19.03.2020

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pgN-vvVVxMA

It was the summer of 2018. As if it was plenty years ago? It was only 2 years but let me tell you this story. Cos my life is full of stories and none of them make sense but they all hit so real.

I was at a christian summer camp. This one was stiff necked and i was being bullied by the officers for having a runaway 3 year old. My mum was offering the littlest help at all and i wasn't given any room to socialise with peers my own age.

I'd just come back from Majoca where i had horse ridden on beaches and had drunken nights jumping waves. One night i took a young dude by the hand who met me on the shore. I waded him out round buoys fully clothed while he talked about his dad just having died. My friend accused me of kissing him out there. But i didn't. I took him by the hand and waded him into the sea. I want that back. 

But it wasn't Majorca Spain any more. It was this tent in the middle of a packed campsite of hundreds of people all ages and i was now more alone than ever. I began to feel excruciatingly suicidal. I told my mum that i was close to doing something stupid. I made a deal with God one of those nights while i was weeping quietly into my sleeping bag. I said to Him that He would have to drag me through and that i was gonna give up. That i wasn't gonna be moral any more. That i wasn't gonna give a fuck any more. I was gonna shut down and go off the rails. It would be up to Him to keep me alive. I was ready to finish it. I was so alone. 

And then this drunk idiot was dragged past my tent whether that night or another. All i heard was "mate is that where the fuckin MILF lives?"

I swear i don't even know how we got talking. I don't remember the first moment. I do remember maybe talking to his best friend first, who was the nephew of a devout older couple there on camp. That best friend was an even bigger idiot. One of those clumsy chancers in life who always comes up trumps and has a crackin smile. So this pure looking young adolescent hung out with goofbangs and somehow we got acquainted. He was so quiet in person but his stare penetrated me. He was incredibly tall, and pale. He had these massive hazel coloured eyes. His hair was dark and cut to an exact to reveal the purest jawline. He had a clumsy posture too whenever he felt uncomfortable out his zone, but as soon as he'd stand straight he transformed into someone so powerful just at the flex of his spine.

He took my number and the texts began to flow. He showered me with compliments. He was only 18? 19? He was into me and i couldn't figure out why. I mean i know i was fit with a tan from the island but i was sullen and i kept away from most people. He bore in and wanted to know more. We'd pass by each other in the fields and pretend we didn't know each other, but he was asking more and more every time in messages. He grew affectionate. It was about the most unexpected romantic shit i had ever encountered. We'd still pass by each other and i wouldn't talk to him with any more discrimination than the other boys he was with, and i'd talk to him equally as any other i'd speak to on camp. But it wasn't the few words i said that gave him reassurance. It was the way i'd see him checking his phone often, and then if i looked up, i'd notice him waiting by the marquee, just so i could pass by. So i would. And the eye contact would be enough to make anyone else sick with love.

So he took me to a secluded place. Or rather i asked if we could be as hidden as possible. Just as i had walked the first boy into the water, i walked this young man through an incredibly thin path with tall grasses our height either side, to a style gate, and just past it to a large tree. We were surrounded by forest, on a hill called "Castlehead". 

He reached out with his hands and said "com' ere". He had a lancashire accent. Think north england. Think eldest stark brother. He held me to him, and we began to kiss. We were besotted. His shirt was the whitest cotton and there seemed to be endless expanses of it. I really do still love him to this day. I want him to become a christian so i can meet him in heaven. I don't want him to die without me coming to him.

He held me against him and we kissed up against that tree. I felt him swell and i caressed his monochrome lines. His sweetness mingled with obsession... that pure delight he showed won me over. I took him back and we felt this danger from then on, of not being able to hide things as well. I'd be ostracised by the whole camp i i went open with him. I was already a single mum. And i was 31 at the time.

He came more into the circles after that. He ate with people once, and he joined me at a games table for us to do drawing challenges. I just made the game up but there was something about it which became spiritual. Someone challenged everyone at the table to draw an elephant. I was surprised at how good we all were, and i picked a random passer by to judge. He exclaimed that they were his favourite ever thing, and he took great delight in looking at them all. Then picked mine. I was slightly embarrassed to be the winner. So i said... i challenge us all to draw... the perfect circle. We all did the same thing. We swung our pens round the page in the fastest synchronicity our wrists could allow, but they all looked off. 

Then this boy, the pure pale boy, placed his hand on the page, holding his pen down, and rotated the page in a perfect circle. I was embarrassed again this time that he was the winner. There was something going on between us. I remember writing a note to him. Saying to open the next one. And i don't remember what was in the one lying beside it. But he kept it in his wallet for months after. So i must have written something bold.

We couldn't take our eyes or minds off each other. And i still miss him.

I'm trying so hard in life. I should keep trying, just to be worthy of his smile those years ago. Still to be worthy of that smile back in time.

We couldn't get away together because i had my kid every second of the day. It was getting more frustrating, and it was obvious as the days went by that i favoured his group above the shallow proselytes who made up the rest of the camp. One afternoon i broke away from a walk with my mum and her friends, to take a breather at the pier. I had asked for some time to just have alone.

I'd messaged him to meet me there. I was so worried that he wasn't turning up. But before i knew it we were sitting together as if we were on a throne for all to see. I'd bought 2 bags of duck food and we fed these things at the end of a pier that felt really stretched out away from other people. We were amazed by these ducks as they'd swim so elegantly, diving under the water for ages without taking a breath. We watched their shimmery feathers and laughed. The ice was breaking a little letting us sit in public. I wanted to kiss him but still didn't like the prying eyes of others. So we sought a private place again. We found this absolutely trashed old stone shed along the shore. It was a tip, and we went behind it and didn't even care. We just touched each others faces and silhouettes. The sunlight streamed in and hit his face so crystal clear in strips. His eyes were so vibrant and precious. I loved every moment. I lifted his shirt to see what was going on underneath it. I'd seen little flecks of his stomach before and i was sold. 

I was in shock.

The bottom of what looked like beads lead up as i lifted, to reveal a full rosary tattoo with praying hands, and a nipple piercing above. I was struck. This boy was so badass. I did NOT see that coming. He lifted me so easily to straddle him on the wall even though i felt i was chuncky and bucksome. He laughed and said "I'm strong babeh. I'm a labourer." I felt so chill in his flex and was ready for anything else between us. I could see how senior pensioner hikers were being disturbed by passing us by, getting a nasty fright by discovering us one after the other time and again in passing. But i just wanted this boy for as long as i could have time alone with him. We had a solace.

Back on camp we wanted to get into each others pockets. He was always called away by his friends for cook outs up the hill, and to go to the pub. On the friday night i went to the pub with him after begging my mother for release on the last night. She had no idea i was going with him. I gave my kid to her and broke free. I went to that place and got tipsy with him and his friends. That goof i had told you about was really stressed cos his girlfriend had just been involved in a car accident and was getting screws put in her broken spine. There was this over all sizzling tension of some kind. We're clever people you know. I felt the way i'd respond to them as they spoke, like i had respect and they appreciated me. And this young guy would squeeze my hand harder against his leg if he felt a pinch of jealousy. 

We laid together in my tent skin to skin in the early hours of that morning. I knew there would have been people just itching to listen in so to gossip about me the next day. I'm sure i overheard it too. But it was worth it to feel him. To let him enter me even if just for a little while. We'd been in my tent half clothed a few times before, just touching each others bodies like they were gold. I'd machine gun kisses up his neck and cheek and he'd topple me over and pin me down. It was too good. But this last night was so so quiet. Just us feeling the reality of how we were going to be ripped apart.

So i said goodbye to him and we messaged for months. Sexts and pics and i love you all the day every day in messages. It lasted till i finally managed to visit his town in October. I fucking flew down, booked a whole apartment, bought victorias secret and gave him full notice of all this happening. 

At first he was so pleased to have me back in his arms. The way he came in the door of my apartment just to grab me and show me that same smile i knew so well and had waited for for months through shared tears, blushes. laughter and open desire.

But something really shitty was getting in there too. His friends were really immature. They wanted a gaff party and just ruined things for our privacy. And he didn't learn the first time. It was like me with the duck food. You set up the scene this time. Why do i need to breaking the ice in your damned town? He never took me out. Why was he trying so hard to get along with my ideas when really he could have just been the one to take MY hand for once. I wanted to dance with him in the same clubs he'd shown me in all his messages. I would have danced for him like an angel. It was something we had in common. Rhythm. I need a guy to take me by the hand and wade me in the water.

He let his friends ruin the privacy between us. He never even saw the victoria secret. I was a bombshell. I had a platinum bob and massive boobs and all i wanted was him and yet he just seemed under pressure from other people without telling them to get to. It got him in a bad mood and he didn't snap out of it. So i got quizzy. I was asking him why i was waiting about for most the afternoon for him just to come round. Why he had to go home when he could stay overnight no problem. He did only one night and the sleep was bad and the sex was committed but cold. He never explained what was going on. It really hurt. By the end of things i felt like so much had been missed out. It should have been me and him against the world.

About 2 weeks later it was over. A week after i was home he was quieter on me, and i didn't know what to do so i let him breathe. I was trying to make sense of him and what had just happened. The fucking weekend after i'd come home he was shoving up photos left right and centre on his social media of this absolutely wild and amazing night out at a rave. He was happier than i'd seen him in months. He looked so earthy and natural and happy from the inside. He was radiating again. But i can't... still can't understand why he waited to do that without me when i begged to be part of it. It broke me.

And then the weekend after came some drunk social media spills of accidental private messages. He had a love bite on his neck and he was sipping on a late night soda in an open joint after another club night. The message was intended for another girl. I had to piece together how and when it happened. I figure... i only go with what i can understand, and that is that he must have met her shortly after i left. I don't understand why the pure boy i met on camp, who bore himself to me, and nearly ate my soul for being so hungry for it every time i exposed another piece, could turn away from me so rapidly for no apparent reason. Out of nowhere. I was so beautiful looking by this point. I didn't have the inside pain of the summer.. but he kinda brought it back to be honest. I couldn't believe it.

I messaged him for an explanation and he wanted to keep it as short as possible. "I've found someone else i'm sorry".

It just made no sense. But none of my life does. I've had other strange encounters i could easily tell you all about. I still love my young man. He told me he loved me for months all day long. I saw how much he meant it by his eyes. So something must have been going on inside that he didn't tell me about. And the pull of his friends and family had something to do with it. 

I hope heaven is him at the end of the pier