Dean's suspicions of her own survival from the wendigo attack were closer to the truth than he realised. She did repress a hell of a lot of them. Bobby called survivor's guilt. She had pent up aggression which always seemed to come out and be directed at the wrong [s]people[/s] person. Dean always got the brunt of it, even more so than Bobby did (which she was certain Dean didn't know she did. He wasn't the only one who got a barrage of her anger) and she hated herself each and every time she lashed out at those she loved. She wasn't the aggressive type when she was herself, but that attack left a lot more emotional damage than even she was prepared to admit.

She still had thoughts at night where she was tempted to just end it all, to do a hunt she couldn't handle just to see if whatever she hunted could actually succeed in killing her, but then she remembered Dean...remembered his face every time he looked at her, remembered how cut up and reckless with grief he was when she was thought to be dead. She remembered the happiness, the hope, the belonging he gave her which made her fight to survive another day.

She knew at some point she would have to properly open up to Dean, pour her hesrt out of how she felt, but she was terrified of being seen as weak. Yet she was convinced the day she did open up would be a day when her survivor's guilt and ptsd would truly show itself a d there would be no turning back.

Seeing him weigh up the options of which would be the better option to do, she smiled at him before he finally chose the option to try and sneak back in. She chuckled at his remark about trying to act sober, "I wouldn't be surprised if he's expecting us to come back in drunk" she countered to him, as she stood up from resting on him and grabbed her now dusty clothes and got dressed again. 

At his next comment about how the vampires actually managed to get in good hits she smirked shaking her head. "good idea and probably" she chuckled as she pulled on her tops, then her boots, before looking round for her jacket in the dim light.