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Varis’ sarcasm stung no less than normal, but it was deserved; so too, the comment on his condition. At that, Aaron could only avoid Varis’ gaze, ashamed that he’d let himself go to such an extent. He’d make a poor guard if unraveling like this was how he responded to stress, yet another item on the endless list of things he’d have to work on if he was ever going to be worth a damn to Varis. 

But despite his condition and the million other good reasons Varis had to reject him, he didn’t; but of course, that mercy came with a price. Aaron was taken aback by the extent of the conditions Varis proposed, and his first reaction was, of course, to reject them. A full year without contacting his family, on the heels of one of the worst weeks he’d ever spent with them? After he scolded his aunts and mother for their concern and told them he didn’t want to come back home? What would they think? The Noilas had cast him out, sure, but that wasn’t his family’s fault; they seemed just as confused about the situation as he was. Casting them from his life in even harsher form seemed an undue punishment. Sure, he couldn’t claim to be close confidants with his family the way Salem once described with his own mother: rather, there was an ancient understanding among Starags of guarding information on a need-to-know basis, never letting too much slip. Behaviour was polite and conversation usually superficial, never going into too much detail, never delving too far into feelings or troubles. Those were things to be communicated through knowing looks and telling silences, not words. But despite their tight-lipped nature, his family was something Aaron cherished beyond their name or legacy, and the thought of completely cutting them out for so long was enough to punch a hole through his chest. 

And, of course, Varis’ proposal held more than just sentimental consequences. Without any of his former belongings, Aaron would lose the last remaining links to his life before the Academy: the very things that Mr. Deshane and other officials in the Mental program insisted were essential to maintaining his bond with his affinity. Without truly understanding the burdens the program would place on him, Aaron had no way of knowing whether memories alone would prove sufficient. With the consequences of affinity loss so great, could he possibly be up to this challenge? It was a chance, at last—and the only real chance he ever expected to get—to prove himself to Varis and earn a place in his household. It would be his only chance, he was sure, to [i]earn[/i] anything; he could see now that his life up to and including the Academy was a series of handouts, prestige and privilege afforded to him by the luck of his birth, not by his own doing. Was his identity, then, just another suit issued by the royal family? Would clinging to memories of his past life really keep him in touch with what formed his affinity in the first place, or would it only tease him with the shadow of someone he could never be again? 

The weight of it all was enough to make his head spin, and exhausted as he was, Aaron could hardly follow that logical trail to its conclusion. And now, half-crazy, he had to decide over the course of the night where the trajectory of his life would lead. At least Varis acknowledged the choice as difficult, though “impossible” would have been Aaron’s preferred choice of words. But then again, a year ago he would also have thought it impossible that the royal family would ever dispose of him, so where did that leave him?

Varis’ fingers in his hair pulled him back to the present, his gentle touch and words a sharp contrast to the devastating gravity of what he would ask of him. Out of nowhere, Aaron wondered if this was how Malek felt as a young man, whether this was what he recalled when he spoke of a younger Varis so fondly. Had the stern old man left his own life behind in Varis’ name, too? He had a life of his own now, a family in Eloise, and a position of great power and prestige; for his sacrifices, whatever they were, he had something proud to show for it. What did Aaron have, but the tattered remains of a stranger’s legacy?

The thought almost threatened tears once more, but once more he forced them away; whichever decision he made, he knew he’d need every moment of the forthcoming night to make it. 

A moment after Varis finished, Aaron finally nodded. [color=f0d705]“I understand, Master,”[/color] he confirmed solemnly, [color=f0d705]“Thank you for affording me this opportunity. I will not consider it lightly.”[/color] 
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