Here you go, you scamps. [@Lauder] for Batuul (How do you pronounce that? Battle? Lol, you made an Amazonian warlord named Battle?) [color=limegreen]god, i HOPE she is[/color] [hider] Besides the inspired [i]ahem[/i] quip above, Cyclone has already given some basic comments about the sheet, which I’ll paraphrase and expand on here for convenience. As previously mentioned, the concept itself is mostly good - no one is doing much with the orcs so far, and having a character fill that niche is a welcome development. From what can be glimpsed of her, Batuul fits that role well. Some more elaboration on how exactly she achieves this authority and enforces it could be useful to have, but not strictly necessary. Having said that, there are a number of issues with how the idea is presented. The description does indeed not feel like the final words of someone overcome with a vision, but more like a lecture or recitation of facts, sometimes presented in an odd sequence. I’d recommend something like framing the description as a succession of fragmentary scenes instead, which would both better fulfill the narrative requirement and be more appropriate as a form of visual divination, but of course that’s up to you. The content is also not wholly beyond reproach. As we’ve discussed with Cyclone, the myth does not make an awful lot of sense by saying that Chernobog would sabotage his own campaign by allowing for Batuul to be captured. As a godly being of brutality and destruction, he would’ve had no qualms about smiting an insubordinate scion, and since orcs, as said in the OP, value strength, such an overt display would have been the best way of ensuring they continue to revere him above all. On the other hand, the portrayal of the Exalted One as meting out punishments tailored to the culprit is quite fitting. Overall, a few things will need to be fixed before we can accept the sheet. [/hider] [@Terminal] for Ex Nihilo (Ugh, using the ablative case for the default name. You deserve a lashing just for that) [hider] Alright, this is going to be a long one. For a start, the supplementary sections you added into the sheet - Presence, Infamy and Omens - can be safely cut out, and indeed should be. They can be placed into an attached “lore” hider, or something of the sort, but they are neither needed nor wanted in the application proper. By the guidelines, everything they express should be laid out in the myth, and to a large degree it is, making them redundant for every purpose but quick reference. Once again, this would be best served by giving them their own separate spot. The strange equation under Type, which in the context of everything else reminded me of something from the Time Cube page, I take to mean that Ex Nihilo is neither a rogue being nor a scion. While I find that, given the nature of its origin, it would make some amount of sense to define it as the latter, I find myself agreeing that by and large it defies classification and can be left as an unknown. It’s an unconventional approach to character creation, and not one we expected anyone to take, but it’s not unacceptable, and has some potential for exploration in the story. We now come to the myth, which by statistical inevitability gives me the most things to remark on. It’s certainly not the [i]brief[/i] narrative requested by the sheet instructions, but both I and Cyclone found the quality of the writing engaging enough to excuse that. Having two separate parts to it also straddles the established limits, but it’s permissible in the interest of getting out all the relevant information and more concrete examples, which is necessary to properly describe a being of this sort. At the same time, it leaves even less of a reason for Presence etc. to exist. Brief note - 314 is the date in years since the collapse of the Holy Kingdom (as "Post Fall" indicates), and not the victory over Chernobog as the wording in the top of the second myth suggested. The portrayal of magic in the myth is one some might feel to be too clinical and matter-of-factual, which is to a degree inevitable when writing from the perspective of a practitioner. I'd personally say you do a good enough job at keeping it mysterious and not mundane (I liked the surprised emphasis on "arcane (!) means" at the start), and you are certainly mindful of the constraints of labour and cost, so besides some points I will remark on later, and the mention of "psionics", it's mostly fine. One matter that sticks out is the orc character and his description - it seems extremely odd that the presence of an orc would be so flippantly accepted by even the dregs of human society, or that they would be able to communicate with him so easily (human and orcish languages have radically different origins). Being inhuman and legendary enemies of mankind, orcs are universally despised and feared, and while I could believe that someone as desperate as Lucion might turn to them, things like casually holding conversation or being entertained by courtesans are downright bizarre. It's also worth noting they don't have shamanic traditions (their origin and culture are not exactly conducive to that -- these are more like LotR-inspired orcs than WoW ones), and Hanuzeth acts more like a warlock anyway, what with contacting a demon. A bigger issue is the description of the quintessence that is the source of Ex Nihilo. Here, I do believe your wording becomes too technical, with such things as the Conceit's Constant and having a quantifiable impetus. It's particularly jarring in that this is supposed to be an especially cryptic subject even in the magical field, but ends up being the most prosaically presented instead. I recommend you rework those parts to make them more vague and occult, removing the faux-technical terminology and focusing on the mysticism of the spark idea some more. Aside from that, the concept of quintessence itself is generally fine, as is the entity and its manifestation. One final ill-fitting detail is the mouthwash ritual - with less sugar in the average medieval diet, dental rot would have been less of a problem than disease, and while such a habit could take hold in Paterdomus, where hygiene and cleanliness are taken to a peak, it would not have much of an impulse to spread elsewhere. The sheet is on the whole in a good spot and close to being acceptable, and only needs some adjustments in the details mentioned above. [/hider] [@Frettzo] for Lysiallys [hider] This one is fortunately much speedier. All in all, the sheet is quite acceptable. It gives a good idea of the character and her abilities without dragging on too much, and even manages to drop in some description of her appearance, despite her not being directly present, in a way that’s not too contrived. We especially found the mention of Lysiallys’ creations being the more effective the more one gives away for them to be a nice detail, both setting up an interesting principle and maybe hinting at her purposes (it’s as good a way as any to subtly tempt people to excess). There are some flaws to note - some words were repeated close together, sometimes in an outright confusing way, where synonyms or paraphrases would have been better (“a rather dark, narrow [b]alleyway[/b]. At the end of the [b]alleyway[/b] there was an unassuming door which perfectly blended in with the other doors at either side of the [b]alleyway[/b]”, “the decrepit old [b]man[/b] hummed, slowly tilting his head at the [b]man[/b]”). The sheet also does not give a wholly clear idea of Lysiallys’ motives, though that’s a minor note and the implication mentioned above should suffice. Accepted, but do fix those repetitions before posting it over in the character tab. [/hider]