“You need confidence Chen”

Her mommy’s words hung in the air, floating in Chen’s mind. Ysel’s hand was patting Chen patronizingly like all she needed was a bit of reassurance and she’d fall in line. It felt like she was in one of those trap rooms that sometimes appeared in ruins where you step on the wrong switch and the ceiling starts lowering on you until you’re crushed. 

Chen had grown up with Ysel as her mommy. They had lived together for years and even after Hestia and Ysel found that they were such different people that they couldn’t function under the same roof, Chen had spent years of her life in Ys, the place that Ysel controlled utterly and absolutely. Everyone in the palace knew their role and followed it to a tee, some to earn favor, some because they liked things being well run and were happy to be a part of it. The streets, built of everything that Ysel had collected for her rule might seem brought together in a mad hodgepodge, but fundamentally reflected the likes and dislikes of the woman who ruled them.

Chen knew these things, this place. These patterns that her mommy pressed into everyone around her were grooved into Chen’s mind. Ysel knew that too. It’s why she thought she could react this way. Years of call and response were here. The times when Chen had missed a step in her sword forms and Ysel had responded with a disapproving purse of the lips. The times that Chen had snuck out to paint (something that Hestia at least endorsed as a hobby) and been met despite the Ysian heat with her mommy’s cold voice upon her return. There was even the time that Chen had just wanted to spend the day with Ysel, had begged to skip her lessons and just get food together, had told her mommy about some incredible azuki bean buns that she had tried in the streets and asked if they could just go enjoy them together. Ysel had politely asked the vendor to relocate to a neighboring village, out of Chen’s travel reach at the time, and it was done and that had been the last time Chen had ever told her mother she liked anything. 

There had been as well the rare smile, when Chen mastered something particularly hard. She once got a head pat for doing a sword form she had fallen in love with and adding a move to it, a true moment of following her heart that lined up with what Ysel had wanted. Because that was the thing with her mommy. The praise came when you fell into the place that Ysel had set for you. And so years of that life made it almost rote for Chen to blush, to nod, to move into line and get on a horse like she was being told to do. 

But Chen had been away from home for a long time now. She didn’t want to come back to this. Especially this. This feeling of being pressed until you fit in the slot that was laid out for you, crushed into place. It wasn’t right. It wasn’t fair! Chen wanted a mommy who loved her unconditionally, not one who loved when Chen fit her mold. She wanted a mommy whose delight came from seeing her daughter find the things she loved, not who was only delighted at the success of her own plans. Chen wanted a mommy who would see her after months of being away and be happy that Chen was there, not one who saw a game piece to move onto the board for a flank!  She stared at Ysel like a poison dagger that had just stabbed her, half in disbelief and half in revulsion. And then…

“I won’t!”

The shout burst from Chen’s mouth before she even realized it. She tried to breathe, to calm herself, but it felt heavy and labored. Her eyes were hot and she could feel tears pooling at the corners, though she didn’t cry or sob. Yes, this hurt. It hurt because she wanted something so badly and it wasn’t that way. It was never going to be that way. She couldn’t make Ysel into the mommy she wanted and no amount of being a good girl and behaving as she was told was going to change that. That was the pain she was feeling now. The pain of growing, of coming back and not being able to fit into where she had at least been comfortable, but not having things change the way she wanted. That was the pain that was burning its way through her heart just now. That screamed inside of her until she had to scream with it. 

“I won’t! I won’t! I won’t! I will NOT fall in line or command your army, or or get on a horse for you!” 

Then Chen could breathe. She had to catch her breath. Her eyes were on Ysel’s eyes. The rest of the assembled all but forgotten, no care at all for the public moment this made. Perhaps Ysel was embarrassed that her daughter would behave so rudely in public, though if Chen had the head to think about it, that sort of reaction was much for Hestia’s than Ysel’s. Ysel was the mother who indulged, who made freedom and power one and the same. If you wanted to follow your own whims, you needed the power to do it. That was her bit, her advice even here. It was like a whirlpool, pulling you into it. 

Now that Chen could breathe, she felt it too. [i]You need confidence Chen.[/i] Was that all this was? Was she just fitting into her mommy’s view of the world even now? Was her growth just gaining enough confidence to confront Ysel? Was it really just enough strength in her sword arm, magic at her fingertips and shouting in her throat that moved her from a pawn to demanding her role? 

No.

No. Now that the first explosion had escaped her, Chen could breathe. She didn’t just want to become like Ysel or to reject Ysel and demand that only her world and her choices were the right one. She wanted to be better.

For a moment, Chen remembered one of her practice duels with Yue. It had been in the heart of winter, a while after they’d started, and because Keron had a sense of theatrics and it was good training, they were dueling outside in the keep’s courtyard as a light snow fell. Yue was getting better then, and they were using real metal swords (dull for safety, of course) and going faster than they had been before. There was something magical about it. Chen had taken to the air freely then, and while Yue still didn’t totally have her flight down, she’d tried the same and it had been like, like they dancing snowflakes themselves. 

Chen had lost herself in the wind, her moves coming faster and faster, the clang of the metal like the beats of the dance as they parted and swirled. And somehow Yue had kept up. She wasn’t moving as far as Chen was, and if Chen hadn’t been so lost in reveling in the world, she might have noticed a brief look of panic on her friend’s face as things got faster and faster, but somehow Yue had set her chin and her stance and had managed at least the series of parries, almost like Chen was on a string flying in and out and back in to Yue again and again. Chen even began to twirl and lift her legs as she went in and out, truly dancing in the storm. They had dueled to a standstill until exhaustion overtook Chen, and she finally noticed that Yue was shivering all over and holding her sword in quivering hands, like all her muscles had turned to jelly, but she had the biggest smile on her face and it almost seemed like she wanted to be wagging a tail she didn’t have.

It was only then that Chen realized what had happened, how fast and how long they’d been going. But when she’d blushed and apologized, saying how sorry she was, Yue had smiled, and said that she’d never seen her friend so beautiful. And on top of that, she hadn’t even known she could do that, but she couldn’t let the dance end early, she just couldn’t and so she’d managed to keep up her end of it. Because it was beautiful. Chen had cried then because she’d never had anyone say something like that in all her years training with the sword. 

That was the start of it. There had been the anime with Jessic too. And the sessions training with Rose as a handmaiden, and also “training” with Rose as a handmaiden. Those had been how Chen learned new stories and skills. That had been how she had started practicing, herself, how to make her girlfriend feel beautiful, and how good it had felt to have Rose undress her and for her to undress her little Rosepetal and have that thick, strong body melt beneath her hands. That was how she had formed her dreams, was still forming her dreams. But she remembered as she dreamed those dreams the way that Yue had helped her live her own and part of Chen’s dream was to do that for her friends. No, not just her friends. For everyone that came into her care, for everyone that she could help. That meant Qiu even when she was being a meanie because she was only doing that because she couldn’t find anyone to help her feel the way she wanted to feel. And that meant Ysel too, even if…even if she made Chen hurt and couldn’t find a way to see past the way she had been living. Even then. 

That was why, then, Chen finished her breaths and she took up speaking again, to Ysel, to the generals, to the people below the palace steps because this was for Ys too.

“Mommy, I won’t be your general because you’ve got the wrong plan. You’re doing the wrong thing for Ys, and for Qiu, and f-for me. I…I can’t claim that I’ve got this all figured out. But I know there’s more than just coming up with a vision and being confident in it. What you want, it makes everyone in your kingdom have to serve you. If it works, it will hurt Qiu and leave her sad and lonely. If it doesn’t, she still won’t get what she wants and she’ll bury this whole city in her rage.”

Chen took a deep breath, and continued, “And…and it won’t make me happy either. Because. Because I want to do better. I want to give Qiu the duel she deserves and save Ys. We can do that. We can do both. I want to fly, not ride because that’s what I love. I want to pick up the sword and save Ys because I love the sword and I love this kingdom, it’s one of my homes. I don’t want to do it because it matches your plan or because you think that’s the best role for me.”

Chen sighs then. “I don’t…I don’t think it’s wrong that you want an army either, mommy! I don’t…like I said I haven’t figured it all out. You don’t have to give up your dreams to let me have mine. D-don’t you dare! I just, I know that we can do more. That we can find a way to have dreams together and sometimes that will mean that everyone else doesn’t do exactly what you want, but that can be okay and you can still have your dream, it won’t disappear. Because a princess…a princess has to inspire people, not just command them. That’s what I think. A princess has to have dreams of her own and she has to make other people feel beautiful and that’s the only way it can be. S-so, I’m going to go help my friends, and you can take your army to face Yin’s knights, but please don’t try to force this on Qiu. Or on Yin. Or…or on me again.”

Then Chen walked right up to Ysel and gave her the hug that needed to happen, offering one last whisper just for mommy. “We can do better Mommy. I love you.”