[quote=@rebornfan320]



[hider=Cinder Sagestone]
Name: Cinder Sagestone

[b]Gender:[/b] Male

[b]Appearance Age:[/b] 21

[b]Race:[/b] Half-Elf

[b]Rank/Occupation:[/b] Adventurer/Battlemage

[b]Height:[/b] 6'0”

[b]Weight:[/b] 200 lbs

[b]Hair Color:[/b] Black

[b]Eye Color:[/b] Brown

[b]Marital Status:[/b] Single

[b]Astrological Sign:[/b] Virgo

[b]My first note is that while I personally don’t tend to over format my sheets, just using the bold tags on a sheet gives it enough of an organisational touch that makes it easier on the eye, and quicker to pick out the relevant information. You’ll see that I’ve also moved some things around in this version. Try to list the core information at the top - and almost list in order of importance. As a GM, when I look at a character sheet, at a glance before I get to reading, I like to know the gender, age, and race (genre specific), and perhaps their role/job/class. That’s all. Unless it’s very core to the roleplay, the rest of the information doesn’t need to be listed. Height/Weight/Eye Colour/Hair Colour can all be written in the appearance section -- and their relationship status can be hinted at in the background. Just my opinion, however! :) [/b]

[b]General Appearance:[/b] Cinder is a fair skinned young man with an athletic slim build with a fair amount of muscle but not too stocky believing brains over braun. He has short black hair that reaches only to the edge of his neck and brown eyes that still have the passion of life and knowledge in them. His ears do have a small point in them showing his elven blood in his body. When he is resting or at an inn or town walking around he could be seen in blue enchanted magical robes with a mage hood with modified shoes and a sword on him but on his travels he wears light armor that covers him and his face that are also enchanted with various effects.

[b]General Personality:[/b] Cinder is generally a practical, observant, and helpful person while also logical. He wants to be dependable to those that needs help and will be honest to those that seek his help or wisdom. He's gentle and sympathetic to those that earn it showing his caring side as well wanting to treat people equally. His patience in life is also a positive in battle because he knows things take time but he does daydream of what he wants in the future, due to his love for books he is punctual and expects that from other people and this also helps to win over people though he doesn't see that sometimes.
At times, he can be impatient with certain things and this is due to what he wants in the future while wanting to be on equal footing with everyone.

He also hides a witty side to himself and is a general good listener as he would rather solve things peacefully over fighting. He treats people equally despite their class and is a kind soul wanting to help people in need.

[b]Bio (shortened):[/b] Cinder was born premature to a human mother and an elven father. Despite the birth he lived on and he was able to live and have a normal life despite being a late bloomer at some things. When he was 4 he discovered he learned differently than most. At the age of 7 his elven father left him and his mother to find his uncle though later in life would resent him for this choice. When he was 8 he had protected a friend and discovered then his magic lineage, his mother didn't want him to learn magic but he did so in secret with books and from his human grandmother and great-grandmother while teaching himself. As time went on his human mother went to have three more kids with two different men but being the oldest he has taken the older role model of the family as he would soon go leaving the house to find a place so they can see him after leaving wanting excitement and adventure in his life over boredom.

[b]I know that this is a shortened bio, but there are a lot of points brought up that I would like you to expand on because it would add detail to the character, and help me understand him more. Questions that I have are; how was he a late bloomer? How was he learning differently? How did being a half-elf affect him growing up? What was the incident with the friend? This one I feel might be the most important part of his history because his discovery of his magic followed and that’s obviously a huge part of him. That story deserves to be told in the sheet :) How does Cinder feel about his siblings?[/b]

[b]Skills:[/b] He is ambidextrous with one-handed weapons, able to enchant weapons and armor. He is a quick learner when it comes to spells, battle and even the usage of new weapons. A polite talker and at times a witty one too he is considerate of other people's views. Despite no formal training he is a gifted one-handed warrior, enchanter, magic user, talker and even a good archer (would only use it when needed). He also has hand-to-hand combat experience. He is able to remember faces of people he knows and sees.
[b]I would scale back on some of his skills. In fact I might take out half of those, and keep only a few. It’s great and all to write a capable character, but there’s complexity and nuance in a character who does less, or specialises. He has had no formal training, and he is young (21) -- my suggestion to you would be to take some of this out, unless you can back up certain things like his archery in a backstory (i.e he hunted for necessity to eat and feed his siblings, since he took on a patriarchal role for them.)[/b]

[b]Strengths:[/b] One handed skill with a sword, various forms of magic like elemental, summoning, protection, healing and illusion. (this is his order of using magic though it depends on the situation.) He can make potions and poisons but prefers potions to help himself and others. He can enchant weapons and armor with magic.

[b]Again, I would scale back the magic. It’s a challenge when you have limited resources for a character and makes for much more interesting writing and scenarios, in my opinion :) Summoning in particular is such a heavy use of magic in most mediums. If you’re going to include this as a skill you need to go in depth and explain it, what he summons, the tolls it takes. One technique you could use is that he’s an elemental mage with a stronger connection with X element. For example, earth elemental magic could present as protection and shielding, water as healing, fire as offensive destruction and air as some kind of mix. Be creative with it! Don’t be afraid to really push the bar when you niche down.[/b]

[b]Weaknesses:[/b] His fear of big dogs can make him at times not as responsive, he is also prone to the darkness and anger within him. His pacifist can make him appear not as forward to others or willing to kill in a fight.

[b]These don’t feel too much like weaknesses so you should expand -- what does an overuse of magic do to him? If he is to have so many spells and skills, there has to be a cost for it to make him more balanced :) [/b]

[b]Positive Traits:[/b] Loyal, logical, down-to-earth, patience, skilled worker, helpful, aware spiritually, respectful and attentive. Polite. Honorable along with peaceful, loves life

[b]Negative Traits:[/b] repeats things sometimes when angry, prone to anger. Lazy at times while having a disinterest in boredom. Impatient at times.

[b]Just as I mentioned before, a lot of these can be written in the personality section. A good way I do my own sheets is to start with lists like this, and then pick certain bits out to expand on and flesh out the sections :) A good technique is to write it like “Cinder is very loyal, logical, and down to earth - but when x y z happens he is prone to anger.” So, write a positive trait, and follow it with a contrasting, negative trait.[/b]

[b]Likes:[/b] Books, reading, magic, traveling, helping, peace, a battle (due to his adrenaline kicking in when peace does not work), games, sports, cats, honor, respect, having his side looked at and heard.

[b]Dislikes:[/b] Conflict, dishonorable people or actions, dogs, his anger, thieves.

[b]Habits:[/b] When embarrassed he shyly looks away, at times picky when it comes to food, tends to say 'you don't understand' when his side is not being received the way he expects it to be. When he feels off-balance he will meditate somewhere quiet. And at times he has a tendency to talk to himself.

[b]Habits could really be brought into the personality section, instead of listed somewhere else. You can also expand on them -- what, for example, would embarrass Cinder? I’m interested in that because it’s a nice touch that humanises him, and shows that he’s also got a vulnerable side that might pop up throughout the roleplay.[/b]

[b]Goals:[/b] To be understood and accepted well by people, and to earn what everyone has like love and to live a legacy for future people to know and remember.

[b]Sexual Orientation:[/b] Straight

[/hider]

[/quote]

[i]Individual Notes in sheet*[/i]

[@rebornfan320] *warm hugs*

First of all, I like your sheet -- and the effort you’ve made is clear. That said, overall the sheet feels very [i]undercooked[/i], and quite surface level -- and by that, I mean it still, to me, feels more like the first draft while you work through a concept for a character. That’s not a bad thing at all, by the way. You’re halfway there, to repeat a phrase I’ve been using an awful lot -- you just need to add the seasoning and bring everything together :) 

When I’m trying to develop a character a bit, I think about the roleplay I’m applying for. I try to think up scenarios that are likely to happen, and then think of what my character would do. I think about what would frighten them, what kind of person they are likely to get along with, and who they may not. 

I’d also suggest that you be conscious of the layout of your sheet; a good way to think of your sheet is that it's like the resume for your character. List the basic info - Name/Age/Race/Job first of all, then a paragraph on appearance with a picture too if you have one, a section for personality, and a section for background/history. These are the core sections of your sheet so don’t bury them under other information. 

I would challenge you to keep at this sheet -- look at some of the questions I’ve jotted down in the notes, and see if you can answer them. Sometimes leaving a sheet or piece of writing to sit for a few days is super helpful - it allows us to look back with fresh eyes and that’s often how I take something that I thought was good, and make it into something that is much better. That has really been the best way I’ve developed my own writer’s voice, tone, and style.

Think about my feedback, and take another chip at it because I’d love to see the Cinder sheet again when you’ve had another go! Awesome stuff Reborn <3