All his life Brendon had felt lonely, even surrounded by people and noise and suffocated by the towering walls of the city- he’d struggled with this feeling of psychological and emotional isolation for years, trying to support himself and his friend with no real goal other than maybe make it til his next payday and pay the bills and take breaks only to ponder about purpose and pointlessness and philosophy and train tracks and stupid little pill bottles and the long drop from his tiny balcony jutting off from his apartment and-

He never spoke about this to Ryan, as close as they were now. The dark empty pull in his chest and the voice in his head that told him he had no one and nothing to keep going for- not even living for the sake of living because although he wasn’t miserable he was just, grey. He didn’t feel like he should be grey- maybe in another lifetime he’d have been vivid and able to funnel his nervous energy into something good and he’d be successful and he’d just wake up happy and content like he thought everybody else did. Although he didn’t speak about it all, ever, he knew Ryan felt that way too- as slow as Brendon was at making it through his novels, and how wrapped up truths and honesty was wrapped up in Ryan’s elaborate metaphors, Brendon knew that he sold his heart and soul off to the general public and that a consistent theme was pain, and loneliness.

Both practically alone in different senses, they had come together and found something that was near sacred. Ryan living alone in his mansion in the countryside swallowed up by plants and flowers and tendrils that seemed to choke the life away from it; Brendon in his shitty apartment, hundreds of feet off the ground, surrounded by countless numbers of people and caged in concrete. It was almost poetic if it wasn’t so horrifically depressing, how like shells the two of them had been. Both of them wilting away in their environments even if they had previously convinced themselves it was working. It was like they’d found a new way of living. Imperfect, messy- but Brendon had never felt more content in his whole life than right that moment, sat beside Ryan, staring up at the stars he so rarely made out while standing at his old window, knuckles white around the railing, craning his neck to stare at the sky and look for stars when all he could see was thick blackness and flashing lights in the distance that could be satellites, or planes, or space stations. He could never really tell the difference. Out here, the sky was illuminated and adorned with thousands of tiny visible stars, and the moon. 

It wasn’t like they’d been fixed. Ryan still shut himself away and didn’t let conversation get too deep, and Brendon still felt grey and sluggish, or sometimes the opposite, which was sometimes worse- restless, electrified with anxiety and energy he couldn’t channel into something positive and ending up in a manic spiral. Sometimes they wouldn’t speak for days but during times like these for either of them just knowing the other was accessible was a comfort. The closer in proximity they were, the more strong that feeling became- Brendon felt so comforted and safe right then that he wanted to hide himself in Ryan’s side, rest his head on his shoulder. He didn’t dare, though, instead finally pulled his attention away from the sky and to Ryan, who had apparently been trying to write, as always. Brendon thought he caught him turning his head away at the last second but dismissed it as his overactive and often embarrassingly wistful imagination. 

Brendon was watching him with just as much fascination as he did the sky. Sometimes he didn’t understand this man at all and though it wasn’t like he saw him as some strange creature to study, he did desperately want to know what was on his mind. He let himself examine his profile contemplatively but not granting himself the liberty of consciously forming opinion about it, simply acknowledging the line of his jaw from the side and the plane of his cheekbone, how he could see his eyelashes and a faint reflection of light in his eyes from the moonlight, how his head was tilted back slightly parallel to sky. Just factual observations. Brendon blinked slowly, only after Ryan began to speak. [i]I’ve always got a muse.[/i] Another observation- his voice was low and weary from underuse. Long silences between them were neither uncommon nor uncomfortable. [i]Just... nothing I can show the publishers.[/i] Just as Ryan turned his head to meet his eyes, Brendon began to smile. [b]“Alright, keep your secrets.”[/b] Figuring that would be the extent of their conversation, he looked back at the sky. 

[i]I don't think you're as much of a city person as you might've resigned yourself to be. It's sweet, how much you love a clear night sky.[/i] Looking back, it was clear on his face that Brendon was surprised- pleasantly, of course, but usually when Ryan was writing he rarely took breaks to talk. Considering what he’d said, he exhaled contemplatively. [b]“I’m not really a city person by choice,”[/b] He admitted. [b]“I know I’m here to help with understanding it, but that’s about all I can do. I get it. That doesn’t mean it isn’t exhausting and just fucking- draining.”[/b] As he spoke, he began to use his hands, gesturing for punctuation and holding his hands in the air for a few moments before dropping them back onto his lap. [b]“Most of my love for the city comes from nostalgia and nostalgia is a liar. I always think- it wasn’t so bad. But it was. And I love it anyway.”[/b] A pause, a laugh, a glance at Ryan. [b]“That makes no sense, probably. But- yeah, I love the stars. Maybe the novelty will fade after a while. They’re just so damn pretty.”[/b]

Before he could even finish Ryan was leaning in close and Brendon’s heart leapt into his mouth, taken off guard. For how close they were, actual physical closeness wasn’t common. It was comfortable regardless- of course. He stole a fleeting glance at Ryan then followed his outstretched arm to the corresponding cluster of stars. [i]Look, those collected stars there - that's Cassiopeia, the constellation. Neat, right?[/i] Brendon’s eyes went comically wide along with an impressed smile that took over his face. [b]“Really? I didn’t know you- where’s Aries? Oh my god. Do you have, like- a book or something? Pretentious- fucker.”[/b]