Sometimes it was frustratingly hard to tell whether or not Ryan cared about Brendon as much as Brendon cared about Ryan. You see, he knew how different they were, and that this would affect how they’d communicate, but Brendon was so much more emotionally available that he often doubted. He knew he was cared about, and loved. But not to what extent and his own unstable self esteem and need to be [i]told[/i] things often overcame the trust and closeness they had built up- because that’s what it came down to, seeing as Ryan was still closed off despite progress, faith that sentiments were returned and affection felt. This wasn’t all to say that Brendon [i]didn’t[/i] believe him on the rare occasion that he did say what he thought, how he felt. He just struggled with holding onto it in the stretches of time where Ryan would barely even look his way.

That was just Ryan, though, expecting him to be some kind of mindreader, and despite himself Brendon loved him for it, loved him completely, a realisation he only came to relatively recently- and was already regretting saying out loud. This was the issue. Trusting him too much had meant Brendon had wished it all away, exaggerated it all in his head, had too much faith that the love would be returned how he wanted it to. The silence it had brought between them was painful, not the usual comfortable silence they sat in together. So he had left, and out of self-defence, decided to leave- he wasn’t strong enough to stick around if he didn’t feel wanted, as much as he didn’t know if he could even function without his best friend around. Brendon had closed off. Why should he believe anything Ryan said, he thought to himself, the sting of rejection still fresh- he was just lonely. He didn’t want Brendon, he’d just grown used to the company.

Brendon had stepped away after voicing this concern- Ryan just said his name in protest, and Brendon felt himself melt a little because that tiny gesture could do that, even to a heart he’d just stubbornly shut off, defending himself from any further humiliation- because he did feel humiliated, devastated, like he’d overstated his importance, overstayed welcome, and here was Ryan, not letting him just- mourn any chance of requited love in peace. Putting distance between them seemed like the best option and he moved over to sit down on the edge of his bed, hunched over like he was protecting his vital organs from further injury. Inhale, exhale- this was too much. Tunnel vision had applied itself and he just wanted to leave. [i]Once, you told me to write about what makes me happy. Ever since, I’ve only been writing about you.[/i] 

Brendon lifted his head, feeling his foolish heart beat unevenly in his chest and blinking, unsure. This was, in fact, news to him. Even living with a writer as talented as Ryan, he was not academically or literarily inclined; the nuances and deep analysis of things that Ryan showed to him were lost on him and his thoughts were always just an earnest ‘wow, this is so pretty, I love it so much, this is your best work yet’. No matter what it was. So the reveal that Ryan had been writing about him... Even thinking about the romantic aspects of his work, Brendon couldn’t see himself in that light. The pieces didn’t align and he didn’t believe him- as much as he wanted to. He opened his mouth to speak but Ryan beat him to it and Brendon looked briefly at his feet, still finding it difficult to look at him.

[i]I miss you when you’re a floor away.[/i] That, he understood. That kind of thing was what Brendon could understand. Softening a little, but not letting his guard down, he looked up, and Ryan was smiling in a way that made it difficult not to smile back. [b]“That’s ridiculous,”[/b] He said softly, his voice cracking a little. [b]“You always say I’m loud and can hear me from- wherever you are.”[/b] Trailing off a little, Brendon pulled a hand through his hair, swallowing. [i]Sometimes I’ll change a story just because I think you’ll like a different ending. I counted down the days until you came back from the city. I’d forgotten what it’s like without you around. Not great, by the way.[/i] 

Considering this, Brendon thought about how it would be if he did leave, left Ryan alone in his empty mansion, moved back to NYC and move into a slightly bigger apartment using the money from his more-than-reasonable paycheck, maybe get a new job, talk to Ryan every once in a while to check how he’s doing. It sounded absolutely awful and being told that he was missed made his heart leap- as much as he appreciated Ryan was not bursting with affection, [i]this is all he wanted to hear.[/i] [b]“That’s all you ever have to say to me, you know,”[/b] Brendon said gently. watching him as he sat down on his bed, feeling warm. [b]“That you miss me. That you want me around. But that’s- what I feel, Ry, it’s more than that, I- I can’t stay here if you don’t...”[/b] A surge of hope from Ryan’s words quickly faded away and he shifted where he sat, searching his face for some kind of solution. 

[i]I’m in love with you.[/i]

Initially, Brendon didn’t react, just stared, as if he was waiting for Ryan to laugh, take it back, shake his head in amusement, but it didn’t happen. And Ryan wasn’t a liar, wouldn’t fake something so profound, he was too pretentious to do that, Brendon thought, vaguely amused by it even though his mind was racing, elated, petrified by this reveal even though he’d said it himself not ten minutes ago. His lips were parted as he searched for words, but all he could do was stare blankly at him, arms folded across his chest protectively, waiting for his cue.

[b]“I- why couldn’t you- why couldn’t you have just said,”[/b] He murmured quietly, not breaking eye contact. [b]“Not hearing that back, it. It really hurt. You- are you serious? You’re not just...”[/b] This was certainly not the confession he’d imagined- he’d read too many of Ryan’s recent writing, and- oh. Well, that certainly made much more sense. Brendon grinned, still nervous, but unable to keep up any suspicion with conviction. [b]“You asshole,”[/b] He breathed. [b]“God, I’m going to kill you.”[/b]