[indent]Life got in the way as it is wont to do, so I did not finish whatever I had planned for this contest. However, I'm here with feedback for the entries and imaginary champagne for all the entrants!

I won't be doing an in-depth sentence by sentence breakdown because I don't think those are helpful outside of creative writing workshops and don't fit the vibe of casual, friendly critique on an internet forum, so consider this more of a broad review. If any of the authors would like a more detailed one, I am happy to provide in PMs.




[indent][hider=The Sky-Sailer]
This was a cute piece –– I liked it!

The strength of this piece is definitely in the relationship between the characters. The 'lore' of the piece is not necessarily intriguing on its own; however, I think it was nicely explained through dialogue between the characters. In particular, this bit from near the beginning stood out as a neat moment of character building:

[indent][quote][color=9f9f9f]Stella nodded. “You are right Keith it is not fair. You control the wind.”

“Yeah!” agreed Keith.

“You aren’t too big, you are a little under average height and definitely slim enough. A lightweight, no, featherweight I’d say” Stella continued.

“Yeah!” Keith said enthusiastically, glad Stella saw his point of view.

“And you are full of hot air and an airhead, no reason you can’t fly!”[/color][/quote][/indent]
And again, despite flawed grammar, it's this cute all the way through – very domestic and grounded in its approach to the magic in a way I can appreciate. I would have liked to read more conversations between Keith and Stella as I think you portrayed their dynamic very well, and together they are definitely the strongest parts of this entry.

There are two main areas for improvement: the simplicity of the sentence structure and a tendency towards minor grammatical errors. These have the unfortunate side-effect of creating stilted prose and dialogue throughout the piece. Fortunately, a more thorough proofreading should catch most of the latter: watch out for comma splices, rogue capitalisation, repetition of words, and perhaps examine the rules of connecting dialogue to speech tags a little more thoroughly.

When it comes to the sentence structure:

[indent][color=9f9f9f][quote]A few weeks later Hazel passed the shed that still was locked.
It was the furthest away of the few sheds they had.
It wasn’t the first time she wondered why he hadn’t taken one of the closer ones.
Keith had been working non-stop on something.
Hazel was worried since his previous two attempts hadn’t gone very well.[/quote][/color][/indent]
This is one of the paragraphs separated out into its component sentences. Notice how they are all just about the same length and structure? One thing that helps with this would be to read the piece out-loud and see if it sounds robotic or monotone – that's usually a good indicator that you might want to spice things up with some shorter and longer sentences, eg. [url=https://66.media.tumblr.com/2da1fc62b88a835b16662b98a6dc2bb4/tumblr_inline_pkomkawh4c1tj67wc_540.png]this[/url].

Adding in some longer, physical descriptions of the setting or the characters would help in this respect, as well as make it easier to 'imagine' the characters – a reader can easily learn their personalities through the dialogue, but it's harder to get a clear picture of what they look like and their body language.

Overall, though, I think this feel-good piece has a good energy, a progression from start to finish that is (mostly) clear, and the gumption to attempt fantasy world-building in a short story competition – a hard thing to do – so honestly, props.
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[hider=Once Upon a Feather]
The shorter the piece, the more difficult it is to review. [i]Once Upon a Feather[/i] (nice title!) tries to do a lot in very few words, and I think it manages some of them. One of the best things I think you did was [i]not[/i] belabour the backstory: this character has a mutation, they now have wings – that's fine, and appropriate for a short contest like this. At the same time, though, a longer piece which catalogs the [i]previous[/i] six days of their experience could have been an interesting thing to explore.

There are a lot of sources of intrigue in this piece. Can birds talk in this universe, or is this some kind of power? Why is it so big? Who is the other figure? I do wish it was longer so the reader could perhaps get a better sense of the world that this character lives in, as the flashes of what we are given [i]are[/i] good hooks.

First person is an interesting choice of POV with its own challenges. I would say that it is right for this entry because it allows us to stay in the mindset of the character. However, one of the most noticeable issues in the piece is caused by it, and it's a technical one. Many of the sentences are 'samey' – there's too many [i]I[/i]s. For example:

[indent][color=9f9f9f][quote]
[color=red]I[/color] looked down as the Bird mentioned about jumping, before [color=red]I[/color] nodded. "Right." [color=red]I[/color] said before [color=red]I[/color] stood up, shuffling over to the edge of the nest. [color=red]I[/color] fanned my wings out slowly, "Focus." [color=red]I[/color] mumbled to myself before [color=red]I[/color] leapt from the edge, [color=red]I[/color] felt my body dip down before [color=red]I[/color] started to flap my wings.
[color=red]I[/color] spun slightly as [color=red]I[/color] dipped down, before [color=red]I[/color] started to gain altitude. [color=red]I[/color] span on my way up, pushing past the trees and aimed for the clouds.
[color=red]I[/color] felt like screaming as [color=red]I[/color] broke through the clouds, spinning as [color=red]I[/color] did so. [color=red]I[/color] stopped beating my wings, [color=red]I[/color] floated in the air above the clouds for a second, slowly beating my wings to keep myself above the clouds.[/quote][/color][/indent]
The overabundance of these [i]Is[/i] resulted in a lot of missed opportunities in the 'moneyshot' of this scene and the piece itself. The character is flying for the first time, and it focuses [i]too[/i] much on the mechanics of this. Instead of writing what they are doing (and having to use another [i]I[/i]), there could have been descriptions of the difficulties of air pressure, the feel of breathing in thin air high up in the clouds, the [i]sound[/i] of their beating wings. Instead of just telling us the character [i]felt[/i] like screaming, what if they [i]did[/i] scream, or how did they manage to hold it in?

This is an ambitious attempt with a lot of promise as a premise for something longer. If it had just a [i]little[/i] bit more length, and was a [i]little[/i] bit more in-depth, it would perhaps be easier to review as well.
[/hider]




[hider=The First and the Last]
As far as technical ability goes, this is the best entry of the three. The quality of the writing is advanced and varied, at least in so far as grammar and sentence structure goes, so nitpicking those on a micro scale would be more of a personal preference thing at this level.

There are some very interesting and evocative turns of phrase mixed in here. Highlights include: 'the ancient, prickling certainty that something is watching with malign intent' and 'with a quiet snap and crack she is reduced to a small and ugly thing, feathers sticking out at ungainly angles from a mass of broken flesh and bone'. It is no surprise that my favourite lines of the piece came from the opening and ending – those were the strongest overall sections, where the central ideas were best displayed and the writing was tightest.

However, I have to say that there are times when the prose encroaches on purple territory to the point where it hampered my enjoyment of the story. In particular, this part from the second section tripped and tore away the whole curtain on the way down:

[indent][color=9f9f9f][quote]Yet something, an inexorable force at the back of her mind, kept calling her here. That great open space, the air on every side, whispered in her head with a temptation as irresistible as hunger itself.[/quote][/color][/indent]
This could have been written in a more straight-forward way, but if it [i]was[/i] simpler, it would not fit with the rest of the story – and that's what stood out. It did not have the effect of, 'Oh, this line is iffy on its own merits.' Instead, it rung some primal alarm bell in the back of my mind that said, 'Hey, wait a minute... Is [i]inexorable[/i] useful as a descriptor when exploring the mindset of a bird in flight, or is it more of an authorial indulgence?'

And then I realised that the whole piece was like this.

[i]The First and the Last[/i] attempts to 'elevate' a mundane event (ie. a bird getting the chomp) and in doing so, it fails to justify its own existence. The twisting chronological jumps make this a difficult piece to parse, [i]just for the sake of it[/i]. The florid prose, even the parts I appreciated for its wordplay, is not in service to the protagonist's journey but to the literariness of the piece. There are clear themes and motifs – nature [s]is metal[/s], the circle of life, laws of physics – but these are told directly to us by the text as if in the fear that they would go unnoticed in a sea of verbosity. 

Most importantly, the 3rd person limited POV would place us perfectly to explore what it is to be the bird in her last moments through 'her tiny brain', but the author has too many linguistic flourishes for those moments to read as convincingly [i]hers[/i]. 

I am perhaps being more harsh on this piece [i]because[/i] it is more advanced from a technical perspective. It is a good entry – in many if not most ways, probably the best of the three. You should be definitely proud of this one. However, the juxtaposition between style and content makes it a frustrating read for me, like it's less of a cohesive [i]story[/i] and more of a creative writing exercise for a workshop.[/hider][/indent]
If any of that at all comes across as harsh, I apologise. Tone is hard on the internet. Writing for an audience (worse, a [i]competition[/i]) is one of the most difficult things to do, and trust me when I say that I appreciate all of the stories up for consideration for the creativity on display and the obvious hard work put into them. Good work, everyone!

[indent][hider=My Vote]
Despite its technical flaws, I want to vote for the entry that makes me feel something. To that end, I think The Sky-sailer has to be it. There were grammatical errors and a straight-forwardness to the writing, yes, but the interaction between the characters had me saying, 'oh, that's sweet!' on more than one occasion. It's the piece which has the most [i]potential[/i] –– some of it untapped –– and I appreciate the ambition.

[b]My vote goes to [i]The Sky-sailer[/i].[/b]

[sup]In case I have to tag you for it to count: [@Calle].[/sup][/hider][/indent]

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