[quote=@The Grey Dust] Some terrible reviews. Best taken with a grain of salt. I will abstain from voting at this time. [hider=Stars ––] Short and sweet, succinct but substantive. The one qualm I would have is the use of the ellipsis to break the tempo after the line break. On one hand it is effective to demonstrate the length of pause, but it is jarring to have the break so early in the new line. The previous line has an aside which already offers a choppiness to the poem, as such in six lines there are 4 incidental pause which disrupt the flow. If this was intentional, then well done, however I wonder if this could have been formatted or written without the pauses. Or if it was done as such to create visual art in the poem as well similar to the other first entry of the first poetry contest. [/hider] [hider=Hood of Shadow ––] This is almost a word salad with threads of barest comprehension. As I cannot begin to comprehend who would comprehend this submission, this critique cannot be so fairly justified. However, because this is the case, I would have to question the writer's objective in submitting this. Specifically speaking, what is the intent behind the writing? Is it to be pointedly so esoteric there is no general understanding to this stream-of-consciousness style of random thoughts? That is to say, the writer is writing not for an audience but for themselves as a therapeutic rambling? Wherein we as readers are given insights into the madness of the mind at work in some sort of cosmic horror sort of way? Or is there some concept the writer failed to capture thus will fail to elicit from reader? If the former, then there are ways to do so coherently and introduce such objective such that we can understand the point of the writing. If the latter, then perhaps the writer has failed and needs to either improve or to choose a different approach. [/hider] [hider=Interstellar ––] Some good points, some flaws, feels like a poem which is attempting many different styles. ABAB CDCD rhymescheme, no strict meter. Some Slant rhyme in there, possible the one most shoehorned is Repertoire. Although it works in the alliterative sense, the syllable count may be too much to afford such a word choice. Grammatically there is some clumsiness, such as "trust in them who are gone" in lieu of "They who are gone" although in poetic sense using them implicitly breaks the line into two phrases without punctuation so it may work. Interesting wordplay with Sentries and Centuries, They and Day. The last line of the third stanza is reminiscent of the villanelle from the last poetry contest. The vaulta does leave one wishing for one more as it leave the ending feel completed but also incomplete as it suggests a new beginning rather than a complete end. [/hider] [hider=The Stars ––] Reflective passive thoughts, good insight and commentary on various things, seems caught between prose and poetry. The passiveness of the piece detracts a bit from wanting more. While there is good discussion on humans, understanding, and knowledge. Yet it is a piece in pure rumination, there is nothing actively engaging the reader in a sense. It offers only the thoughts of the narrator as they look upon something, which is great in some aspects, but can be droll as a short story. Furthermore, the line: "But what are they, those tiny dots of light that I swear are looking down on me as I return an expression of awe." appears to be missing something, either as a question posed or as an observation as the link between the two thoughts needs reconciliation. Similarly the timeline in the story needs to be addressed as past and present seem to merge in tense. There is also some clarification required in the penultimate paragraph. It is unclear what point of reference is being used as the word "They" is juxtaposed in the paragraph with "us", "textbooks and media", and "Stars" wherein are the stars worried about dying? Is science and the media now suddenly worried about stars dying? Are we (and thus the narrator) worried about stars dying? It would appear to be the stars which are worried taking the whole piece into consideration, as the narrator has earlier personified the stars. But I must ask if there is any satisfaction at the end as it gives me no sense of closure, no ending and we are left with the narrator still on the same place at the same time without having progressed any thoughts beyond what has already been suggested by the first few lines. [/hider] [hider=Written in the Stars ––] Good narrative, seems rather familiar in a mythic sense. This reminds me of a scene from a movie wherein Achilles tells his men that immortality is waiting for them on the beaches of Troy. Or at least the night before where he would be writing his rousing rallying speech. Now add this to the other suggestion made wherein the story of the great Archimedes telling the solider who killed him to not erase the figures he drew in the sand, and both scenes play out. However while the conqueror was introduced and we as the reader are brought up long his life story, by glimpses into his past, the mathematician is almost an afterthought as a foil to the conqueror. True the piece states no account of his life was remembered, but it also did not state the importance of the figure's figures and numbers. What would have been interesting was to scaffold the mathematician's formulae and teachings, equations perhaps useful for war and battle, or even inventions using mathematic principles within the conqueror's story wherein introduces the mathematician character earlier such that the contrasting ideologies are given equal spotlight such that the message of 'legacy' arrives with a more resounding impact. [/hider] [/quote] [@The Grey Quite] Quite the spectrum you've encumbered. It thrilled me to read something unconformed. I, as my first contest with a chance of poetry, did just a first try. The beginning had been about a missed rivalry about favorite colors- then I gloomed it with my roleplay intrigue- a kind that needs to be Prince, not just 'swashbuckler'.