshed out, as does her overall role in things. Alice is ACCEPTED! Feel free to post her in the character section now.
Hidden 4 yrs ago Post by ArmorPlated
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ArmorPlated

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Still open to new arrivals, or did I miss the train on this one? I suspect I have at least a decent character concept.
Hidden 4 yrs ago Post by Phoenix347
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@ArmorPlated
Nope, we're still accepting to my knowledge. Feel free to jump onto the discord provided by our gracious host Crosswire and talk to us there if you need any help!;
discord.gg/FTxjbs
Hidden 4 yrs ago Post by ArmorPlated
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ArmorPlated

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@Phoenix347It says Invite Invalid. I tried the link dropped a few months ago, but even permanent discord links seem to expire.
Hidden 4 yrs ago Post by Phoenix347
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Huh. Weird. Try this one?
discord.gg/yaySdB
Hidden 4 yrs ago 4 yrs ago Post by ArmorPlated
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1x Like Like
Hidden 4 yrs ago Post by Crosswire
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Crosswire

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@ArmorPlatedScott and the Faust COOL-Te are accepted!
Hidden 4 yrs ago 4 yrs ago Post by Phoenix347
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