It started just like any other training session; a long run to start off with, then a makeshift obstacle course, some jumping jacks, push-ups...the distance and number changed each session to push everyone to their limits. This brought the group sweating, shaking and panting back to the car park where Audrey was stood waiting for them with a duffle bag at her feet and a row of old cardboard boxes lined up at the far end.

"Welcome back. Line up here for me." Audrey grabbed the duffle bag, her expression impassive. "We're going to start teaching you about gun safety and gun usage." She went down the line, handing over a simple 9mm pistol to Zephyr then hesitating and staring at Abigail before reluctantly passing a gun to her. "The safety is on and they aren't load-ed…" she hesitated only slightly as she sharply pushed Abigail's pistol at the floor after the kid tried to aim it forward - towards Audrey. "...don't point it at anything you don't want to kill," she warned her. Her tone was like ice.

Angie was next in the line, Audrey handed her a gun.

Overall, Ellen had been enjoying the grueling exercises Audrey put them through. She liked being physically active, and the harder she pushed her body, the less time she spent thinking about… things. It was a good distraction. She couldn’t help but still feel tense around Angeline, though. Their last conversation hadn’t exactly been productive. They hadn’t worked through any of the things that were bothering them. Well, maybe Angie felt like things were worked out, but Ellen certainly didn’t. She just [i]knew[/i] that the second things got difficult again, Angie would sit there doing nothing and Ellen would have to make the hard decisions. 

Thus, when she saw Audrey give Angie a gun, she could no longer hold back the feelings. [i]Well, she probably could have, but she didn’t.[/i]

“Don’t bother giving one to her. She won’t use it.” Ellen snapped. She doubted Angie would ever get out of the van long enough to do anything else Audrey was training them to do, like run around obstacles. Maybe Audrey should show Angie how to lock the van door. That might be a better lesson for the ballerina. 

Angeline was used to this kind of training, but was certainly rusty as she breathed heavily as the gun was handed to her. Perhaps it was the sheen of sweat and the tiredness from the exercise, but she looked sickly as she held it. She shot Ellen a venomous glare “Very mature of you.” she snapped back, voice dripping with sharp sarcasm. She turned to Audrey “I assume this is supposed to be compulsory.” She asked, though it was obvious from her face she wanted the answer to be ‘no’, she’s heard plenty of lectures around Goodnight about people being unwilling to do things to save their lives. Generally the consensus was, you do it, or die. 

"The FOE won't hesitate to shoot you if they see you, so yes. This is compulsory." Audrey stepped back. "Everyone here is expected to know how to use this weapon safely and effectively. You may never need to click the safety off for the rest of your life, but you need to know." 

"Maybe you should try bringing some value to this situation." Ellen shot back, throwing Angie's words back in her face. Maybe it was immature and a bit petty to hold the grudge. But wasn't Angie supposed to be the adult, here? 

Ellen looked over the safety of the pistol and held the gun's handle with her index finger resting outside of the trigger area, barrel pointed at the ground. Jab accomplished, she turned her attention to the instructor. 

“I’ll keep your criticism in mind next time you’re hurt and you need my help.” 

Despite the snappy response Angeline was only looking more and more worse off and the gun appeared to be shaking in her grip. Aside from her effort to play it off and check her own gun, after having mimicked Ellen’s actions, her breath was still coming in shallow breaths as she tried her best to calm herself down, her mind racing with vivid memories too ingrained to shake off. She closed her eyes to try and focus on one thing but it wasn’t helping much.

Audrey just turned her head slightly from Ellen to Angeline depending on who was talking. Abigail had started watching too, but she just looked confused and a little annoyed - which, to be fair, was an increasingly common expression for her to take. 

Ellen glared at Angeline, though she seriously doubted the woman would withhold her healing skills because of a petty fight. At the end of the day, though, Ellen knew it was best to rely on herself and no one else.

Ellen actively ignored Angeline for a minute, but it grew difficult to pretend she didn't notice that Angeline was having some sort of panic attack just from holding an empty gun. Did… the gun really bother her that much?

Ellen had assumed that Angeline didn't want to use a gun because she felt like it was beneath her. Or like Ellen was barbaric for feeling like it was a tool that could be helpful. But what she saw… wasn't "uppity." She looked like she was going to throw up.

"Are you…. Okay?" Ellen asked, her brows furrowing in confusion.

"Is Angie gonna cry?" Abigail asked.

"What th-... Abigail, shut the fuck up. In fact, give me your gun," Audrey said - softly, and without malice, as her thoughts were elsewhere. Abigail had enough sense to pass the gun back as if it was loaded and Audrey took it from her as she strode back to Angeline's position in the line. "You should also give me your gun," Audrey asked of Angeline, holding her hand out, "and come with me. I'll get you some water. The rest of you - don't shoot anyone. Don't let Abigail shoot anyone either."

"C'mon. I ain't smart, but I'm not a dumbass," Abigail protested.

"Precisely," Audrey responded, her hand still outstretched for Angeline's pistol.

Angeline ignored Ellen’s question, with her eyes locked firmly on the ground in front of her with her brows furrowed, surely all Ellen had to say was more petty jabs and that wasn’t something she had any time for. Wordlessly, she relinquished the gun into Audreys hands. MyAs the heavy weight lifted from her fingers she clenched them into a fist as if to force herself to forget what it felt like, or to focus on anything except the images flashing behind her eyes. She continued to force in ragged breaths, keeping her head bowed out of embarrassment perhaps, and opted to follow Audrey. [i]This is so embarrassing![/i] It was akin to being kicked out of dance class to shame you for poor performance and she could feel people’s eyes on her, undoubtedly either judging, or with questions she didn’t want to answer.

Audrey had the presence of mind to put both pistols into the duffle bag, zip it shut and carry it with her as she briskly walked Angeline away from the others and to a small maintenance shed where one of the rusty, nonfunctional generators for the mall sat. Taking her behind the wall of the shed she put the bag down and reached to squeeze Angeline's hand. Already it was a far cry from her usual demeanor. "Breathe in," she told her, "hold it," she said, "and breathe out," she finished, loosening her grip. "Breathe in," she tightened her grip again, "hold it," still tight, "breathe out." Grip loosened. She stopped talking and breathed with Angeline, tightening and loosening her hold on the woman's hand to guide her out of a budding panic attack.

Angeline’s hand shook beneath Audrey’s hands as she closed her eyes and followed the woman’s instructions, forcing her breathing to steady. Her palms were sweaty and cold and her face pallid. If she were more sound of mind she would question the otherwise brutish seeming woman’s sudden gentleness. Eventually her shaken breaths came out smoother and she eventually opened her eyes and focused on their hands.

"Nope, not down there. Look at me. Thoughts get weird when you're looking at your hands." Audrey was watching her closely. "Do you want to talk about it?" 

Angeline lifted her gaze to look at Audrey and she looked a little sheepish “Um - well there’s not much to say…” She mumbled. “Someone got shot in front of me and it didn’t sit right with me.” Although she sounded calmer, tears pricked at her eyes and before she noticed, some droplets rolled down her cheeks. “And I can’t forget his face and he died right in front of me. And- “ She cut off, as her throat tightened on her. “And knowing what I can do now- I feel like I could have- or.. Should have done something about it.”

"Since you seem relatively well adjusted I'm gonna assume it was either the man that was shot during your previous mission, or something that happened during your extraction. I'd understand if you feel that way from your mission - at the time, you probably felt like you were ready, or more ready than you had been when you left your own life behind. The truth of the matter is that the government spends months, [I]years[/I] dehumanising recruits for war and even they aren't ready for death." Audrey still held her hand - a small comfort. "But what could you have done, Angeline? You feel the burden more than anyone else because of your powers but do you even know how to use them now? Did you know, at the time, how to stop the killer from pulling the trigger? These things-... sometimes, they just [I]happen[/I]. They happen out of nowhere to all sorts of people, and being a mage is the insurmountable task of coming to terms with that. And it will take you a long time to do that, and an even longer time to stop seeing his face." 

Audrey crouched just a little so she was eye level with Angeline. "I'm not Dr Cassar. I can't give you the right words to make you feel better. But I acknowledge that what you're going through is something that took me, and many other people in Goodnight, a very long time to tolerate. I know what watching people die feels like." Her gaze was cold and it was unyielding but most of all, it was understanding in a way that perhaps nobody else had managed before. "There truly isn't any way to stop a bullet once it's left the chamber, and to catch a man before he pulls the trigger is like trying to catch a grain of sand on the wind. You [I]could not have done anything[/I]. You did not know."

Audrey straightened again. "The fastest and most effective way to stop someone from killing someone else, in open combat, is to kill them first. Why do you think I have been so thoroughly ingraining into you all that initiating the fight is the worst way to protect yourselves when you are out in the field? I am trying my best to give you the skills to avoid combat altogether. But if you can't - and sometimes, you truly can’t -" she lifted the duffle bag slightly, "- then you must know how to use these to end the fight as quickly and as painlessly as you can. Not just for you, but for everyone around you. That is why these lessons are compulsory. It won't make the pain of death or killing any easier, but by [I]God[/I] I have picked that pain over the emptiness of losing a friend a thousand times over and I will continue to do so for the rest of my life."

Angeline sighed and looked down again “I know you’re right… But if I can’t forget-... That moment, then how can I bring myself to- '' She grimaced at the idea of using the term ‘shoot’ so she danced around the word, “Do what I have to… I can’t even hold the thing without feeling sick.” she protested. “And-” she sighed deeply,” - I know everyone thinks I’m useless because of it, the people in my group probably feel as if they can't rely on me… I don’t think I can do it though.” Eventually she looked back at Audrey, gathering a sliver of strength to do so “I mean, I can learn how it works if I have to but I don’t think if the moment came to it I could do it…”

"Not everyone out here needs to be able to pull the trigger to make themselves useful. Least of all you, with your powers. You need to be able to do it, yes - but it will not define your worth here." Audrey craned her neck to check the line of people across the parking lot. "There's a lot of people in Goodnight who aren't even Bootleggers. They're cleaning. Cooking. Looking after the sick. When you're out in the field you need to be prepared for death and find ways to stop it, but that isn't only achieved by a gun. It's just the fastest and most effective method." 

Angeline looked more defeated than anything “I can learn… I just can’t make promises…” she left the end of that sentence hanging for now, maybe one day she can find it in her to help in that way but for now… No, she cannot bring herself to do it now. “Sorry- I’ve interrupted training for a long time.” Though as she followed Audrey’s gaze back to the line of people, it settled onto Ellen… Now the sick feeling in her stomach writhed around and felt a bit more like anxiety. She didn’t really fancy returning.

"I mean, you both did. Anything to stop the kid from putting a bullet in my knee for a little longer. Can you please go and resolve whatever…[I]disruption[/I] you're having with Ellen so I can start to talk about how to use a gun without accidentally injuring yourself and everyone else?" Audrey's sympathy only seemed to stretch so far; she didn't seem too fussed about Angeline's moroseness, simply guiding her back towards the assembled mages. 

Angeline trudged towards the group again, following Audrey’s guidance, slotting into the line of people. [i]Resolve..?[/i] there was not much Angeline could do to change Ellen’s opinion of her and she loathed the idea of trying. She still didn’t look keen on the guns but at least they weren’t loaded. The thoughts lingered in her mind, maintaining the nervous scowl etched into her face. At the very least she was in a better position to continue.

Audrey motioned to Ellen. "Ellen, with me. I'm not proceeding with the lesson whilst you and Angeline have something between you." 

“What? Why do I have to go? I actually [i]want[/i] to learn this!” Ellen protested. 

Abigail, who had wandered off to sit and watch a line of ants, looked up with exasperation. "Can we [I]please[/I] quit fuckin' about n' start shootin' stuff?" She drawled irritably. 

"This group of mages is your group of mages. If there's something disrupting the group dynamic, it'll directly affect you - because they'll put everyone else in danger by trying to piss each other off." Audrey was glaring at Abigail but didn't try to hide her disdain for the entire ordeal as her own patience started to run thin. "I'm clever enough not to arm angry women. Especially not starved, tired, sweaty angry women." She turned to look at both Ellen and Angeline. "Either you resolve your differences enough to work together now, or your position as bootleggers is getting reviewed. You've both got ten minutes to smooth out whatever issue this is, then I need to finish the lesson and bring in the next team." 

Ellen did not like the threat. Make nice with Angeline or she wouldn’t be able to do their missions? She would go crazy without having [i]something[/i] to look forward to. Ellen wasn’t going to let Angeline take this away from her. Maybe she could just convince Angie to quit. That would work… Then again, Angeline was the healer, and given the rest of the people on their team’s...penchant for getting injured. [i]cough[/i] Abigail [i]cough[/i]. It was probably better to keep her. 

Ellen paced around in a bit of a circle as she composed her thoughts. “About Abigail, I’ll drop it and stop trying to give her life advice. She can be your problem, since that’s what you want. Deal?” 

“That’s obviously not what I want. I’m just saying she’s old enough to not be talked down to. Everyone is deserving of respect, even those younger than us. The ‘deal’ is you stop talking down to someone who’s in the same predicament as you.” Angeline shook her head disappointedly. How could the girl not see that Abigail deserved to be treated just as well as anyone else. “But if you want to relinquish all responsibility you may feel you have over her to me, then fine.” Angeline rolled her shoulders as the lack of movement or activity started to settle in the realisation of all the work she had just done. She took a moment to rub her neck, feeling the pain in response. “What’s your deal anyways. I thought we were nice and friendly then suddenly after the first mission you hate me all of a sudden. We had some nice conversations in the van on the way there.”

“I wasn’t talking [b]down[/b] to her. I was just being straight with her. Tell her the truth and to the point.” Ellen huffed. Maybe she came across rude because she was being blunt and direct. Maybe because English wasn’t her first language and she couldn’t be quite as flowery and soft. Maybe that was another difference in how they all were raised. Maybe Ellen was just used to hearing the truth about things and Angeline was not. And most likely, neither thing was exactly what Abigail was used to in terms of guidance and education. 

“I don’t [b]hate[/b] you. But I think you preach being respectful when you feel perfectly content treating me like shit and acting like you are better than me. Why? Because you are too good to stoop down to my level and use a gun? Because you are too pure and innocent to help us figure out a plan to get medical supplies to innocent people? Does it help you sleep better at night to know you didn’t choose any of those things?... I don’t get it.” 

Ellen could have rambled more, but it was circular. She had made her point-- the same one as nearly a month before, though. She didn’t like how Angie acted judgemental when she hadn’t actually contributed to the plan at all. Angie had replied before that she just didn’t want to murder people. Did she think Ellen actually [i]enjoyed[/i] it? Was that what Angie had gotten out of listening to Ellen talk at the session with Dr. Cassar? What was the point in ‘debriefing’ with her ‘team’ when everyone, including the eye doctor, was just going to think she was a heartless killer? 

Angeline stared at Ellen incredulously “I don’t know who you’ve been talking to but that’s not me.” She laughed coldly “You say I’ve ‘treated you like shit’ but I’ve barely even ‘treated’ you. We have barely spoken and the only time I’ve been anything but polite was over that Abigail treatment where I felt you were coming across condescending. Maybe you weren’t trying to belittle her but that’s how it sounded so I asked you to stop.” She shook her head “I mean. It’s like you’ve invented an entire relationship with me that I’m not even part of? How many of these claims are based on things I’ve actually [i]said[/i] and not just you interpreting how I’m acting? I mean, just how accurate do you think your image of me is going to be when you’re trying to interpret my actions without actually knowing who I am. Do you even know what I did as a job? Or what I was learning at university? You don’t know a [b]damn[/b] thing about me and yet you’re making assumptions that I’m - what - too good for you?”

Angeline was right about how they had barely spoken. Ellen had tried. They had talked during the first mission and it had been... decent. Angeline had explained she was a ballerina and unused to these types of situations. Ellen was more than a little annoyed that Angeline didn’t seem to even remember telling her these things, and accused her of not knowing anything about her, but she didn’t interrupt her--which was a pretty big deal for her.

Angeline was getting flustered and red in the face but she soldiered on stubbornly. “Why is it that you immediately assume that I think I’m too good for ‘stooping as low as you’ to use guns, or make plans or whatever, instead of the more obvious choice?” She stared at Ellen, but guessing Ellen would jump to conclusions she decided to spell it out for her instead: “I’m a normal, boring person. I wake up, I work out, I either went to dance practice or I stayed in and did my lectures, I prepared for-.. For [i]DANCE[/i] shows! Not fucking- fucking AMBUSHES! I don’t know how to make a plan of attack, I don’t know how to fucking use a gun and even if I did know I can’t bring myself to do it because I-” Angeline’s voice broke and tears erupted suddenly, both from the frustration of the argument and also from the sharp recollection of her extraction “- Because…” her voice quivered and she took many deep breaths “I’m sorry- I need a moment to compose myself..” she managed to force out despite the tightening of her throat and the shallowness of her breaths. 

After a few moments she took a deep breath in, though her voice was not as frantic as it was before, it was measured and calm and very calculated, as if any wrong word would send her into a panic. “I watched a man… Maybe even another mage like me… He- he got shot… Right in front of me… On some random morning when I was supposed to be sleeping in my comfy bed and getting ready for my day of university work and dance rehearsals. And I watched his face drain of life. And I felt the blood hit my face from the bullet wound, and I watched it pool into the streets around my hands and knees and I couldn’t do anything about it. It made me sick, I might have even feinted. I can’t even touch the damn things without-” she clenched her eyes shut, feeling the panic rising again, forcing her breathing to slow “Without whatever that was happening back there.” Angeline’s head was hung deeply, shame, either from admitting that she was useless or from the pain of the memory, clouded her eyes. Eventually, she looked up and stared at Ellen “Don’t pretend you know me.”

Ellen knew Angeline didn’t have experience with the gun. She did [i]not[/i] know about that woman’s trauma with the weapon. Ellen stood silently as Angeline explained how she watched a man shot and bleed out--she assumed it occured the night they all awoke. Ellen waited a few beats after Angeline spoke, despite her usual desire to jump right on the end of the sentence with her retorts and arguments. Ellen was a cynic, and it was easy to see the worst-case scenario. But Ellen had explained all of that already. 

“I... “ Ellen took another breath, forcing herself to slow down. “You’re right. I don’t know you. I’m sorry for...making assumptions.” It hadn’t been the words. It had been the body language, the actions, the lack of...comfort. After the mission, Ellen had desperately wanted to process what she had done, but the others weren’t ready. She filled the air with idle chatter, but it didn’t fill the hole inside of her. At the therapy session, Ellen had poured out intimate details of her life--her childhood, her awakening, and the things she had done on the mission. But she hadn’t really been saying all of those things for herself. She had been saying them to get...approval. And it didn’t happen. So she took it out on Angeline. Why her? Because she was older than Abigail and seemed to have it together. But none of them really had their shit together, did they?

It was big for Ellen to admit she was wrong, and to not retort with why she thought Angeline was at fault for some reason or another. But Angeline wouldn’t give her a sticker for controlling her own emotions for once. Ellen was beginning to understand that, now. She was the one who had to accept her past and her actions--not anyone else.

“About the gun, thing. Knowing how to use one doesn’t mean you have to use one to kill someone. I’m not...an expert. But…I think of it like a tool. You… you are damn strong, especially your legs. I bet a well-placed kick could knock a person out or seriously injure them. Please don’t test my theory, though-” Ellen held up a hand as if to stop her, but let out a chuckle to show she was trying to poke a bit of fun. “But you know how to use your body, how to control your limbs and balance and all… of that ballerina stuff.” Ellen had seen her do yoga. She knew that the woman had crazy good control of her body. “It doesn’t mean you [i]have[/i] to use your body for all of those things all of the time. But you know how and you can if you need.”

“To me, a gun is the same. It’s a tool. Knowing how to use it means that if I need to, I can. Maybe for you it means firing a shot into the air to let us know you are in danger, or to scare off someone. Maybe it means firing into an old broken window to redirect someone’s attention when you see that one of us might be in danger. Knowing how to use a gun means if you find a pistol and don’t want bad guys to get it, you can unload it and leave it empty, pocketing the ammunition. It doesn’t mean you have to shoot someone. You still have a choice in what you do with it. But your choices go down a lot if you don’t know how to use it….Does that...make sense?”

Ellen didn’t think Angeline would agree with the mentality. They didn’t seem to agree on much. But if Angeline could think of other ways to use a gun, perhaps she could break the association of a gun and the death she witnessed. 

Angeline sighed, both exhausted from the fight and the tension in general, Ellen seemed to back off a bit, trying to lighten the mood, which she was endlessly grateful for as the tight line between them was cut and she could relax her shoulders. She rubbed her face with her hands, feeling the ache in her bones. “I appreciate you being vulnerable enough to apologise. I’m sorry, too, for trying to tell you what to do. If you think you can deal with-” she nodded her head in Abigail’s general direction “Whatever is going on over there then be my guest, but I was just saying I tried that approach and it did not go down well.” she warned good naturedly. Now onto [i]that[/i] topic… “As for the guns well, Audrey basically gave me the same lecture… I’m not saying I will refuse to learn how to use one, I mean… I’m at the lesson, even if I’m disrupting basically all of it. I just mean that well, it’ll take me more time to get used to it than you lot and even then I can’t say I’d ever bring myself to do it… Or at least, I can’t make any promises. I can find other ways like you suggested but, like, if it’s me and I’m staring someone down the ‘barrel of the gun’ as they say… What if I see him instead? I don’t think I could do it.” she explained. “I mean I agree with you about as much as I can do.” she re-worded her sentence, trying not to sound like she was arguing with the woman too much.

“You don’t need to make promises. And… if you do find yourself in a position where you might need to use the gun--you’ll decide that when the time comes. No one can tell you whether it was the right or wrong decision but you.” Maybe Ellen was talking more to herself at this point than to Angeline. But at least they weren’t yelling anymore. “So… we good?”

“Yeah, we good.” Angie replied with a sigh of relief.