[quote=@BangoSkank] [hider=Danger, Danger Fontaine] Name: Danger, Danger Fontaine Epithet: Masked and Mustachioed Macho...Guy Age: 32 Height: 6'4" pounds of towering manliness Weight: 246 pounds of raw hard muscle slathered in baby oil Race: Human Dominant Hand: Right Appearance- Danger, Danger Fontaine is a thickly muscled well tanned man and is never seen without an indulgent quantity of baby oil ensuring each and ever muscle fiber glistens under the stadium lights as does his perfectly manicured mustache. His build is best described as mercilessly powerful and massively sexual. [b]You can do more with this. You can go further with it, I get the approach you’ve taken - to have a humurous, almost nonchalant take, but I want to see you take it further. [i]Why[/i] is he best described as powerful and massively sexual -- that feels added on. Add in details about his eye colour, his expression, his stance, his manner - you can build a profile really well by just dropping these in so that when the reader does reach that finishing line, it feels justified. You could even write everything before that line to be completely [i]not[/i] sexual at all for a bigger punch line. You’ve said it, now explain it. Show me.[/b] [b] [/b] Physical Abilities/Powers- [hider] Physical Ability- Danger, Danger Fontaine has inarguably perfected his craft. He is truly the picture of perfection. He is the image of intensity. The epitome of excellence. The physical manifestation of manliness. And also a generous lover, if you know what I mean. His grip is unbreakable, his strikes impeccable, his aerial game im...un...it's also pretty good. [b]See here? This is what you put in your physical appearance section. This shit is funny, and paints more of an image than the description does. Put it in, expand on it, throw the punchline down for big KO.[/b] Powers- Imagined Invulnerability - Danger, Danger Fontaine can ignore injuries that would incapacitate neigh any other man. Due to a combination of repeated traumatic concussions, pain killer use and abuse, and his massively inflated ego he can suffer great harm and continue on despite it. He is either numb to the pain due to a combination of nerve damage and pain killer use or simply able to power through it due to his own overpowering sense of self confidence. In short, while he is not actually in any way shape or form invulnerable to injury or damage he is fully capable of ignoring such damage until it becomes fundamentally physically incapacitating. Supreme Arrogance - Danger, Danger Fontaine's massively inflated ego and additive brain damage due to regular traumatic head injury allows him to face adversaries that are clearly exponentially more powerful than he and believe he still has a very real chance of victory. [b]I really like this. The reason why is because this is tragic -- you’ve set up so far this hilarious man, all powerful, all glistenin muscle, and then you’ve put in a really relatable flaw that cuts through him with an emotional element and I love it. This is the material that you use to pull the rug out from your reader at the end. Build, build, build your character to ridiculous levels and then slam this in. Golden.[/b] Delusion - Arguably all of Danger, Danger Fontaine's power is a result of this aspect of his mind. Despite what absurd circumstance he may find himself in and what inconceivable threat he may face, he will stalwartly believe that he is the Fan Favorite and that this is his shot at the big time. He can hear the roaring crowd. He can hear the commentators expounding over his miraculous musculature and marvelous mustache. [b]That’s tragic too. He’s kind of a joke, but he believes he’s the best. Use that.[/b] Unreasoning Rage - Danger, Danger Fontaine's patina of professional wrestling professionalism fades into oblivion if his mask is removed or his mustache is mussed up. Though he generally plays up for the adoring arena carefully watching his each and every match, when an opponent dares to remove his mask he loses his restraint entirely. As a great man once said, he loses his smile. Much of the posing and smiling fades away and he is left a raving animal, throwing out as many big moves as he can as quickly as he can, often to his eventual detriment. [/hider] Personality- Danger...Danger Fontaine. A self obsessed obnoxiously narcissistic professional wrestler, his greatest strength is also his greatest weakness. He is loud, because it is important that the millions and millions of fans, all slavering at the bit for just a little more Danger, hear each and every syllable of each and every word. He is self aggrandizing because who knows Danger better than Danger himself? He is light hearted and often cracks terrible terrible jokes, because he is THE MAN. He is the top, the pinnacle, the apex, the peak, the asymptote, the azimuth, the hyperbole, he is the the man and the only way to be THE MAN is to beat THE MAN and the only man who can beat THE MAN is THE MAN, which is him, thus he is unbeatable. Ask anyone, they'll tell you. In the unlikely event he is one day beaten he is magnanimous in defeat because he knows, HE KNOWS, that belt is meant for one man and one man alone. THE MAN, which is him, Danger, Danger Fontaine, aka THE MAN. The Macho...Guy. [b]This paints a great picture, but it could be written better to have more of an impact. Split it up into paragraphs. A concept I’m feeling is to follow the positives with a negative perhaps? Almost as if this is Fontaine himself pumping himself up before a battle - and the negatives become the little voice in his ear, the voice addicted to painkillers etc etc. I love it, because you’ve used humour and this style of writing throughout which sets it apart from other sheets I’d read. I get the feeling that this sheet is from an unreliable narrator, almost like the character himself is writing this, believing in his own hype to his detriment, and to laughter and mockery of those around him. It’s very very clever, but I do think you can take that further and polish it.[/b] Background- Danger, Danger Fontaine dreamed through all of his childhood of becoming a professional wrestler and eventually managed to make his dream come true. Growing up in South Dakota he knew from a young age that he was destined for greatness and the greatest greatness he could envision was becoming a massive slab of tanned and oiled muscle body slamming other, lesser, tanned and oiled massive muscle slabs for the entertainment and adoration of the million and millions watching at home. Happily fueled on by the antics of his wrestling idols, action movies, and neigh every book and training program advertised in the back of comic books, he grew muscleyier and muscleyier as his dream became an inevitable future. He worked his way up through the indies gaining a reputation as an enormous ass, but an ass who put asses in seats. Which is the best kind of ass. Taking inspiration from his idols from America and the world abroad he fashioned for himself a number of easily recognized moves and a very recognizable physique. Muscles, Muscles, Mask and Mustache. In time he made his way to the premier federation of the United States and found great success. As well as he did he faced many injuries and eventually ended up as too big of a liability to the company to remain. This was likely a wise move as his massive ego led to him suffering many injuries that would have sidelined him if he weren't just such an egomaniac. Finally one day his undeniable superiority, ceaseless impossibly hyperbolic bragging, and need to pay some bills brought him to Undisputed Pro Wrestling. [b]This run of words is wonderful; “gaining a reputation as an enormous ass, but an ass who put asses in seats.” I can only emphasis on what I’ve already said, in that I love the style you’ve taken with writing this, but I want you to look at it from a serious angle and find those points where you can lay in the emotion real thicc.[/b] [/hider] [/quote] *Huge Hug* This is great, Bango. I instantly knew what you were doing, and the choice to use a humorous voice in the creation of this sheet was a great one. Maybe you did or did not realise that doing so would also give the sheet a real nice gravitas to is when it comes to the serious parts - the addictions of the character, the head injury. It feels almost like a surreal read at times. The ramblings of a maniac, it feels unreliable, in your face, really loud -- all of these choices only add layers to the character. I'd love you to take another look at this now, 11 days later, to see how it hits you now. Look at my suggestions and maybe have another crack at it, because this feels like one of those sheets that needs a little time to mature and for some of the ideas you have to fall into place. Nice job bud.